A stress-free Christmas? Not on your Nellie!

Research gathered across the UK has revealed 88% of the British population want a 'stress free' Christmas, this year, but Christmas scientist tells us, 'you're better off betting on a white Christmas!'

Mr Stock-King has spent 30 years trying to find the perfect Christmas but in his academic paper his end statement was one word- 'bollocks!'

He went on, 'there are too many variables which can ruin a perfect Christmas: Turkeys can refuse to cook, presents can be hand-made and you can't take them back, 'Home Alone' can only be on ONCE, tight trousers can leave welt marks- the list is ENDLESS!'

Arthur Eczema (leading researcher in seasonal emotions) agreed, 'no amount of meditation can make you like Brussel Sprouts! No amount of yoga can make you get out of this one! Christmas might well suck but, just remember, there's always Morecambe and Wise! Who doesn't like a repeat?
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Those who like Brussel sprouts have 'damaged taste buds'.

Those who like Brussel sprouts are no longer categorised as 'strange'- they actually have 'mutated taste buds' says vegetable specialist, Dave Broom. He spoke exclusively to our news team: 'Brussel sprouts are grown using damaged or rotten cabbage seeds and so those who think sprouts are tasty MUST have had a taste bud trauma!'

According to The Wide World Health Organisation, taste bud trauma can happen at 'any time' when something is 'so badly cooked' our taste buds become so distressed they shrivel up and die. With less taste buds, you taste less, and horrible things can then taste good. One specialist observed, 'you could eat mud and think you were eating chocolate roulade.'

Meanwhile, tongue surgeon Olivia Grey referred to these findings as 'absurd' because 'people who don't like sprouts are just wimps! Real people just put up and shut up!'

Over 50% of us will suffer from Festive 'Grinch Rage', this year.

According to a study carried out by North Pole Elves, over half of us have suffered from 'uncontrollable rage' whenever we have seen Christmas 'paraphernalia' on the shop shelves, because 'it's too soon', and 'not bloody Christmas, yet!'

Symptoms of Grinch Rage can include a burning sensation under your skin (due to your blood pressure reaching boiling point), steam emitting from one's nostrils, spit flying everywhere and your eyesight being distorted by a red mist!

Nora Battie from Chelmsford says that every time she goes into Sainsbury's she has an 'uncontrollable twitch' because all she can see is advent calendars and mince pies. Yesterday, she punched a till worker because he asked if she'd 'possibly' seen the Christmas jumpers.

Dave Poorgit spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'the customer looked a bit red so I took pity on her- thought she might be going through one of those menopausal hot flushes- so I was just trying to make conversation about Chistmas.
I now need to see the dentist. URGENTLY!

Meanwhile, The World Health Organisation is 'frantically' trying to find a non drug type sedative for Grinch Rage so that shop workers can 'remain safe'. 

Woman who 'couldn't give a toss' about Christmas is suspected of being extraterrestrial!

Last night, a woman stated on Facebook that she 'couldn't give a toss about Christmas' and it sent the festive world into a spin! There's been outrage on social media and many people have had their 'Elf on the Shelf' brandishing a Pitchfork in protest. 

A Christmas expert who specialises in 'festive cheer' reported that it was 'very unusual' to be so dismissive of Christmas at this time of year. 'The woman has displayed almost psychopath tendencies.  We need to check out her DNA because something isn't right! I mean, who doesn't like Christmas? If one is not moved by Wizard's I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY! then one must assume the person is suffering from seasonal flu!'

The woman, who can not be named for legal reasons, is still insisting that she said the right thing, 'Christmas is too commercialised. Elves and gaudy trees have taken over my Facebook timeline- I liked it better when it was babies and Prosecco!'

A thirty-one-year-old woman, who insists that Santa is 'alive', reacted to the woman's rant on Facebook, 'there's just no need for comments like that! I pity her, poor woman! Once she starts believing in Santa, again, she'll feel MUCH BETTER!'

Man goes 'berserk' when neighbour blocks his Christmas reindeer.

A thirty-year-old father wants to press charges against a neighbour who parked in front of his Christmas reindeer. 

For several weeks there have been 'evils' exchanged between the two neighbours but tensions heightened when the neighbour- who can not be named for legal reasons- parked his car right in front of the man's front lawn.

'That reindeer was supposed to cheer people up!' stated the father of two. 'It lights up the whole road, when you can see it. I was planning on buying eight more but now I can't and I KNOW a lot of people are gonna be disappointed!'

Meanwhile, another neighbour spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'each day they've been arguing. First they blocked eachother's driveways, then they stole each other's food bins and now THIS!'

The neighbour in question refused to comment on the matter but we were able to confirm with his window cleaner that he DOES have a criminal record for Christmas Tree theft and Holly Bush vandalism.

Tesco employee criticised for telling terrible joke.

Several customers started hyperventilating in Tesco after they were told that all the Turkeys had been sold out. 

Yesterday afternoon, a joke went 'horribly wrong' when a store manager at Tesco wanted to 'raise morale' amongst his staff: he decided to make a tannoy announcement that Tesco could no longer afford to sell Turkeys because of Brexit. 'I expected everyone to laugh and then carry on shopping. I mean, what have our Turkeys got to do with Brexit?'

The Tesco CEO was 'surprised' and 'alarmed' by the news, 'we take our customer care very seriously. We have launched a full scale investigation into the matter. Humour can be a dangerous thing!'

One of the customers who was rushed to A&E spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'Christmas is the most important day of the year. I put 10 hours into the stuffing balls, alone. The idea that I might not need cranberry sauce was just too much. Everything went black!'

The Tesco employee behind the 'scam' has refused to comment. On the other hand, another victim who struggled to breathe has said she'll talk 'openly' if she gets double the points and a free Turkey.

Elf might be done for THEFT!

A father of four has accused the family's elf of stealing his XBox.  The video game console was last seen on Wednesday 7th December, at one in the morning, just before he went to bed.

The man insists it was Eddie (their new elf), 'I knew he would steal my Xbox, I caught him eyeing it up when I was playing it.  I reckon Santa's gonna be cross- the Xbox is the only thing that helps me relax!'

Last night, there were reports of 'shouts' and 'wails' coming from the garage. The man's wife stated, 'he went mad. He made a last ditch attempt to check the garage but when he realised the Xbox wasn't there he ran back into the house and started yelling at Eddie. But Eddie stayed calm. He didn't move a muscle!'

Today, The Big Pickle News managed to get an exclusive chat with one of the children and the nan. Both made claims that it 'might have been' someone else who stole the Xbox. The girl made this statement, 'we reckon Mum stole it. One day, dad didn't even put his dirty socks in the wash basket. And THAT, mum said, was the last straw!'

Elf in 'poor health' due to long working hours.

'Elf on the Shelf', the Elf recruitment agency, has complained of 'unfair' working conditions that their elves are increasingly operating under. The Trade unions, such as Candy Care and Santa's Specials, have been drawing up new contract guidelines which may well lead to strikes if they are not adhered to by Santas Inc (the institution which employs these elf actors).

One elf who's been in the business for twenty years is 'exhausted' by the work pace which elves are now subjected to, 'it was so easy to begin with, back in the day. Big people respected every position you took up and were excited if you just moved along the shelf! Now, they whine if you're not throwing the loo roll about!'

One young elf was almost thrown out of the house for 'being boring'. He reports exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'these 24 hour shifts are exhausting!  How can I be original on zero hours sleep? I learnt CLASSICAL acting at drama school, not this silly pose rubbish.'

Santas Inc have refused to comment, although they're currently meeting with Candy Care to discuss ways forward.

Meanwhile, Santa is 'shocked' and 'dismayed', and has reportedly doubled the bonus of every demoralised elf.