STRICTLY no Farage!

After seeing Ed Balls perform his Gangnam Style routine on Strictly Come Dancing, Farage has told BBC bosses that he wants to be a contender in next year's series. 

A source close to the UKIP leader stated, 'Ed Balls has suddenly become a national treasure. Nigel knows he needs people to come round to his way of thinking before he has any chance of becoming Prime Minister. Trump has given him hope. So why not start with Strictly?'

However, Strictly bosses have vowed to pull the show if Farage is brought on, 'our ratings would plummet. The boos would be horrible, and Len might strangle him!'

When discussing his future on BBC question time,  Farage admitted being a 'huge fan' of Strictly Come Dancing which brought on such hysterics from the rest of the panel  that Dimbleby couldn't regain control for a full ten minutes!  One member of the audience said, 'I have never seen Dimbleby look so cross!'

Afterwards, Farage was getting on a plane back to New York, to see Trump, one onlooker said, 'he was shouting really loudly that all British politicians are corrupt!'

He is reportedly off to talk to the American president-elect who 'really knows' what he's talking about!

Witchcraft soars as Trump's popularity increases.

The Witchfest International reports that the number of American women signing up to Wicca has quadrupled in the last year. Women of all ages 'feel' they need to learn magic in light of Trump's growing popularity.  According to the Witchfest survey, women 'fear' that they are 'vulnerable' if Trump wins the election.

A spokesperson for Wiccan International said, 'people are desperate. I mean, we don't go into turning people into toads but we do some powerful stuff! I've made a man drink coffee when he originally wanted tea!'

Meanwhile, Air Traffic control systems are overused and overtired as the number of broomstick flights taking place has also quadrupled. One traffic controller remarked on the 'lack of courtesy' that some of these new witches were displaying, 'none of them stop or wait when they should. I mean, people never used to fly like that ten years ago!'

Trump's spokesman expressed his 'disgust' at so many women turning to witchcraft. 'Trump's not gonna like that! He'll want to get rid of all those witches. How's he gonna grab a woman if they're all on broomsticks?'

The Wiccan spokeswoman has mentioned a new project- their Anti-Trump spell which will work on Trump's inability to 'hear' what a woman wants. 'We aim to remove this disability for Trump and any other man who has impaired hearing.'