Clairvoyant makes prediction: 'Brexit MIGHT NOT BE TOO BAD!'

Last night, a clairvoyant from Essex (the old ancient home of many witches) made an important prediction: "Britain MIGHT not become bankrupt after Brexit! Trade MIGHT go ahead, after all."

Many people- educated from the University of Life- 'scoffed' and 'berated' such a notion, 'Of course it'll be bad. Every newspaper agrees: we're all DOOMED!'

Meanwhile, a few tories 'really hope' that Teresa May- or Boris- can 'hash up' some sort of deal before Christmas. "Boris has the power to draw up a deal. Europe- particularly the Germans- take him VERY seriously."

Therefore, we should not be too morbid: even though movement across Europe, skilled workers in the uk and trade will be significantly reduced, holidays to Skegness, and Walton on the Naze will become extremely popular. Holidays will be alot easier- no one will need to eat any foreign food, they can have chips morning, noon and night!'

Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'

May wants a Boris Johnson Looky Likey to meet with EU trade officials.

The government is asking Boris Johnson Looky Likeys to come forward and apply for a job where they impersonate Boris Johnson in order to make successful trade deals with the EU.

The Looky Likey will undergo a number of tests including hair styling, hand gestures and voice tones. A BBC political correspondent said, 'it has to be just right if we are going to convince Europe that the pretend Boris is ACTUALLY Boris.' 

The plan comes as a result of the 'heated' conversation Boris had with an Italian minister which turned into a 'spat' over whether the UK could access the single market. Johnson reportedly 'wagged his finger' while threatening that Prosecco sales would drop; and the Italian minister responded by blowing raspberries and crying out that he hates fish and chips.

Theresa May has been 'concerned' with a number of Boris' meetings and 'feels strongly' that a Looky Likey would do a better job of keeping EU officials on side. 

A source close to Boris claims that Boris is 'unfazed' by this government intiative,  'Boris is convinced that no one can impersonate him. After all, how is ANYONE going to master that Eton accent?'

High Court Ruling makes everyone have a BREW!

Record number of brews were made after the High Court Ruling, yesterday.

The National Grid experienced a surge in demand similar to that during the half-time of an England World Cup Football match.

The nation reacted 'in a very British manner!' to the news that Theresa May's government can not trigger Article 50,  'we all put the kettle on!'  stated BBC political correspondent.

Power stations were also told to be on 'high alert' during BBC QUESTION TIME. One insider said, 'we were told that EVERYONE was bound to make a cup of tea when that programme was on.' It was expected that 'tempers would fly and things might be thrown, and that David Dimbleby might even swear!'

This morning, the Downing Street butler reported of 'smashed teacups' and 'lots of rude words' coming from the cabinet discussion rooms, 'I made sure the maid used the OLD tea cups! We'll get them out again when Trump comes.'

The former Labour leader even spoke out, 'whatever side you're on, it's clear that the British people care!'

However, in more serious tones, supermarkets have been told to fill the shelves with every brand of teabag in the wake of the High Court Ruling, 'if the National Grid stats are anything to go by, people are deeply unhappy or relieved. In either case, they'll want more and more tea!' says a spokesperson for Tesco who is 'mildly anxious' that they may not meet the demand of the British people.