People who are rude and outspoken 'could have A.R.S.E gene.'

Across the UK, millions of obnoxious people may be carrying the A.R.S.E gene says new found research carried out by Men Of Sense, Excellence & Sight (MOSES). 

The study indicates that those people who push in the queue, swear at cuddly old ladies, fart in a lift or those who pinch things which are not their own could well be the A.R.S.E carrier. 

According to Cambridge University, some Cambridge students and M.O.S.E.S have secretly been pulling out strands of hair from the heads of certain politicians and have found some "interesting results". Mr Genie from the university spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: "some of the front benchers are carriers of the gene but, for legal reasons, we can not name them. Not yet!' 

Meanwhile, students at Oxford University have been "scathing" about the results and have questioned their "validity". One spokesmen for the university stated, "getting back DNA results can take a week. You can tell if someone carries the A.R.S.E gene in five minutes. Just spill their tea and watch their reaction: a 'oh never mind, dear,' is a definite NO CARRIER. Whereas, a response like 'You fu**er!' or 'where is your superior?' is a GUARANTEED CARRIER."

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'Wasps really are out to get you!' states expert in Insectology.

Research carried out with 23 million wasps has confirmed the public's 'greatest fears': wasps really are vindictive ba**ards!

Mr Beenicks- lead practitioner in KOBS (keeping our bees safe)- has done extensive research into this area: 'wasps will see a human and immediately their angry 'vitals' start to rise. They see a human and want to kill it!'

One man in his twenties has witnessed this behaviour: 'I was minding my own business, eating my 99 Flake when two wasps landed on MY ice cream! I tried to flick them off but they stung me. They need to be taught not to steal other people's food.'

A wasp specialist found this 'amusing' and made a statement on live TV: 'some people need to be taught basic common sense!' However, Mr Bigsting has received a huge backlash on Twitter with some users calling him 'insensitive' and a 'wasp w*nker'. 

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Dad who went to school claims he's an 'expert' in Education.

A dad in his 40s insists that the whole country MUST listen to him- he went to school and remembers what it was like. We can conclude that he MUST KNOW what he's talking about.  

He made a statement on live television: "I know how teachers teach.  I was taught many years ago.  I can still remember."

ANUT (Angry National Union of Teachers) has scathingly commented on this belief that just because you went to school it makes you an expert.  One union rep stated, "I went to my doctors surgery a lot as a kid. Does that make me a doctor?? Does it make me an expert in medicine?"

Meanwhile, the man's wife has defended his claim, "Dave's even made a Facebook page so he must know what he's doing. Although, he does keep forgetting that in his day teachers had chalk boards and a cane."

Nevertheless, the country's chief school inspector is "keenly interested" in what this "unconventional" expert has to say.  A spokesman for this chief inspector (Mr Ignoranze) said, "we are open to new suggestions to improve our Education system- several Education Secretaries haven't had a clue- so we always try and keep an open mind. We should now look at random people off the street and see them as a valuable resource."

People who don't drink tea 'could just be strange!'

CRAB (Community of Rubbish and Bullshit) have announced that people who don't like tea have 'mutated genes' and 'could be from another planet.'

The English Tea MD spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'tea is our national drink and those who don't like it are in danger of not being well.' 

A scientist from Oxford university, Doctor Leaf, can back up this claim, 

 'no one really knows this but millions of endorphins are released with each sip of tea. It is the single reason why people sigh after they've finished a good cuppa.'

However, other findings have 'worried' the nation: it's been estimated that 1 out of 20 people claim they don't like tea. And only 47% have actually tried it!  These are 'humiliating' findings according to the World Health Organisation. One health practitioner stated, 'you Brits have gone slack! Tea is the one drink you do well!'

Boris Johnson has been quick to defend the country's tea drinking traditions, 'we're not imbeciles, we will quickly deal with the country's growing disinterest in tea. It will be our number 1 policy.'

Shocking report reveals that men DO believe in the Bin Fairy.

Today, a damning report has surfaced which claims over 90% of men believe in the bin fairy- that every bin in the house is somehow emptied by a 'small magical flying creature'.

Millions of women across the UK have collectively rolled their eyes in response to this report. One representative of the Women's Institute commented, 'mothers of the previous generation have spoilt their boys. So now men think fairies do household chores!'

An expert in the field 'worryingly' overheard two men talking in the pub. 'I almost choked on my drink when I overheard them discussing their magic dishwashers!'

Meanwhile, several men have 'hit back' insisting that 'it wasn't their fault!'. Others are 'adamant' that the bin fairy DOES exist. One man insists,  'I have never seen my wife take the bins out. Ever!'

Woman who eats 1000g of Dairy Milk is 'adamant' that her diet starts tomorrow.

Sarah Biggs, an unfortunate mother of several 'lively' children, insists that she IS on a diet but eating 1000g of Dairy Milk is her 'only way' to get some peace.

She was spotted 'inhaling' the chocolate in the South Woodham Ferrers ASDA while her children sat in the Peppa Pig rocket. One till worker spoke up, 'she just scoffed the whole lot!'

Moments later, one onlooker rushed over to the mother as she spotted that the mother's eyelids had started to flicker, 'I almost began CPR but then she shouted at me.' The lady then told us a 'milder' version- 'Get the Fuck off me Fucking chocolate!' 

One expert in the field of chocolate addiction described what happened to Sarah Biggs as 'going into a chocolate coma'. He warned 'too much chocolate can send the brain into overdrive. This is where the brain starts changing our vision and everything we see turns into a chocolate bar.'

Sarah Biggs has been 'warned' about the consequences of 'inhaling' chocolate. However she insists that her diet is still on, 'I'm gonna start tomorrow.'

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Gullible woman does cartwheels to make herself look young.

A woman is suffering from a double fracture to both wrists after she tried to do a triple cartwheel in her local park, today.

Kathryn Player (a mother who displays certain 'wally traits') has done extensive research into the benefits of cartwheeling in an attempt to make herself look more youthful. However, according to her mother it hasn't worked, 'it's a damn shame! She still looks her age.'

It was a post on Mumsnet that recommended this 'deluded' woman to perform three cartwheels a day. Kathryn spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'I hadn't done a cartwheel since 1989. I thought it would be like riding a bike.'

However, onlookers who witnessed the cartwheels have been 'traumatised' by what they saw. One elderly gentlemen told us, 'it was monstrous- legs were flying everywhere! And I think it's a disgrace to all those professional cart wheelers.'

The association of respectful cartwheelers (ARC) has made a statement: 'no one should perform a cartwheel unless they have our expressed permission to do so.'

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Mummy blogger 'goes bonkers' when she reads about her life online!

Mummy blogger goes bananas after reading about her life in her son's blog.

Yesterday, an appeal to the Supreme Court of Human Rights has been overturned when a mummy blogger tried to ban her son from writing about her in his blog. The mommy blogger is 'raging' about the verdict, 'my son lies about me. I don't drink buckets of Prosecco and I don't watch Jeremy Kyle!'

Meanwhile the son spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'mum lost it when I posted a picture of her in a onesie. She said it was the WRONG onesie!'

Other bloggers have 'openly confessed' that they have not considered how their ranting toddlers might grow up to be bloggers themselves. One blogger has been in contact with her solicitor to draw up papers to protect her from a possible lawsuit later on, 'I never thought that making up dramatised stories about my son's toilet habits would be a problem!'

However, middle-aged media experts believe that the ability to 'openly mock' your parents is 'alarming'. One has a thesis on the matter and believes 'teenagers who mock their parents could well be involved in fake news.'

Mother's sanity 'questionable' after she is caught watching Children's TV!

Sanity of mother 'questionable' after she was caught watching 'Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom' WITHOUT her children. 

A mother of two from Chelsea is currently 'undergoing tests' after she was caught 'with her feet up' in the middle of the day, watching the Children's TV programme while her children were at preschool.

The woman who can not be named for legal reasons 'insists' there is nothing wrong with her, 'I don't normally watch it. But Nanny Plum makes me laugh. I'm sure she fancies the Wise Old Elf!'

Meanwhile, the husband and father of two, who wishes to keep his anonymity, spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'her day off is supposed to be for doing the shopping- not relaxing!' This statement received scathing comments on Mumsnet who believe anyone's 'sanity' would 'be'put to the test' with such a 'male pig'.

A psychiatrist from Oxford university states that this is 'extremely common'. He reported that 'mums often watch TV programmes with their children and then get locked in by the luminous pink.' 

Another expert added, 'I've seen women with an IQ of a 160 laugh raucously during a Peppa Pig episode. The effects of all that colour is quite extraordinary.'

Cakes and happiness banned from the workplace.

Today, the Health Minister has stated that all cakes and sugary foods will be 'banned' from offices where any type of 'business activity' is taking place.

This new initiative has sent 'shock waves' across the big companies and financial markets in London. One FTSE expert stated, 'not having the office cakes will have serious consequences- low morale can devastate productivity.'

One expert in 'Pure Happiness' spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'it's really quite concerning. Cakes provide a satisfying sensation on the tongue and in the stomach. And don't underestimate the endorphins that are released when one unclasps the plastic box containing chocolate flapjacks.' 

The initiative comes after the Dentistry Watch Dog produced a programme on how all the cakes are 'making us wobble' and making our breath 'stink'. The narrator of the programme stated, 'cakes increase our fat and rot our teeth. We've got to stop eating cakes before we're too fat to fit through the office door.'

However, Delia Smith and Mary Berry have joined forces in their campaign to stop the Health Minister and plan to deliver homemade cakes to every office in the UK in their bid to 'make clear' how valuable to the economy a good cake can be. 

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Government offers 'ridiculous' advice on how to keep warm.

The government has issued a public leaflet offering 'helpful' advice on how to keep warm as temperatures dip a bit below freezing this week. 

A spokesmen for Downing Street made a statement, 'we are expecting moderately average temperatures but even though these temperatures are expected, we must prepare for the worse!'

However, the Labour leader has expressed his 'contempt' towards the leaflet and spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'it's ridiculous. The leaflet states that you must keep moving (at all times) in order to keep warm. And yet the front of the leaflet instructs you to stop, stop what you're doing, then it says that you must sit down and read the leaflet carefully. It's contradictory- and it WILL confuse people!'

The leaflet offers the following advice, 

'Drink lots of hot tea.  Cups and cups of tea. Make sure you drink it the moment it's served- a burnt tongue is well worth keeping warm!

Eat lots of sweets.  Always keep a bag of sweets on you. Love Handles and Moobs may not be pretty, but they'll keep you warm.

Wear your coat indoors AND outdoors. Forget what those old ladies used to say. New research into Winter coats suggests that 'you will feel the benefit!'

Christmas is over- every man on earth wants to join the gym.

Today, every human who's eaten their weight in chocolate, pies and wine will go to their local gym in an attempt to burn off 1000s of excess calories.

The gym company NO PAIN NO GAIN claim they are expecting a 'run on the gym' where they believe their gym will be 'filled to the brim' with angry people who 'regret' and 'lament' the number of mince pies and whiskey glasses they consumed.

A 'run on the gym' is where gyms have to shut down because people in their hundreds rush to the gym and start fighting and doing rugby tackles in order to be the first on the step machines and bikes.  The result is huge damage to the gym equipment and complete 'disorder' in the building.

A lead Fitness Trainer who specialises in Post-Christmas-Fat-Regret stated how 'moody' people can get after Christmas, 'people don't like it when they can see a muffin top or a thigh wobble. Both can be quite frightening.'

However, there is a risk that gym websites all over Britain  will 'crash' and go into  'shut down' when thousands of people in 'record breaking' numbers will decide to sign up to their local gym. Gym websites like Whales R Us, and Curves not Cakes are 'working round the clock' to ensure that their websites are up and functioning 'as normal'.

Shopping centres are filled with men!

Across the country, thousands of men are out shopping. The sight of so many men in a shop is a 'rare and beautiful' event states one expert who specialises in Male Retail habits. 'They walk with purpose as they approach the escalator; they exchange glances with the man behind them and there is a knowing look- sometimes even a chuckle.'

However, this annual event can also witness 'distress and confusion' amongst male shoppers. Some look 'dazed' while others are 'wide-eyed and jittery' reports one John Lewis manager who has witnessed twenty Christmas Eves in his lifetime, 'others have the panic look- delayed Christmas Panic Syndrome- where we must alert our medical team just in case the man's panic leads to a seizure.'

Also, the annual event can result in 'unpredictable' behaviour in women across the country, reports a Christmas Shopping expert from Oxford University. 'Some women feel slightly anxious if they suspect a present apocalypse approaching or desperately excited if they believe they might receive a wedding proposal. In these cases the woman will have dilated pupils, sweaty palms and a propensity to forget all her Christmas plans. But, thankfully, these symptoms only last for an hour.'

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Stupidity is rising as the number of selfies increases.

The 'obsession' with selfies is turning the human race into 'imbeciles', claims Professor Judge from Cambridge University. 'Selfies are changing the human race. We are spending far too much time posing in front of a tiny lense. In a few years, we will see changes to our bodies: our necks will grow at a wonk, our fingers will grow long and curl inwards and our eyes will become more square-like!'

Pear Yphones have accused Cambridge University of 'scaremongering' and for 'pretending' to make intelligent predictions.  A spokesmen for the CEO stated, 'we believe selfies are the best thing to be invented. They encourage people to focus on themselves and nobody else.'

Meanwhile, in 2017, The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that there will be an independent study carried out to investigate the real effects of the 'Selfie Age'. The study will be carried out on people who produced over 10,000 selfies in 2016 and there will be investigations into signs of neck or finger 'abnormalities' such as increased neck length or crooked finger syndrome. 

Watch Bulldog will broadcast a programme tomorrow night. A scientist behind the programme stated, 'people don't realise the dangers. If a person always puts on a big pout for a selfie, one day, the wind will change and they'll stay like that!'

Man's tight jeans are NOT because of the mince pies!

A man from Colchester, in Essex, has 2nd degree burns on his thighs and stomach after squeezing himself into his jeans which were 'far too tight!'

Billy Silly, 38, 'insists' that it was the Tumble Dryer on 'too high a setting' which shrunk his jeans, 'it's not the hundred and fourteen mince pies I've had this week, despite what my wife says! I keep telling her, men have a high metabolism. We can eat what we want.'

Meanwhile, the obesity charity 'Don't Obese Me' reported that there is a 'worrying' tradition during the festive period that people act like 'chocolate hamsters'. An Obesity expert reported, 'on Christmas Day, in particular, people seem to eat and eat and eat and they only stop when they feel ill. But as soon as the 'feeling ill' stage grows faint, they start eating again.'

Meanwhile Mr Nibbles has issued an apology, 'we are sorry if our mince pies are addictive, we wish you to spend your money to maintain our deliciously high profits, but we never endorse or encourage heart problems.'

TV perfume advert 'not pointless enough'.

The Maldunne Perfume advert where a muscly bodyguard saves a princess from a cliff edge has been pulled as it contains a storyline and so isn't 'pointless enough'.

The advertising standards agency insists that it needs to meet the legal 'pointless guidelines'. One spokesmen stated, 'every perfume advert must be completely pointless in order to have that mystery and intrigue. Therefore, the advert must have no talking, lots of close ups of dazed and disorientated characters and a whispery voiced narrator. Start having dialogue and actors who can do more than one facial expression and the advert flops!'

Maldunne perfume declined to comment on the matter but insisted that the advert had met the 'pointless guidelines' and that to accuse them of trying to add 'charisma and authenticity' to the characters was both insulting and unhelpful.

The actress who plays the princess in the Maldunne advert has 'promised' the company that she will 'forget everything that drama school taught her' so that she can be more 'wooden'.

Christmas Cake Marzipan found to contain sticky stuff found in lip gloss.

Christmas Cake Marzipan made by Marzitate has recently been found to have 'worrying' levels of the chemical Glosstrux which is the chemical found in sparkly lip gloss.

Immediately after the health expert from Watch Dogs filed his report, thousands of Christmas cakes have been taken off the shelves in supermarkets across the country as the chemical is considered to be 'highly potent'. Symptoms of over exposure to Glosstrux include glitter fluid coming out of eye ducts, shiny forehead and glittery stool- some could even find silver studs!

Marzitate have publicly come out and are 'sorry' that people have suffered the effects of Glosstrux 'we are very sorry that people have had to wear glitter-resistant eye patches.  We know they're expensive.'

Meanwhile, on social media people have been taking selfies of themselves and their sparkly stools, someone on Twitter stated, 'It's bright and beautiful! I swear I've pooed out a Disco Ball!'

However, The World Health Organisation has been concerned about people's 'flippant' reaction to the contaminated Marzipan and its symptoms. One spokesman stated, 'this is a serious matter. Everyone should be checking their stool carefully- it's a health hazard not a selfie opportunity! If you've been affected call 911.'

The advice is DON'T POSE JUST CHECK!

Government issues leaflet advising schools on how to save money.

The Government has issued an A5 poster entitled HOW TO SAVE THE PENNIES which should reach every school in the country by tomorrow morning.

A spokesperson for the Education Secretary reported, 'the leaflet is both informative and succinct. Having it all there in such a small space teaches teachers that you can be economical with ANYTHING!'

Meanwhile, NASUWT and NUT (teaching unions) are 'furious' and one NUT representative spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'when was the last time anyone in Westminster stepped into a school? What the government knows about schools you could barely fill up a postage stamp never mind an A5 bit of paper!'

The leaflet which has caused so much 'outrage' includes tips such as:

-How to use one tea bag for every ten cups of tea.

-How to pick your top 3 students and make the job of fixing the school network part of their I.T course. 

-How to issue school reports on Snapchat in order to save paper and save space on the school system.

NASUWT have 'actively encouraged'  all its members to regard the leaflet as fancy toilet paper and to use it in the appropriate manner.

Man goes 'berserk' when neighbour blocks his Christmas reindeer.

A thirty-year-old father wants to press charges against a neighbour who parked in front of his Christmas reindeer. 

For several weeks there have been 'evils' exchanged between the two neighbours but tensions heightened when the neighbour- who can not be named for legal reasons- parked his car right in front of the man's front lawn.

'That reindeer was supposed to cheer people up!' stated the father of two. 'It lights up the whole road, when you can see it. I was planning on buying eight more but now I can't and I KNOW a lot of people are gonna be disappointed!'

Meanwhile, another neighbour spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'each day they've been arguing. First they blocked eachother's driveways, then they stole each other's food bins and now THIS!'

The neighbour in question refused to comment on the matter but we were able to confirm with his window cleaner that he DOES have a criminal record for Christmas Tree theft and Holly Bush vandalism.

Elf might be done for THEFT!

A father of four has accused the family's elf of stealing his XBox.  The video game console was last seen on Wednesday 7th December, at one in the morning, just before he went to bed.

The man insists it was Eddie (their new elf), 'I knew he would steal my Xbox, I caught him eyeing it up when I was playing it.  I reckon Santa's gonna be cross- the Xbox is the only thing that helps me relax!'

Last night, there were reports of 'shouts' and 'wails' coming from the garage. The man's wife stated, 'he went mad. He made a last ditch attempt to check the garage but when he realised the Xbox wasn't there he ran back into the house and started yelling at Eddie. But Eddie stayed calm. He didn't move a muscle!'

Today, The Big Pickle News managed to get an exclusive chat with one of the children and the nan. Both made claims that it 'might have been' someone else who stole the Xbox. The girl made this statement, 'we reckon Mum stole it. One day, dad didn't even put his dirty socks in the wash basket. And THAT, mum said, was the last straw!'