Those who like straight lines 'could be from another planet!'

An organisation called S.C.A.T.T.Y (Severely Clumsy And Totally Talented Youngsters) has carried out a study into why some people like straight lines and the research suggests that these apparent 'oddities' might have 'extraterrestrial tendencies'.

A spokesperson at a S.C.A.T.T.Y summit gave a small talk: 'it's quite simple. Those who worship straight lines aren't normal and we believe that they either have a wiring malfunction of the brain or they're an alien!'

This talk has been considered 'hugely insightful' by one half of the planet but the other half want to have these findings 'looked into'.

Sally Nut, the lead researcher insists that their research is valid: 'we asked twenty people who shop in Tescos what they thought. We have been REALLY thorough!'

People who don't drink tea 'could just be strange!'

CRAB (Community of Rubbish and Bullshit) have announced that people who don't like tea have 'mutated genes' and 'could be from another planet.'

The English Tea MD spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'tea is our national drink and those who don't like it are in danger of not being well.' 

A scientist from Oxford university, Doctor Leaf, can back up this claim, 

 'no one really knows this but millions of endorphins are released with each sip of tea. It is the single reason why people sigh after they've finished a good cuppa.'

However, other findings have 'worried' the nation: it's been estimated that 1 out of 20 people claim they don't like tea. And only 47% have actually tried it!  These are 'humiliating' findings according to the World Health Organisation. One health practitioner stated, 'you Brits have gone slack! Tea is the one drink you do well!'

Boris Johnson has been quick to defend the country's tea drinking traditions, 'we're not imbeciles, we will quickly deal with the country's growing disinterest in tea. It will be our number 1 policy.'

Control your Corgis, Ma'am!

Builders being interviewed at Buckingham Palace are 'terrified' of the Queen's Corgis.

Talks between the local builders and Buckingham palace regarding next year's renovations have gone into 'shut down' as the builders declare the queen's home 'unsafe'.

Pete Wailer, architect and Builder who built Wembley stadium, has reportedly 'refused' to enter the palace unless the Corgis are kept in kennels, 'when I walked in, three of them came galloping towards me. Not like a normal Corgi- those sort just waddle- this lot were on something! They knocked me down and wouldn't stop licking my face!' 

The queen refused to comment, although there are rumours that the builders will no longer have biscuits with their tea.

Meanwhile, the royal correspondent at the BBC was 'not surprised' by these reports. 'The queen loves her babies. They have a cup of tea in the morning- and often out of Philip's cup! They've been brought up thinking everyone wants a cuddle.'

The Buckingham Palace butler speaks less favourably of her majesty's Corgis, 'it's a disgrace!  Last month, one of them wanted to play hide and seek with my shoe. I told her off but then she ran away to the drawing room. I found her with just the shoe laces in her mouth. She'd eaten my shoe! I wear steel toe capped boots, now. I'd like to see her chew one of those!'