'What do you do all day?' says imbecile husband who does not value his life!

A man has committed the 'ultimate dad-sin': he asked his stay-at-home wife the most hated question- 'so what EXACTLY do you do all day?'

Mark Ter-watz claims that he was then 'verbally attacked' for over an hour. 'She recited a list and didn't pause for breath. I think she might have burst my ear drum!'

The Society of the Prevention of Twatty Sayings (SPOTS) 'insists' that Mark Ter-watz got his 'just desserts!' A spokesmen spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'when your partner says something like what have you done all day? they clearly have no more than three brain cells. Therefore, one has to beat them down in order for them to comprehend the enormous list required to run a home and to keep everyone alive!'

Mark Ter-watz and his wife have been 'reconciled'- he bought her some Prosecco.

The Tupperware conspiracy theory IS true: the little lids DO hide from you!

Research carried out in millions of homes across the UK has made a phenomenal discovery: Tupperware and their lids have 'micro little legs and can walk and climb out of the house!'

Lead researcher, Mr Tubby, has studied Tupperware sets over the course of 3 years. He spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'lids of all shapes and sizes make a run for it as soon as the lights go out! Many go out through the cat flap, or a window, never to be seen again!'

The Tupperware factories have called the discovery 'absurd' and stated that if people were able to put their Tupperware lids 'in one place' then they would know where to find them.

Meanwhile, in Dorset, according to Dave Pinktin, all the disappearing lids are blamed on him, 'every bloody time!' And he can state, quite honestly, that he has no idea 'where the f*ck the lid is!'

Cases of 'giddiness' and 'euphoria' seen in millions of parents as August comes to a close.

Across the UK, the Richter scale has reported regular tremors this week as millions of parents are 'jumping', 'skipping' and 'performing little dances' as the school holidays draws to a close.

A mum from Essex reports that her blood pressure has decreased, bit by bit, since the 20th August, 'we're at the point where I know I haven't got long to go! I can imagine a crumb free lounge and a hot cup of tea!'

Although for some parents it can be a very traumatic time.

TUMS (Traumatised & Upset Mothers) see an increase in online registrations each year: 'mums who watch their child go through the school gate for the very first time have it tough: they have to find out what phonics are, some go into panic mode thinking they can't remember the alphabet! Others hate the fact that they can now go shopping in peace and quiet. It's a traumatising time!'

Meanwhile, the W.I has made a public statement in response to tremors caused by overexcited parents: 'Mothers, get a grip! All this dancing is bad for your crockery; and TUMS Mums, for heavens sake, just learn how to bake!'

Follow The Big Pickle News on Facebook.

Refusal to eat broccoli linked to 'leadership qualities'.

A specialist in broccoli consumption has carried out 'pioneering' research that could change the way we regard our 'fussy' eaters. 'If children don't eat a bit of green, so what? Our studies suggest that one day they might be Prime Minister.'

However, the British Operator Of Bulshit Statistics (BOOBS) condemns these findings. 'Anyone can be Prime Minister, these days!  All you got to do is repeat a few policies again and again. Say 'Hard Brexit', and say it loudly, and the public will love it!'

Meanwhile the World Health Organisation is 'concerned' about 'this disdain' towards vegetables. 'When did we suddenly decide that leadership potential was more important than vitamins? We promote green things for a reason!'

Also, uproar has arisen in the House of Commons, one notorious MP spoke exclusively to the Big Pickle News: 'How dare BOOBS say that anyone can be Prime Minister! It takes a lot of selfies with young people and lots of knocking on people's doors before you REALLY know you're capable of leading the country!'

If you liked this satirical report, follow THE BIG PICKLE NEWS on Facebook. 

Woman who eats 1000g of Dairy Milk is 'adamant' that her diet starts tomorrow.

Sarah Biggs, an unfortunate mother of several 'lively' children, insists that she IS on a diet but eating 1000g of Dairy Milk is her 'only way' to get some peace.

She was spotted 'inhaling' the chocolate in the South Woodham Ferrers ASDA while her children sat in the Peppa Pig rocket. One till worker spoke up, 'she just scoffed the whole lot!'

Moments later, one onlooker rushed over to the mother as she spotted that the mother's eyelids had started to flicker, 'I almost began CPR but then she shouted at me.' The lady then told us a 'milder' version- 'Get the Fuck off me Fucking chocolate!' 

One expert in the field of chocolate addiction described what happened to Sarah Biggs as 'going into a chocolate coma'. He warned 'too much chocolate can send the brain into overdrive. This is where the brain starts changing our vision and everything we see turns into a chocolate bar.'

Sarah Biggs has been 'warned' about the consequences of 'inhaling' chocolate. However she insists that her diet is still on, 'I'm gonna start tomorrow.'

Follow the antics of The Big Pickle News.

Mummy blogger 'goes bonkers' when she reads about her life online!

Mummy blogger goes bananas after reading about her life in her son's blog.

Yesterday, an appeal to the Supreme Court of Human Rights has been overturned when a mummy blogger tried to ban her son from writing about her in his blog. The mommy blogger is 'raging' about the verdict, 'my son lies about me. I don't drink buckets of Prosecco and I don't watch Jeremy Kyle!'

Meanwhile the son spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'mum lost it when I posted a picture of her in a onesie. She said it was the WRONG onesie!'

Other bloggers have 'openly confessed' that they have not considered how their ranting toddlers might grow up to be bloggers themselves. One blogger has been in contact with her solicitor to draw up papers to protect her from a possible lawsuit later on, 'I never thought that making up dramatised stories about my son's toilet habits would be a problem!'

However, middle-aged media experts believe that the ability to 'openly mock' your parents is 'alarming'. One has a thesis on the matter and believes 'teenagers who mock their parents could well be involved in fake news.'

Mother's sanity 'questionable' after she is caught watching Children's TV!

Sanity of mother 'questionable' after she was caught watching 'Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom' WITHOUT her children. 

A mother of two from Chelsea is currently 'undergoing tests' after she was caught 'with her feet up' in the middle of the day, watching the Children's TV programme while her children were at preschool.

The woman who can not be named for legal reasons 'insists' there is nothing wrong with her, 'I don't normally watch it. But Nanny Plum makes me laugh. I'm sure she fancies the Wise Old Elf!'

Meanwhile, the husband and father of two, who wishes to keep his anonymity, spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'her day off is supposed to be for doing the shopping- not relaxing!' This statement received scathing comments on Mumsnet who believe anyone's 'sanity' would 'be'put to the test' with such a 'male pig'.

A psychiatrist from Oxford university states that this is 'extremely common'. He reported that 'mums often watch TV programmes with their children and then get locked in by the luminous pink.' 

Another expert added, 'I've seen women with an IQ of a 160 laugh raucously during a Peppa Pig episode. The effects of all that colour is quite extraordinary.'

SWEARING SANTA GETS THE SACK!

The Santa at Maldon's Grotto, in Essex, was given his 'marching orders' after swearing at children for taking the baubles off the Christmas tree. 

The man who can not be named (Mr S) was 'frustrated' that every child was 'fiddling' with the Christmas decorations. One of the elves stated, 'Mr S had asked the Grotto manager, several times, to install a rule where no one could touch the tinsel but the manager refused. So that was it. Every time anyone walked past the tree, Santa would twitch. The smaller the child the more pronounced the twitch.'

The hired cleaner also made a comment, 'it's such a shame but I don't know why Maldon Town employed a Santa who cares more about tree baubles than he does about the children. Even I wasn't allowed to touch the tree!'

One mother complained after her son was told that if he didn't let go of the bauble 'his (ducking) head was going to become a bauble!' She was quite 'depressed', 'Santa's not supposed to say those words! That would never have happened in my day!'

Mr S declined to comment but the Maldon Mayor made a statement, 'we don't condone this sort of language but we can understand the frustration of Mr S: we've had ten baubles, five bits of holly and 8 candy canes stolen in the last week. Children need to stop touching the Christmas tree. We don't worry about the tree falling over- we've stuck it down with blue-tac as we're VERY Health and Safety conscious- we just DON'T want our Santas going round the bend!'

Your mother's cooking IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, learns MASTERCHEF winner!

MasterChef Winner was throttled by own mother after she made two many jokes about her mother's cooking.

Shauna Kneel (2016 MasterChef Champion) is recovering from a bruised neck and broken voice box after her mother tried to kill her in her home, in Kent.

Yesterday, in the late afternoon, one hour after the elder Mrs Kneel came to visit, screams and sounds of broken china could be heard from Shauna Kneel's garden. One witness said, 'I live next door to Shauna. The noise coming from her house was deafening. Plus, several spatulas, forks and sieves were being chucked over the garden fence! I had to keep my cat in so she didn't get frightened!'

Kneel made no secret of her mother's unorthodox cooking methods, 'my mother's terrible cooking inspired me to want to cook. When you've been raised on beef mince with Branston Pickle, you want to cook properly!'

However, Mrs Kneel was reported to be 'hurt' by her daughter's comments. A close friend of Mrs Kneel stated, ''I'm not surprised she lashed out. When MasterChef was on, Shauna kept telling Mince and Branston Pickle jokes. Lilly's had enough! The worst thing was when everyone made fun of her cream cheese and gherkin tartlets. Then she REALLY lost her temper!'

The jokes became progressively worse. Mrs Kneel confirmed that fifty two jars of pickle had been left on her doorstep during the course of the Master Chef series which Mrs Kneel considered 'in bad taste!'

Currently, she is cooperating with the ongoing police investigation.  Mrs Kneel may have to go on a cookery course as part of her community service.

ASDA FIASCO caused by toddler playing with smart phone.

Yesterday, hundreds of ASDA stores were brought into chaos as card machines froze and tills shut down. 

THE BIG PICKLE NEWS can exclusively reveal that it was caused by the I.T Services Director falling asleep and leaving his smart phone (with all its system controls) in the hands of his two year old son.

Mr Grey was trying to fix some of the system failures for Asda but, like many parents, he has suffered chronic sleep deprivation. This can include symptoms such as slurring of speech, wide and confused eyes, and an inability to remember your name and address. And, therefore, the result of this condition is recurrent narcolepsy.  

Mr Grey was trying to complete some system checks on his smart phone for all the Asda stores in the South East area but then promptly fell asleep while sitting on his sofa. His wife reports that their two year old son, Tommy, then started to 'press things'. 'Tommy kept on patting the phone and shouting CEEBEBIES!' said his mum, 'I took the phone off him just in time. The water jets in every ASDA store were about to go off!'

Nevertheless, Tommy pressing every button on Mr Grey's phone caused disruption right across Great Britain. The smart phone being hammered and slobbered over resulted in customers being left stranded in stores because the sliding doors would not stop sliding open and shut for the whole afternoon. 'It was like a death trap!' one employee said, whose finger was caught in the door and now might need surgery, 'I had to get out of the store. I had to get home, things are getting good in East Enders!'