Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'

Noone should leave the house until 2016 is over!

The government has made a special broadcast that will be aired at 9pm tonight which warns the public 'not to leave the house unless it is absolutely necessary'.

Theresa May is 'deeply concerned' that more disasters are in store and the country is 'too sad' to deal with any further 'setbacks'.  Her spokesmen has reported exclusively to The Big Pickle News. He stated, 'people thought the Blitz was bad. But what we now deal with is 21st Century problems: Brexit rage, Twitter anger, and the Exaggerated Fear of the Celebrity Grim Reaper.  We just can't cope.'

The government also believes the 'baffling' OBE list for 2017 will also cause 'unnecessary' outrage. Boris Johnson has been frank and honest about the Queen's list: 'she's having a jolly good joke. For crying out loud! Gove is on the list! He's got it for service and dedication to Educational Cock Up! I've cocked up the whole country, so why am I not on the list?'

The queen remains 'tight lipped' on the matter but her butler reported that she 'plans' to remain in Buckingham Palace until the New Year- 'taking heed' of the government's warming and has already 'constructed' her bucket list and advises everyone over 80 to do the same.

Christmas is over- every man on earth wants to join the gym.

Today, every human who's eaten their weight in chocolate, pies and wine will go to their local gym in an attempt to burn off 1000s of excess calories.

The gym company NO PAIN NO GAIN claim they are expecting a 'run on the gym' where they believe their gym will be 'filled to the brim' with angry people who 'regret' and 'lament' the number of mince pies and whiskey glasses they consumed.

A 'run on the gym' is where gyms have to shut down because people in their hundreds rush to the gym and start fighting and doing rugby tackles in order to be the first on the step machines and bikes.  The result is huge damage to the gym equipment and complete 'disorder' in the building.

A lead Fitness Trainer who specialises in Post-Christmas-Fat-Regret stated how 'moody' people can get after Christmas, 'people don't like it when they can see a muffin top or a thigh wobble. Both can be quite frightening.'

However, there is a risk that gym websites all over Britain  will 'crash' and go into  'shut down' when thousands of people in 'record breaking' numbers will decide to sign up to their local gym. Gym websites like Whales R Us, and Curves not Cakes are 'working round the clock' to ensure that their websites are up and functioning 'as normal'.

Shopping centres are filled with men!

Across the country, thousands of men are out shopping. The sight of so many men in a shop is a 'rare and beautiful' event states one expert who specialises in Male Retail habits. 'They walk with purpose as they approach the escalator; they exchange glances with the man behind them and there is a knowing look- sometimes even a chuckle.'

However, this annual event can also witness 'distress and confusion' amongst male shoppers. Some look 'dazed' while others are 'wide-eyed and jittery' reports one John Lewis manager who has witnessed twenty Christmas Eves in his lifetime, 'others have the panic look- delayed Christmas Panic Syndrome- where we must alert our medical team just in case the man's panic leads to a seizure.'

Also, the annual event can result in 'unpredictable' behaviour in women across the country, reports a Christmas Shopping expert from Oxford University. 'Some women feel slightly anxious if they suspect a present apocalypse approaching or desperately excited if they believe they might receive a wedding proposal. In these cases the woman will have dilated pupils, sweaty palms and a propensity to forget all her Christmas plans. But, thankfully, these symptoms only last for an hour.'

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Santa has an ANGRY wish list.

Santa has posted HIS wish list on Instagram, and it has caused nervous outrage across the country. 

He asked parents to 'check' the sell by date of their mince pies, to clean their chimneys or else they'll receive his dry cleaning bill, and asked for the central heating to be put on low due to the 'inexpressible heat' that comes from wearing a five centimetre thick coat and a long beard. 

The list has sparked mixed reactions from celebrities and politicians.

'Santa hasn't thought this through,' tweeted Emma Bunton. 'He can be a bit thick- I left out a cuddly bunny for him, once. He wrote Thanks but I'm a vegetarian.'  

Another celebrity who was also quick to respond was Alan Carr. He tweeted, 'some people are never 'appy, are they? I mean, free booze and food at every house? What more could you want, working only one night in the year?'

Boris Johnson tweeted, 'poor old Santa. He better be careful about his drinking because that  sleigh is awfully big- I don't want him crashing it into my house!'

Meanwhile, Santa's chief elf has made an announcement on The Big Pickle News, 'Santa is a little bit sensitive at the moment, particularly as some of the elves posted a picture of him from last Christmas Eve where he got stuck up the chimney and had to shout for help. Please be patient with him.'

Stupidity is rising as the number of selfies increases.

The 'obsession' with selfies is turning the human race into 'imbeciles', claims Professor Judge from Cambridge University. 'Selfies are changing the human race. We are spending far too much time posing in front of a tiny lense. In a few years, we will see changes to our bodies: our necks will grow at a wonk, our fingers will grow long and curl inwards and our eyes will become more square-like!'

Pear Yphones have accused Cambridge University of 'scaremongering' and for 'pretending' to make intelligent predictions.  A spokesmen for the CEO stated, 'we believe selfies are the best thing to be invented. They encourage people to focus on themselves and nobody else.'

Meanwhile, in 2017, The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that there will be an independent study carried out to investigate the real effects of the 'Selfie Age'. The study will be carried out on people who produced over 10,000 selfies in 2016 and there will be investigations into signs of neck or finger 'abnormalities' such as increased neck length or crooked finger syndrome. 

Watch Bulldog will broadcast a programme tomorrow night. A scientist behind the programme stated, 'people don't realise the dangers. If a person always puts on a big pout for a selfie, one day, the wind will change and they'll stay like that!'

Man's tight jeans are NOT because of the mince pies!

A man from Colchester, in Essex, has 2nd degree burns on his thighs and stomach after squeezing himself into his jeans which were 'far too tight!'

Billy Silly, 38, 'insists' that it was the Tumble Dryer on 'too high a setting' which shrunk his jeans, 'it's not the hundred and fourteen mince pies I've had this week, despite what my wife says! I keep telling her, men have a high metabolism. We can eat what we want.'

Meanwhile, the obesity charity 'Don't Obese Me' reported that there is a 'worrying' tradition during the festive period that people act like 'chocolate hamsters'. An Obesity expert reported, 'on Christmas Day, in particular, people seem to eat and eat and eat and they only stop when they feel ill. But as soon as the 'feeling ill' stage grows faint, they start eating again.'

Meanwhile Mr Nibbles has issued an apology, 'we are sorry if our mince pies are addictive, we wish you to spend your money to maintain our deliciously high profits, but we never endorse or encourage heart problems.'

TV perfume advert 'not pointless enough'.

The Maldunne Perfume advert where a muscly bodyguard saves a princess from a cliff edge has been pulled as it contains a storyline and so isn't 'pointless enough'.

The advertising standards agency insists that it needs to meet the legal 'pointless guidelines'. One spokesmen stated, 'every perfume advert must be completely pointless in order to have that mystery and intrigue. Therefore, the advert must have no talking, lots of close ups of dazed and disorientated characters and a whispery voiced narrator. Start having dialogue and actors who can do more than one facial expression and the advert flops!'

Maldunne perfume declined to comment on the matter but insisted that the advert had met the 'pointless guidelines' and that to accuse them of trying to add 'charisma and authenticity' to the characters was both insulting and unhelpful.

The actress who plays the princess in the Maldunne advert has 'promised' the company that she will 'forget everything that drama school taught her' so that she can be more 'wooden'.

Teacher caught dancing on the tables will be made to teach Health and Safety.

Last Thursday evening, an English teacher of ten years was caught dancing on the tables in Maldon's  'Curry Nights' restaurant. The teacher- who can not be named for legal reasons- was out on a Christmas do and one vodka led to several more and two hours later she was on the tables, and dragging her friends up to come and join her.

The Head Teacher at the local school voiced his 'outrage' at the notion that the teacher 'dared' to enjoy herself when the Christmas holidays had not yet started- AND on a school night! He stated, 'I'm speechless. She should be put back in that cupboard, at the back of the classroom, where she belongs!'

One pupil at the local school, on hearing the news, laughed so hard that he had to have stitches to put his cheeks back together.  He reportedly said, 'it's just the funniest thing I've heard in ages.  I wish more teachers would dance on tables! And why didn't someone film it?'

The school governors have been woken up from their 24 hour daily nap and have decided not to discipline Miss X but, instead, they insist that she teaches and leads the school's delivery of the GCSE in Health And Safety.

The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that Miss X is currently in talks with her union rep to see whether the school can, in fact, make her teach this 'Mickey Mouse' subject.

Christmas Cake Marzipan found to contain sticky stuff found in lip gloss.

Christmas Cake Marzipan made by Marzitate has recently been found to have 'worrying' levels of the chemical Glosstrux which is the chemical found in sparkly lip gloss.

Immediately after the health expert from Watch Dogs filed his report, thousands of Christmas cakes have been taken off the shelves in supermarkets across the country as the chemical is considered to be 'highly potent'. Symptoms of over exposure to Glosstrux include glitter fluid coming out of eye ducts, shiny forehead and glittery stool- some could even find silver studs!

Marzitate have publicly come out and are 'sorry' that people have suffered the effects of Glosstrux 'we are very sorry that people have had to wear glitter-resistant eye patches.  We know they're expensive.'

Meanwhile, on social media people have been taking selfies of themselves and their sparkly stools, someone on Twitter stated, 'It's bright and beautiful! I swear I've pooed out a Disco Ball!'

However, The World Health Organisation has been concerned about people's 'flippant' reaction to the contaminated Marzipan and its symptoms. One spokesman stated, 'this is a serious matter. Everyone should be checking their stool carefully- it's a health hazard not a selfie opportunity! If you've been affected call 911.'

The advice is DON'T POSE JUST CHECK!

Mrs Kipling demands her share of the profits!

Mr Kipling's mum has publicly accused her son of 'stealing' her recipes. A lady in her late sixties announced on Twitter who she was and an hour later #angrymamakipling was trending. 

Last night, Mrs Kipling made her first public appearance on the One Show and declared, 'I want the world to know who is REALLY behind those tasty Angel Cakes. The Crusty Loaf in Maldon is where all the Kipling recipes are born!'

Hours later, Mr Kipling called 'This Morning' and asked to speak to Philip Schofield. He declined to come on the show as he wanted the press to 'respect his privacy.' He made a statement on the phone,  'Mum had a bump to the head six months ago and we can conclude, therefore, that she's now lost some brain cells.  She's a raisin short of a Chelsea Bun!'

However, residents who live along Spital Road in Maldon have confirmed that what Mrs Kipling said 'could be true.' One resident reported, 'I do see large boxes come out of her bakery every Monday, about five in the morning, and recently I've seen crates of Elf slices outside her bakery door. A black lorry then arrives about ten past five and takes them away.  It's all very strange!' 

It is predicted that every resident in Maldon will participate in 'curtain twitching' next week, on Monday morning, at five.

Government issues leaflet advising schools on how to save money.

The Government has issued an A5 poster entitled HOW TO SAVE THE PENNIES which should reach every school in the country by tomorrow morning.

A spokesperson for the Education Secretary reported, 'the leaflet is both informative and succinct. Having it all there in such a small space teaches teachers that you can be economical with ANYTHING!'

Meanwhile, NASUWT and NUT (teaching unions) are 'furious' and one NUT representative spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'when was the last time anyone in Westminster stepped into a school? What the government knows about schools you could barely fill up a postage stamp never mind an A5 bit of paper!'

The leaflet which has caused so much 'outrage' includes tips such as:

-How to use one tea bag for every ten cups of tea.

-How to pick your top 3 students and make the job of fixing the school network part of their I.T course. 

-How to issue school reports on Snapchat in order to save paper and save space on the school system.

NASUWT have 'actively encouraged'  all its members to regard the leaflet as fancy toilet paper and to use it in the appropriate manner.

Woman who 'couldn't give a toss' about Christmas is suspected of being extraterrestrial!

Last night, a woman stated on Facebook that she 'couldn't give a toss about Christmas' and it sent the festive world into a spin! There's been outrage on social media and many people have had their 'Elf on the Shelf' brandishing a Pitchfork in protest. 

A Christmas expert who specialises in 'festive cheer' reported that it was 'very unusual' to be so dismissive of Christmas at this time of year. 'The woman has displayed almost psychopath tendencies.  We need to check out her DNA because something isn't right! I mean, who doesn't like Christmas? If one is not moved by Wizard's I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY! then one must assume the person is suffering from seasonal flu!'

The woman, who can not be named for legal reasons, is still insisting that she said the right thing, 'Christmas is too commercialised. Elves and gaudy trees have taken over my Facebook timeline- I liked it better when it was babies and Prosecco!'

A thirty-one-year-old woman, who insists that Santa is 'alive', reacted to the woman's rant on Facebook, 'there's just no need for comments like that! I pity her, poor woman! Once she starts believing in Santa, again, she'll feel MUCH BETTER!'

Man goes 'berserk' when neighbour blocks his Christmas reindeer.

A thirty-year-old father wants to press charges against a neighbour who parked in front of his Christmas reindeer. 

For several weeks there have been 'evils' exchanged between the two neighbours but tensions heightened when the neighbour- who can not be named for legal reasons- parked his car right in front of the man's front lawn.

'That reindeer was supposed to cheer people up!' stated the father of two. 'It lights up the whole road, when you can see it. I was planning on buying eight more but now I can't and I KNOW a lot of people are gonna be disappointed!'

Meanwhile, another neighbour spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'each day they've been arguing. First they blocked eachother's driveways, then they stole each other's food bins and now THIS!'

The neighbour in question refused to comment on the matter but we were able to confirm with his window cleaner that he DOES have a criminal record for Christmas Tree theft and Holly Bush vandalism.

Tesco employee criticised for telling terrible joke.

Several customers started hyperventilating in Tesco after they were told that all the Turkeys had been sold out. 

Yesterday afternoon, a joke went 'horribly wrong' when a store manager at Tesco wanted to 'raise morale' amongst his staff: he decided to make a tannoy announcement that Tesco could no longer afford to sell Turkeys because of Brexit. 'I expected everyone to laugh and then carry on shopping. I mean, what have our Turkeys got to do with Brexit?'

The Tesco CEO was 'surprised' and 'alarmed' by the news, 'we take our customer care very seriously. We have launched a full scale investigation into the matter. Humour can be a dangerous thing!'

One of the customers who was rushed to A&E spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'Christmas is the most important day of the year. I put 10 hours into the stuffing balls, alone. The idea that I might not need cranberry sauce was just too much. Everything went black!'

The Tesco employee behind the 'scam' has refused to comment. On the other hand, another victim who struggled to breathe has said she'll talk 'openly' if she gets double the points and a free Turkey.

Elf might be done for THEFT!

A father of four has accused the family's elf of stealing his XBox.  The video game console was last seen on Wednesday 7th December, at one in the morning, just before he went to bed.

The man insists it was Eddie (their new elf), 'I knew he would steal my Xbox, I caught him eyeing it up when I was playing it.  I reckon Santa's gonna be cross- the Xbox is the only thing that helps me relax!'

Last night, there were reports of 'shouts' and 'wails' coming from the garage. The man's wife stated, 'he went mad. He made a last ditch attempt to check the garage but when he realised the Xbox wasn't there he ran back into the house and started yelling at Eddie. But Eddie stayed calm. He didn't move a muscle!'

Today, The Big Pickle News managed to get an exclusive chat with one of the children and the nan. Both made claims that it 'might have been' someone else who stole the Xbox. The girl made this statement, 'we reckon Mum stole it. One day, dad didn't even put his dirty socks in the wash basket. And THAT, mum said, was the last straw!'

Mr Bloom is 'okay' with Tom Hardy appearing on CBeebies bedtime hour.

After today's 'tremor' on the Richter scale caused by news that Tom Hardy was going to do the bedtime hour on CBeebies, Mr Bloom has made a 'brave' statement. 

An hour ago, he spoke on live national television while the TV vegetables were standing behind him, 'I don't mind Tom Hardy presenting the bedtime hour. I really don't.  I'm still Mr Bloom! I've got my new calendar out, and mothers still ask me about my sprouts and parsnip!'

However, there were earlier reports that Mr Bloom was 'sulking' about Tom Hardy's popularity.  The CBeebies producer witnessed a 'mild tantrum' from Bloom soon after he heard the news about Hardy.  'Bloom got his fork stuck in the mud! And I could tell he wanted to throw his rake across the allotment.  The vegetables didn't know what to make of it!

Meanwhile, Tom Hardy made a statement exclusively for The Big Pickle News: 'I am flattered that so many people think I will read a good story. And Mr Bloom needn't worry, he still has a strong fan base. In fact, my nan told me that she wouldn't kick him out of bed! And she's 85!'

Elf in 'poor health' due to long working hours.

'Elf on the Shelf', the Elf recruitment agency, has complained of 'unfair' working conditions that their elves are increasingly operating under. The Trade unions, such as Candy Care and Santa's Specials, have been drawing up new contract guidelines which may well lead to strikes if they are not adhered to by Santas Inc (the institution which employs these elf actors).

One elf who's been in the business for twenty years is 'exhausted' by the work pace which elves are now subjected to, 'it was so easy to begin with, back in the day. Big people respected every position you took up and were excited if you just moved along the shelf! Now, they whine if you're not throwing the loo roll about!'

One young elf was almost thrown out of the house for 'being boring'. He reports exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'these 24 hour shifts are exhausting!  How can I be original on zero hours sleep? I learnt CLASSICAL acting at drama school, not this silly pose rubbish.'

Santas Inc have refused to comment, although they're currently meeting with Candy Care to discuss ways forward.

Meanwhile, Santa is 'shocked' and 'dismayed', and has reportedly doubled the bonus of every demoralised elf.

SWEARING SANTA GETS THE SACK!

The Santa at Maldon's Grotto, in Essex, was given his 'marching orders' after swearing at children for taking the baubles off the Christmas tree. 

The man who can not be named (Mr S) was 'frustrated' that every child was 'fiddling' with the Christmas decorations. One of the elves stated, 'Mr S had asked the Grotto manager, several times, to install a rule where no one could touch the tinsel but the manager refused. So that was it. Every time anyone walked past the tree, Santa would twitch. The smaller the child the more pronounced the twitch.'

The hired cleaner also made a comment, 'it's such a shame but I don't know why Maldon Town employed a Santa who cares more about tree baubles than he does about the children. Even I wasn't allowed to touch the tree!'

One mother complained after her son was told that if he didn't let go of the bauble 'his (ducking) head was going to become a bauble!' She was quite 'depressed', 'Santa's not supposed to say those words! That would never have happened in my day!'

Mr S declined to comment but the Maldon Mayor made a statement, 'we don't condone this sort of language but we can understand the frustration of Mr S: we've had ten baubles, five bits of holly and 8 candy canes stolen in the last week. Children need to stop touching the Christmas tree. We don't worry about the tree falling over- we've stuck it down with blue-tac as we're VERY Health and Safety conscious- we just DON'T want our Santas going round the bend!'

Christmas shopping BEFORE December is bad for your health!

Christmas Panic Syndrome is on the rise as more and more people start worrying about Christmas far too early- in some cases, as early as August.

 According to the World Health Organisation symptoms of Christmas Panic Syndrome include sweaty palms, a compulsion to buy EVERY PRESENT by the end of September and nightmares about having dry turkey.

A leading practitioner researching into this 'seasonal panic' refers to its 'irony',
'organised people seem to suffer the most. As soon as September comes, those who are normally calm and logical suddenly suffer heart palpitations and shortness of breath- quite often when they first watch the John Lewis advert.'

This year, many of the retail giants have competed for the 'most Christmasy' advert designed to pull on heart strings and stir emotion. And this has proven 'problematic' for people with Christmas Panic Syndrome (CPS). Another expert stated, 'people are bombarded with Christmas story after Christmas story with jumping pets and crying snowmen. These adverts bring on the symptoms and sufferers have to turn off their television sets. '

The government has 'promised' to send out leaflets offering advice on how to cope with the symptoms of CPS. Boris Johnson has offered to dress up as an elf for the front page photo of the leaflet in order to 'cheer people up'; the World Health Organisation 'strongly objects' to such an image on grounds that it might bring on several thousands of seizures around the country.

Control your Corgis, Ma'am!

Builders being interviewed at Buckingham Palace are 'terrified' of the Queen's Corgis.

Talks between the local builders and Buckingham palace regarding next year's renovations have gone into 'shut down' as the builders declare the queen's home 'unsafe'.

Pete Wailer, architect and Builder who built Wembley stadium, has reportedly 'refused' to enter the palace unless the Corgis are kept in kennels, 'when I walked in, three of them came galloping towards me. Not like a normal Corgi- those sort just waddle- this lot were on something! They knocked me down and wouldn't stop licking my face!' 

The queen refused to comment, although there are rumours that the builders will no longer have biscuits with their tea.

Meanwhile, the royal correspondent at the BBC was 'not surprised' by these reports. 'The queen loves her babies. They have a cup of tea in the morning- and often out of Philip's cup! They've been brought up thinking everyone wants a cuddle.'

The Buckingham Palace butler speaks less favourably of her majesty's Corgis, 'it's a disgrace!  Last month, one of them wanted to play hide and seek with my shoe. I told her off but then she ran away to the drawing room. I found her with just the shoe laces in her mouth. She'd eaten my shoe! I wear steel toe capped boots, now. I'd like to see her chew one of those!'

May wants a Boris Johnson Looky Likey to meet with EU trade officials.

The government is asking Boris Johnson Looky Likeys to come forward and apply for a job where they impersonate Boris Johnson in order to make successful trade deals with the EU.

The Looky Likey will undergo a number of tests including hair styling, hand gestures and voice tones. A BBC political correspondent said, 'it has to be just right if we are going to convince Europe that the pretend Boris is ACTUALLY Boris.' 

The plan comes as a result of the 'heated' conversation Boris had with an Italian minister which turned into a 'spat' over whether the UK could access the single market. Johnson reportedly 'wagged his finger' while threatening that Prosecco sales would drop; and the Italian minister responded by blowing raspberries and crying out that he hates fish and chips.

Theresa May has been 'concerned' with a number of Boris' meetings and 'feels strongly' that a Looky Likey would do a better job of keeping EU officials on side. 

A source close to Boris claims that Boris is 'unfazed' by this government intiative,  'Boris is convinced that no one can impersonate him. After all, how is ANYONE going to master that Eton accent?'

Teacher and pupils cast a snow spell.

Year 11 pupils from Maldon, in Essex, have been conducting 'an experiment' to see if a pagan snow spell actually works! 

The snow spell is expected to be a success and we should see some snow at some point during the winter months.

 A year 11 student who 'loved' the class spoke to our news team, 'it's the best lesson of the week. We don't do no writing. And Sir never has a go if we forget a pen! All we gotta do is remember to clean our cauldrons.'

The Head Teacher of Great Maldon High is reportedly 'outraged' that this underground lesson has been 'injected' into the timetable without his permission.  Plus, noone can find any evidence that it even took place. The Head's PA made a statement, 'it's been extremely difficult as the room with all these supposed cauldrons seems to have disappeared- even the caretaker can't find it.'

The teacher leading the 'unsavoury' cross curricular lesson has been suspended until further notice. One pupil at the school has insisted that it's 'all so unfair'. Another pupil said, 'we liked it! We ACTUALLY learnt something!'

When Mr Rice was questioned it was revealed that the students had become 'disillusioned' with the stress of their GCSEs, so Mr Rice  wanted to offer 'hope' and 'encouragement' by offering a lesson which would stimulate their imagination and team building skills.

STRICTLY no Farage!

After seeing Ed Balls perform his Gangnam Style routine on Strictly Come Dancing, Farage has told BBC bosses that he wants to be a contender in next year's series. 

A source close to the UKIP leader stated, 'Ed Balls has suddenly become a national treasure. Nigel knows he needs people to come round to his way of thinking before he has any chance of becoming Prime Minister. Trump has given him hope. So why not start with Strictly?'

However, Strictly bosses have vowed to pull the show if Farage is brought on, 'our ratings would plummet. The boos would be horrible, and Len might strangle him!'

When discussing his future on BBC question time,  Farage admitted being a 'huge fan' of Strictly Come Dancing which brought on such hysterics from the rest of the panel  that Dimbleby couldn't regain control for a full ten minutes!  One member of the audience said, 'I have never seen Dimbleby look so cross!'

Afterwards, Farage was getting on a plane back to New York, to see Trump, one onlooker said, 'he was shouting really loudly that all British politicians are corrupt!'

He is reportedly off to talk to the American president-elect who 'really knows' what he's talking about!

High Court Ruling makes everyone have a BREW!

Record number of brews were made after the High Court Ruling, yesterday.

The National Grid experienced a surge in demand similar to that during the half-time of an England World Cup Football match.

The nation reacted 'in a very British manner!' to the news that Theresa May's government can not trigger Article 50,  'we all put the kettle on!'  stated BBC political correspondent.

Power stations were also told to be on 'high alert' during BBC QUESTION TIME. One insider said, 'we were told that EVERYONE was bound to make a cup of tea when that programme was on.' It was expected that 'tempers would fly and things might be thrown, and that David Dimbleby might even swear!'

This morning, the Downing Street butler reported of 'smashed teacups' and 'lots of rude words' coming from the cabinet discussion rooms, 'I made sure the maid used the OLD tea cups! We'll get them out again when Trump comes.'

The former Labour leader even spoke out, 'whatever side you're on, it's clear that the British people care!'

However, in more serious tones, supermarkets have been told to fill the shelves with every brand of teabag in the wake of the High Court Ruling, 'if the National Grid stats are anything to go by, people are deeply unhappy or relieved. In either case, they'll want more and more tea!' says a spokesperson for Tesco who is 'mildly anxious' that they may not meet the demand of the British people.

Witchcraft soars as Trump's popularity increases.

The Witchfest International reports that the number of American women signing up to Wicca has quadrupled in the last year. Women of all ages 'feel' they need to learn magic in light of Trump's growing popularity.  According to the Witchfest survey, women 'fear' that they are 'vulnerable' if Trump wins the election.

A spokesperson for Wiccan International said, 'people are desperate. I mean, we don't go into turning people into toads but we do some powerful stuff! I've made a man drink coffee when he originally wanted tea!'

Meanwhile, Air Traffic control systems are overused and overtired as the number of broomstick flights taking place has also quadrupled. One traffic controller remarked on the 'lack of courtesy' that some of these new witches were displaying, 'none of them stop or wait when they should. I mean, people never used to fly like that ten years ago!'

Trump's spokesman expressed his 'disgust' at so many women turning to witchcraft. 'Trump's not gonna like that! He'll want to get rid of all those witches. How's he gonna grab a woman if they're all on broomsticks?'

The Wiccan spokeswoman has mentioned a new project- their Anti-Trump spell which will work on Trump's inability to 'hear' what a woman wants. 'We aim to remove this disability for Trump and any other man who has impaired hearing.'

You can't trust Prince Philip with a secret!

This morning, the Queen and Prince Philip decided to FaceTime Putin to inform him he was no longer invited to the Royal Christmas party, but Philip told him 'a few home truths' and 'let slip' that the country's Cyberspace Protection Unit was in Buckingham Palace.

The Cyber Protection Unit is the 'most important I.T Unit in the country!' Theresa May stated only two days earlier. 'We need to protect our hospitals, our airports and our Cadbury factories!'

The queen reportedly hit Philip over the head with her pillow and told the palace's chief butler that the prince was only to have one morning cup of tea, and no biscuit.

Britain is on high alert for a cyberattack and Philip's gaffe could prove costly. 'The Chancellor was so cross he rushed to Downing Street. In his pyjamas!'  said a Downing Street official, 'there were heated talks and several packets of chocolate digestives brought through.'

Later today the Chancellor will announce, on Live TV, that the Cyber Protection Unit will be moving.  'We have to find another safe place,' the Chancellor's secretary confirms,  'but we have to keep it warm and dry. I suggested an airing cupboard somewhere. But we won't tell Russia!'

Your mother's cooking IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, learns MASTERCHEF winner!

MasterChef Winner was throttled by own mother after she made two many jokes about her mother's cooking.

Shauna Kneel (2016 MasterChef Champion) is recovering from a bruised neck and broken voice box after her mother tried to kill her in her home, in Kent.

Yesterday, in the late afternoon, one hour after the elder Mrs Kneel came to visit, screams and sounds of broken china could be heard from Shauna Kneel's garden. One witness said, 'I live next door to Shauna. The noise coming from her house was deafening. Plus, several spatulas, forks and sieves were being chucked over the garden fence! I had to keep my cat in so she didn't get frightened!'

Kneel made no secret of her mother's unorthodox cooking methods, 'my mother's terrible cooking inspired me to want to cook. When you've been raised on beef mince with Branston Pickle, you want to cook properly!'

However, Mrs Kneel was reported to be 'hurt' by her daughter's comments. A close friend of Mrs Kneel stated, ''I'm not surprised she lashed out. When MasterChef was on, Shauna kept telling Mince and Branston Pickle jokes. Lilly's had enough! The worst thing was when everyone made fun of her cream cheese and gherkin tartlets. Then she REALLY lost her temper!'

The jokes became progressively worse. Mrs Kneel confirmed that fifty two jars of pickle had been left on her doorstep during the course of the Master Chef series which Mrs Kneel considered 'in bad taste!'

Currently, she is cooperating with the ongoing police investigation.  Mrs Kneel may have to go on a cookery course as part of her community service.