Britain 'shocked' by moderate Cold Snap.

Britain has been 'shocked' by temperatures which are the 'expected average' for this time of year. Thousands have taken to social media to express their utter surprise at having to wear their winter coats in December. One astonished woman wrote, 'It's cold out there!'

However, our obsession with weather which is 'normal' for this time of year isn't new. 'If you walk down any high street you will see the British people at their best,' states a Professor from Oxford University who specialises in B.O (British Oddities). 'They will continually repeat the same phrases. These are, in no particular order:
'Ooooh, it's bitter!'
'It's definitely Winter.'
'We might have snow!'

According to research carried out over the last fifty years, these phrases have never changed. The only phrase which is no longer in use is...'have we got enough fire wood?'

If you are affected by this seasonal 'shock and bewilderment' which seems to affect more than half of Britons each year then The Big Pickle News can offer the following advice:

1) Put the kettle on.
2) If tea alone doesn't calm your nerves, have a biscuit- not a Rich Tea- a proper biscuit.
3) Get your coat on.
4) Think about the number of extra calories you are burning in this cold. Then think of the extra biscuits you can have.

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Those who don't like cats 'might not be fully human'.

People who don't like cats could well have 'mutated dog genes' states unknown scientist from Walsall University.

According to CATPO (Cats and the People Obviously) there has been 'ground breaking' research uncovered which explains why some people love cats and why some people hate dogs.

It reveals that you can tell those who love cats by their appearance, 'although these people are 100% human, many of them are women who display several whiskers and have rather pointy teeth,' says Dorothy from CATPO who, we noticed, had rather pointy ears.

The W.I have called out on this one, 'verbally swiping' at this claim: 'this is nonsense. Any woman can have whiskers. Ladies, we should wear our facial hair with pride. It's all about gender equality. Beards aren't just for men!'

One woman from Devon has gone on live radio to dismiss the claim made by CATPO and Walsall University: 'what about people who love cats AND dogs?'

A representative deep in the heart of CATPO spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: someone who likes both dogs and cats is rare! We can't include such variables- it would muck up our results too much!'

Obsessively counting your steps is a sure sign you 'suck' at Maths.

Extensive research into the type of customer who buys a fitbit has revealed that those who can't stop counting steps 'struggle' with basic addition.

Tracy, from Canvey, has always struggled with her counting since she was a 'wee nipper'. 'I always struggled with counting then I realised why- one day it dawned on me- that I only had nine toes when everyone else had ten! In Canvey, A LOT of people only have nine toes.

Meanwhile, a fitness specialist from Loughborough university, Doctor Ports, has made a public statement: 'Fit bits mean anyone can keep fit- even those who eat burgers all day can still claim to be a bit fit! Why knock it?'

The World Health Organisation has insisted that one should not 'give a rat's FAT arse' about what the critics say, 'counting your steps means people have GREAT maths skills. Counting to ten thousand is quite an achievement!'

Those who like Brussel sprouts have 'damaged taste buds'.

Those who like Brussel sprouts are no longer categorised as 'strange'- they actually have 'mutated taste buds' says vegetable specialist, Dave Broom. He spoke exclusively to our news team: 'Brussel sprouts are grown using damaged or rotten cabbage seeds and so those who think sprouts are tasty MUST have had a taste bud trauma!'

According to The Wide World Health Organisation, taste bud trauma can happen at 'any time' when something is 'so badly cooked' our taste buds become so distressed they shrivel up and die. With less taste buds, you taste less, and horrible things can then taste good. One specialist observed, 'you could eat mud and think you were eating chocolate roulade.'

Meanwhile, tongue surgeon Olivia Grey referred to these findings as 'absurd' because 'people who don't like sprouts are just wimps! Real people just put up and shut up!'