Remembering the good old days? 'You're definitely past it!' says expert!

Across the uk, thousands of people are repeating the same phrase, again and again: 'things aren't as good as they used to be', 'why can't we write with pen and paper?', 'Remember when you HAD to arrive on time?'

'This a sign of an ageing population', says Kevin Pits, expert in STAMP (Studies in Ageing Mammals and People). 'Extensive research has been carried out into the behaviours and traits of the 'Past Its'.
They have found the following:
'I used to search in a library, not on google!'- this indicates a man who's in his forties.
'I remember having to go out in the garden to use a toilet'- this indicates someone who's in their eighties. Kevin believes that 'people just can't help themselves.'

However, HOOT (Helping Oldies On Together) expressed their 'disdain' that old people are 'past their best!' One member said, 'it's an absurd notion: we oldies are the only ones who can read a map, we know how a car works. And so what if I've offended everyone on Facebook? None of it's real!'

Are you a 'Past It?' The Big Pickle News Team would love to hear from you.

'Fat people are in my gym!' says human stick insect!

Across the country, thousands of people classed as 'horizontally challenged' are going on a 'health kick' and are taking up valuable spaces in local gyms. A health instructor expressed his 'deep' concerns: 'why can't fat people come in small groups? Yesterday, my gym was full of them. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. Something has to change!'

Meanwhile, FATTLS (For Anyone Trying To Lose Stones of weight) was in 'uproar' at the 'audacity' of these claims, a spokesperson told our news team: 'everyone should be encouraged to go to the gym. The gym saves lives, it saves hearts!'

The health secretary, as usual, when any tiny amount of pressure is on, has nothing useful to say so we asked his cat who hissed when we showed her a picture of the stick insects that inhabit our gyms.

'It's nearly Easter!' says every money-grabbing supermarket chain.

'Concerning' news has reached us in the last twenty four hours: now Christmas is over supermarkets intend to fill up their shelves with Easter Eggs. One customer 'could not believe her eyes'. Lucy Egglinton spoke to our news team: 'by all accounts Jesus was born, then he died, and then he was reborn again in less than a month. That's quite a miracle!'

A dentist from Pitsea was 'astonished' at this quick turnaround in chocolate consumption. Mr Gumstruck said, 'people are so fickle when it comes to chocolate: one minute they bite the head off a snowman, next they're scoffing cadbury's cream eggs! NOONE thinks about their teeth! The toothfairy's budget is getting quite stretched!'

Meanwhile, big supermarket stores have defended their 'Egg Actions': 'our job is to make as much money out of you guys as we possibly can. It's as simple as that!'

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'TO BE HONEST...' says person who just wants to insult you.

Those friends who say 'to be honest' could 'be about to insult you,' says insult specialist, Ben Johnson, who states that the words 'to be honest' mean 'they are putting a cushion in front of your face before they take the first punch.'

Many agree with this bold statement: 'being honest is the new excuse for saying what you darn well think' says expert in diplomacy, Mr Voice, whose inspirational theory drew the crowds to his lecture on 'Golden Gossip and how to get it.'

Plus, not everyone reacts well to words of honesty. Sally Gulliball wants to sue her husband for his honesty which, he says, was 'well intentioned'.

 Sally spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'we went shopping and I kept asking does my bum look big in this? He must have replied 'to be honest' about ten thousand times AND THEN he said, 'yeah! Really big!'

Sally Gulliball later reported that she was 'devastated' and that such honesty was 'unacceptable'.
'Why can't a man just lie and have done with it?'

Those who hate Christmas songs 'have a high I.Q', says boring expert.

If you like Christmas songs then you have a 'cell shortage' in the brain, claims one expert who has studied Christmas cheer for more than a decade. Mr Funsponge made his announcement, today, ahead of the festive period: 'if you have lots of electrons firing in the brain it can resist Christmas songs and all their fuzziness. If you don't have many electrons, your brain will give in; it will start to find Christmas fun!'


The World Health Organisation insists that it's all 'make believe'. One medical expert spoke to our news team: 'if you don't like Christmas songs you're a grumpy old git!'

According to papers published by various health officials- 'heavy weights' in the medical community- Christmas songs release 'fuzziness' into your stomach which is released into your blood stream. One official believes 'it creates new happiness- new brain cells are bound to follow!'

However, many consider these findings 'utter nonsense!' Mr Funsponge insists no happiness can come from listening to a jolly song, 'even Elton John can't make me smile!' he said.

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Britain 'shocked' by moderate Cold Snap.

Britain has been 'shocked' by temperatures which are the 'expected average' for this time of year. Thousands have taken to social media to express their utter surprise at having to wear their winter coats in December. One astonished woman wrote, 'It's cold out there!'

However, our obsession with weather which is 'normal' for this time of year isn't new. 'If you walk down any high street you will see the British people at their best,' states a Professor from Oxford University who specialises in B.O (British Oddities). 'They will continually repeat the same phrases. These are, in no particular order:
'Ooooh, it's bitter!'
'It's definitely Winter.'
'We might have snow!'

According to research carried out over the last fifty years, these phrases have never changed. The only phrase which is no longer in use is...'have we got enough fire wood?'

If you are affected by this seasonal 'shock and bewilderment' which seems to affect more than half of Britons each year then The Big Pickle News can offer the following advice:

1) Put the kettle on.
2) If tea alone doesn't calm your nerves, have a biscuit- not a Rich Tea- a proper biscuit.
3) Get your coat on.
4) Think about the number of extra calories you are burning in this cold. Then think of the extra biscuits you can have.

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Those who like Brussel sprouts have 'damaged taste buds'.

Those who like Brussel sprouts are no longer categorised as 'strange'- they actually have 'mutated taste buds' says vegetable specialist, Dave Broom. He spoke exclusively to our news team: 'Brussel sprouts are grown using damaged or rotten cabbage seeds and so those who think sprouts are tasty MUST have had a taste bud trauma!'

According to The Wide World Health Organisation, taste bud trauma can happen at 'any time' when something is 'so badly cooked' our taste buds become so distressed they shrivel up and die. With less taste buds, you taste less, and horrible things can then taste good. One specialist observed, 'you could eat mud and think you were eating chocolate roulade.'

Meanwhile, tongue surgeon Olivia Grey referred to these findings as 'absurd' because 'people who don't like sprouts are just wimps! Real people just put up and shut up!'

Not noticing a new hair cut is the main reason why your wife wants to punch you, a new study has revealed.

According to a study at Nottingham University, 10,000 men across the country, every ten minutes, are each wondering what they said to put their wife 'in a strop'. A relationship expert from Nottingham University, Mr Big, believes that a women's haircut acts as 'her peacock feathers.' So, he states, 'if she changes her feathers she wants her mate to notice her new feathers.'

Indeed, David Lame from London discovered the 'consequences' of not admiring his wife's new haircut, 'in the middle of the night, my wife dyed my hair orange.' 

It has been reported that Mrs Lame woke her husband up and 'shoved a mirror in his face.'  Mr Lame also said, 'she left me looking like an orange lolly pop. I almost lost my job at the Funeral Directors!'

Meanwhile, W.H.A.T (Women's Hair and Tresses) is not 'surprised' by this woman's reaction to her husband's lack of interest in her hair: 'do you know how much highlights cost, these days? Her husband could have said the the new colour matched her eyes!'

When we went back to Mr Lame, he was busy at Boots looking closely at 'Just For Men' hair dye and had no further comment to make. 

Cats pooing on your front lawn is number one reason why neighbours come to blows.

According to K.N.O.B.S (Keeping Neighbours Of Britain Safe) cat poo on your front lawn is the 'most likely' reason why neighbours come to blows. 

An expert in Neighbourly Harmony believes  that it is due to the 'revolting' smell of cat poo which makes a person's blood 'literally boil' when they spot a cat turd.

An expert in all things 'cat' , Doctor Mog, admits that it's the sheer 'belligerence' of cats which can really get up people's noses! One house owner, who can not be named for legal reasons, spoke to our news team: 'I almost drove into my front window when I spotted next door's cat doing its business just outside my front door!'

The study also revealed other 'bones' of contention between neighbours. Some of them included: parking in the wrong space, not offering to put the bins out, teenagers playing music out of an open window, talking too long while you're supposed to be mowing the lawn, not talking enough when you both get into your car to go to work in the morning and allowing the smell of bacon to waft down your street.  All of the above were amongst many reasons why some neighbours just don't get on.

Mr Brown (the spokesman for Neighbourly Harmony) insists that the key to neighbourly friendship is 'to control your cat.'

People who are rude and outspoken 'could have A.R.S.E gene.'

Across the UK, millions of obnoxious people may be carrying the A.R.S.E gene says new found research carried out by Men Of Sense, Excellence & Sight (MOSES). 

The study indicates that those people who push in the queue, swear at cuddly old ladies, fart in a lift or those who pinch things which are not their own could well be the A.R.S.E carrier. 

According to Cambridge University, some Cambridge students and M.O.S.E.S have secretly been pulling out strands of hair from the heads of certain politicians and have found some "interesting results". Mr Genie from the university spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: "some of the front benchers are carriers of the gene but, for legal reasons, we can not name them. Not yet!' 

Meanwhile, students at Oxford University have been "scathing" about the results and have questioned their "validity". One spokesmen for the university stated, "getting back DNA results can take a week. You can tell if someone carries the A.R.S.E gene in five minutes. Just spill their tea and watch their reaction: a 'oh never mind, dear,' is a definite NO CARRIER. Whereas, a response like 'You fu**er!' or 'where is your superior?' is a GUARANTEED CARRIER."

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Employee disciplined for having the 'audacity' to take 3 biscuits from the biscuit tin.

Today, Simon Wasfit has been in court charged with biscuit robbery. The office manager made a statement to our news team: 'we only allow employees to have two biscuits a day. Even in the holidays! So, from now on, we're going to padlock our steel biscuit tin.'

The 'surprisingly thin' man was caught 'stuffing his face' by the cleaner who spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'you should have seen all the crumbs he was making. I kept telling him to use a plate, but would he listen?'

Meanwhile, Simon's wife has been forced to make a statement at Chelmsford crown court: 'Simon has always insisted that he's got some allergy to manufactured tin and steel, says that's why he can never go near the kitchen. Well, we now know that's bulsh*t. Knowing that he's lied to me all along really takes the biscuit!'

A relationship expert claims that some men will say 'all number of lies' to get out of the household chores.

Meanwhile, Mr Wasfit has made a public apology on live television, 'I know that lying about allergies can have serious consequences- my wife tried to strangle me last night. I have learnt my lesson about marriage and biscuits.' 

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'Wasps really are out to get you!' states expert in Insectology.

Research carried out with 23 million wasps has confirmed the public's 'greatest fears': wasps really are vindictive ba**ards!

Mr Beenicks- lead practitioner in KOBS (keeping our bees safe)- has done extensive research into this area: 'wasps will see a human and immediately their angry 'vitals' start to rise. They see a human and want to kill it!'

One man in his twenties has witnessed this behaviour: 'I was minding my own business, eating my 99 Flake when two wasps landed on MY ice cream! I tried to flick them off but they stung me. They need to be taught not to steal other people's food.'

A wasp specialist found this 'amusing' and made a statement on live TV: 'some people need to be taught basic common sense!' However, Mr Bigsting has received a huge backlash on Twitter with some users calling him 'insensitive' and a 'wasp w*nker'. 

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People who don't drink tea 'could just be strange!'

CRAB (Community of Rubbish and Bullshit) have announced that people who don't like tea have 'mutated genes' and 'could be from another planet.'

The English Tea MD spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'tea is our national drink and those who don't like it are in danger of not being well.' 

A scientist from Oxford university, Doctor Leaf, can back up this claim, 

 'no one really knows this but millions of endorphins are released with each sip of tea. It is the single reason why people sigh after they've finished a good cuppa.'

However, other findings have 'worried' the nation: it's been estimated that 1 out of 20 people claim they don't like tea. And only 47% have actually tried it!  These are 'humiliating' findings according to the World Health Organisation. One health practitioner stated, 'you Brits have gone slack! Tea is the one drink you do well!'

Boris Johnson has been quick to defend the country's tea drinking traditions, 'we're not imbeciles, we will quickly deal with the country's growing disinterest in tea. It will be our number 1 policy.'

Mummy blogger 'goes bonkers' when she reads about her life online!

Mummy blogger goes bananas after reading about her life in her son's blog.

Yesterday, an appeal to the Supreme Court of Human Rights has been overturned when a mummy blogger tried to ban her son from writing about her in his blog. The mommy blogger is 'raging' about the verdict, 'my son lies about me. I don't drink buckets of Prosecco and I don't watch Jeremy Kyle!'

Meanwhile the son spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'mum lost it when I posted a picture of her in a onesie. She said it was the WRONG onesie!'

Other bloggers have 'openly confessed' that they have not considered how their ranting toddlers might grow up to be bloggers themselves. One blogger has been in contact with her solicitor to draw up papers to protect her from a possible lawsuit later on, 'I never thought that making up dramatised stories about my son's toilet habits would be a problem!'

However, middle-aged media experts believe that the ability to 'openly mock' your parents is 'alarming'. One has a thesis on the matter and believes 'teenagers who mock their parents could well be involved in fake news.'

Mother's sanity 'questionable' after she is caught watching Children's TV!

Sanity of mother 'questionable' after she was caught watching 'Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom' WITHOUT her children. 

A mother of two from Chelsea is currently 'undergoing tests' after she was caught 'with her feet up' in the middle of the day, watching the Children's TV programme while her children were at preschool.

The woman who can not be named for legal reasons 'insists' there is nothing wrong with her, 'I don't normally watch it. But Nanny Plum makes me laugh. I'm sure she fancies the Wise Old Elf!'

Meanwhile, the husband and father of two, who wishes to keep his anonymity, spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'her day off is supposed to be for doing the shopping- not relaxing!' This statement received scathing comments on Mumsnet who believe anyone's 'sanity' would 'be'put to the test' with such a 'male pig'.

A psychiatrist from Oxford university states that this is 'extremely common'. He reported that 'mums often watch TV programmes with their children and then get locked in by the luminous pink.' 

Another expert added, 'I've seen women with an IQ of a 160 laugh raucously during a Peppa Pig episode. The effects of all that colour is quite extraordinary.'

Dangerous grammar snobs are on the loose!

There's been a number of grammar snob 'sightings' at various locations in the UK.

The CEO of Facebook gave a clear warning last night. 'On a Facebook timeline near you, a grammar snob is lurking. Waiting.  He/She could be hiding behind a YouTube video or Huffington Post ad. NOONE is safe, they get you when you're most vulnerable.'

According to the BBC Watchdog, a grammar snob, 'may use a mug with grammar teachings on the side, they almost NEVER use abbreviations like OMG and are quite often boring and strict teachers.'

However, the Royal Society Of Good English Grammar 'objects' to the criminalisation of good grammar usage, 'why shouldn't we use the Queen's English correctly? We should not assume that everyone wants to embrace the world of LOL and BFF!'

A representative of the Facebook media team informed the public that they would 'endeavour' to erase all false grammar news as it was 'concerned' that some grammar snobs were giving incorrect information about how to use an apostrophe.

12 signs that you're more competent than your boss!

1) You notice 2 or 3 grammatical errors every time your boss sends an email.

2) In meetings you finish his sentences because he never explains things properly. 

3) Your boss eats far more chocolate than you do but claims all those wrappers in the draw are yours.

4) He has more toilet breaks than you.

5) He asks YOU if you know when he's getting paid. 

6) Even if he doesn't have a menstrual cycle, you know when his wife is menstruating because he moans about her incessantly. 

7) Your boss takes your drunken business ideas and claims them for his own.

8)  He takes the chocolate biscuits out of the tin before anyone else has a chance to.

9)  Your boss comes up with 'revolutionary' ideas for saving time like making a to-do list or organising a car share as if HE knows all the answers. 

10)  He doesn't know everyone's name and keeps calling you Susan who retired six months ago.

11) Your boss always says that Monday 'feels like a Tuesday'.

12) You cover up his mistakes and he's not even aware that he's made them. He thinks it's still Tuesday.


DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOUR BOSS?

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Cakes and happiness banned from the workplace.

Today, the Health Minister has stated that all cakes and sugary foods will be 'banned' from offices where any type of 'business activity' is taking place.

This new initiative has sent 'shock waves' across the big companies and financial markets in London. One FTSE expert stated, 'not having the office cakes will have serious consequences- low morale can devastate productivity.'

One expert in 'Pure Happiness' spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'it's really quite concerning. Cakes provide a satisfying sensation on the tongue and in the stomach. And don't underestimate the endorphins that are released when one unclasps the plastic box containing chocolate flapjacks.' 

The initiative comes after the Dentistry Watch Dog produced a programme on how all the cakes are 'making us wobble' and making our breath 'stink'. The narrator of the programme stated, 'cakes increase our fat and rot our teeth. We've got to stop eating cakes before we're too fat to fit through the office door.'

However, Delia Smith and Mary Berry have joined forces in their campaign to stop the Health Minister and plan to deliver homemade cakes to every office in the UK in their bid to 'make clear' how valuable to the economy a good cake can be. 

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Precious celebrities are released from their Bubble Wrap.

Basil Fawlty, Mr Bean and Del Boy are amongst some of the celebrities who've been released from their protective Bubble Wrap now that 2016 is over.

The BBC came up with the protection 'initiative' because they were concerned with the number of celebrities leaving our screens. A spokesmen for the BBC stated, 'it's been frightening. We want to take good care of the ones we have left.'

Doctor Wo-Little who's been leading the protection programme spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'we've taken good care of our vulnerable celebrities.  They've been fed, watered and placed in a pot under a 24 hour UV light.'

However, it's been reported that Basil was 'deeply disappointed' that the protection programme didn't last longer. 'A week is not enough!' he stated. 'It's my wife, Sybil, who I'm worried about. She won't be happy I'm back and you KNOW what she'll do. She's only just sewn them back on!'

Meanwhile, Dot Cotton was 'miffed' that she couldn't smoke and claimed that 'Elf and Safety' forgot what old ladies 'need'; Del Boy was desperate for a Pina Colada; and a famous TV broadcaster and naturalist (who can not be named for legal reasons) was 'adamant' that he was never going near a piece of Bubble Wrap ever again. 

A well-known celebrity expert voiced his opinion on the matter, 'celebrities! You can never please them!'

Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'