Britain 'shocked' by moderate Cold Snap.

Britain has been 'shocked' by temperatures which are the 'expected average' for this time of year. Thousands have taken to social media to express their utter surprise at having to wear their winter coats in December. One astonished woman wrote, 'It's cold out there!'

However, our obsession with weather which is 'normal' for this time of year isn't new. 'If you walk down any high street you will see the British people at their best,' states a Professor from Oxford University who specialises in B.O (British Oddities). 'They will continually repeat the same phrases. These are, in no particular order:
'Ooooh, it's bitter!'
'It's definitely Winter.'
'We might have snow!'

According to research carried out over the last fifty years, these phrases have never changed. The only phrase which is no longer in use is...'have we got enough fire wood?'

If you are affected by this seasonal 'shock and bewilderment' which seems to affect more than half of Britons each year then The Big Pickle News can offer the following advice:

1) Put the kettle on.
2) If tea alone doesn't calm your nerves, have a biscuit- not a Rich Tea- a proper biscuit.
3) Get your coat on.
4) Think about the number of extra calories you are burning in this cold. Then think of the extra biscuits you can have.

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Government offers 'ridiculous' advice on how to keep warm.

The government has issued a public leaflet offering 'helpful' advice on how to keep warm as temperatures dip a bit below freezing this week. 

A spokesmen for Downing Street made a statement, 'we are expecting moderately average temperatures but even though these temperatures are expected, we must prepare for the worse!'

However, the Labour leader has expressed his 'contempt' towards the leaflet and spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'it's ridiculous. The leaflet states that you must keep moving (at all times) in order to keep warm. And yet the front of the leaflet instructs you to stop, stop what you're doing, then it says that you must sit down and read the leaflet carefully. It's contradictory- and it WILL confuse people!'

The leaflet offers the following advice, 

'Drink lots of hot tea.  Cups and cups of tea. Make sure you drink it the moment it's served- a burnt tongue is well worth keeping warm!

Eat lots of sweets.  Always keep a bag of sweets on you. Love Handles and Moobs may not be pretty, but they'll keep you warm.

Wear your coat indoors AND outdoors. Forget what those old ladies used to say. New research into Winter coats suggests that 'you will feel the benefit!'

Teacher and pupils cast a snow spell.

Year 11 pupils from Maldon, in Essex, have been conducting 'an experiment' to see if a pagan snow spell actually works! 

The snow spell is expected to be a success and we should see some snow at some point during the winter months.

 A year 11 student who 'loved' the class spoke to our news team, 'it's the best lesson of the week. We don't do no writing. And Sir never has a go if we forget a pen! All we gotta do is remember to clean our cauldrons.'

The Head Teacher of Great Maldon High is reportedly 'outraged' that this underground lesson has been 'injected' into the timetable without his permission.  Plus, noone can find any evidence that it even took place. The Head's PA made a statement, 'it's been extremely difficult as the room with all these supposed cauldrons seems to have disappeared- even the caretaker can't find it.'

The teacher leading the 'unsavoury' cross curricular lesson has been suspended until further notice. One pupil at the school has insisted that it's 'all so unfair'. Another pupil said, 'we liked it! We ACTUALLY learnt something!'

When Mr Rice was questioned it was revealed that the students had become 'disillusioned' with the stress of their GCSEs, so Mr Rice  wanted to offer 'hope' and 'encouragement' by offering a lesson which would stimulate their imagination and team building skills.