Gullible woman does cartwheels to make herself look young.

A woman is suffering from a double fracture to both wrists after she tried to do a triple cartwheel in her local park, today.

Kathryn Player (a mother who displays certain 'wally traits') has done extensive research into the benefits of cartwheeling in an attempt to make herself look more youthful. However, according to her mother it hasn't worked, 'it's a damn shame! She still looks her age.'

It was a post on Mumsnet that recommended this 'deluded' woman to perform three cartwheels a day. Kathryn spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'I hadn't done a cartwheel since 1989. I thought it would be like riding a bike.'

However, onlookers who witnessed the cartwheels have been 'traumatised' by what they saw. One elderly gentlemen told us, 'it was monstrous- legs were flying everywhere! And I think it's a disgrace to all those professional cart wheelers.'

The association of respectful cartwheelers (ARC) has made a statement: 'no one should perform a cartwheel unless they have our expressed permission to do so.'

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Till girl who presses faulty button 'thousands of times' burns a hole in her thumb.

Yesterday, a 'frustrated' and 'angry' till girl working in Aldi, in Benfleet, (Essex) pressed the cancel button on the countertop card machine 'so many times' that onlookers started screaming when smoke was coming from her thumb. 

An Aldi customer who witnessed what experts call 'Till Rage' spoke of her ordeal, 'it was ridiculous. She put my card in the machine and then huffed and puffed while shouting to her neighbour on the till behind her. 

Another witness stated, 'she just kept pressing the cancel button again and again, and again!! I've seen till girls look angry like that before- I took a step back!'

An elderly customer also spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'I told the girl to stop, told her you gotta let the machine have time to process what you want it to do. Well, she could have burned me eyeballs with the look she gave me!'

Aldi have declined to comment but have added, 'it is not in our policy to start screaming at card machines. There will be a full investigation in the matter.'

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Teacher caught dancing on the tables will be made to teach Health and Safety.

Last Thursday evening, an English teacher of ten years was caught dancing on the tables in Maldon's  'Curry Nights' restaurant. The teacher- who can not be named for legal reasons- was out on a Christmas do and one vodka led to several more and two hours later she was on the tables, and dragging her friends up to come and join her.

The Head Teacher at the local school voiced his 'outrage' at the notion that the teacher 'dared' to enjoy herself when the Christmas holidays had not yet started- AND on a school night! He stated, 'I'm speechless. She should be put back in that cupboard, at the back of the classroom, where she belongs!'

One pupil at the local school, on hearing the news, laughed so hard that he had to have stitches to put his cheeks back together.  He reportedly said, 'it's just the funniest thing I've heard in ages.  I wish more teachers would dance on tables! And why didn't someone film it?'

The school governors have been woken up from their 24 hour daily nap and have decided not to discipline Miss X but, instead, they insist that she teaches and leads the school's delivery of the GCSE in Health And Safety.

The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that Miss X is currently in talks with her union rep to see whether the school can, in fact, make her teach this 'Mickey Mouse' subject.

Mrs Kipling demands her share of the profits!

Mr Kipling's mum has publicly accused her son of 'stealing' her recipes. A lady in her late sixties announced on Twitter who she was and an hour later #angrymamakipling was trending. 

Last night, Mrs Kipling made her first public appearance on the One Show and declared, 'I want the world to know who is REALLY behind those tasty Angel Cakes. The Crusty Loaf in Maldon is where all the Kipling recipes are born!'

Hours later, Mr Kipling called 'This Morning' and asked to speak to Philip Schofield. He declined to come on the show as he wanted the press to 'respect his privacy.' He made a statement on the phone,  'Mum had a bump to the head six months ago and we can conclude, therefore, that she's now lost some brain cells.  She's a raisin short of a Chelsea Bun!'

However, residents who live along Spital Road in Maldon have confirmed that what Mrs Kipling said 'could be true.' One resident reported, 'I do see large boxes come out of her bakery every Monday, about five in the morning, and recently I've seen crates of Elf slices outside her bakery door. A black lorry then arrives about ten past five and takes them away.  It's all very strange!' 

It is predicted that every resident in Maldon will participate in 'curtain twitching' next week, on Monday morning, at five.

SWEARING SANTA GETS THE SACK!

The Santa at Maldon's Grotto, in Essex, was given his 'marching orders' after swearing at children for taking the baubles off the Christmas tree. 

The man who can not be named (Mr S) was 'frustrated' that every child was 'fiddling' with the Christmas decorations. One of the elves stated, 'Mr S had asked the Grotto manager, several times, to install a rule where no one could touch the tinsel but the manager refused. So that was it. Every time anyone walked past the tree, Santa would twitch. The smaller the child the more pronounced the twitch.'

The hired cleaner also made a comment, 'it's such a shame but I don't know why Maldon Town employed a Santa who cares more about tree baubles than he does about the children. Even I wasn't allowed to touch the tree!'

One mother complained after her son was told that if he didn't let go of the bauble 'his (ducking) head was going to become a bauble!' She was quite 'depressed', 'Santa's not supposed to say those words! That would never have happened in my day!'

Mr S declined to comment but the Maldon Mayor made a statement, 'we don't condone this sort of language but we can understand the frustration of Mr S: we've had ten baubles, five bits of holly and 8 candy canes stolen in the last week. Children need to stop touching the Christmas tree. We don't worry about the tree falling over- we've stuck it down with blue-tac as we're VERY Health and Safety conscious- we just DON'T want our Santas going round the bend!'