Dad who went to school claims he's an 'expert' in Education.

A dad in his 40s insists that the whole country MUST listen to him- he went to school and remembers what it was like. We can conclude that he MUST KNOW what he's talking about.  

He made a statement on live television: "I know how teachers teach.  I was taught many years ago.  I can still remember."

ANUT (Angry National Union of Teachers) has scathingly commented on this belief that just because you went to school it makes you an expert.  One union rep stated, "I went to my doctors surgery a lot as a kid. Does that make me a doctor?? Does it make me an expert in medicine?"

Meanwhile, the man's wife has defended his claim, "Dave's even made a Facebook page so he must know what he's doing. Although, he does keep forgetting that in his day teachers had chalk boards and a cane."

Nevertheless, the country's chief school inspector is "keenly interested" in what this "unconventional" expert has to say.  A spokesman for this chief inspector (Mr Ignoranze) said, "we are open to new suggestions to improve our Education system- several Education Secretaries haven't had a clue- so we always try and keep an open mind. We should now look at random people off the street and see them as a valuable resource."

Refusal to eat broccoli linked to 'leadership qualities'.

A specialist in broccoli consumption has carried out 'pioneering' research that could change the way we regard our 'fussy' eaters. 'If children don't eat a bit of green, so what? Our studies suggest that one day they might be Prime Minister.'

However, the British Operator Of Bulshit Statistics (BOOBS) condemns these findings. 'Anyone can be Prime Minister, these days!  All you got to do is repeat a few policies again and again. Say 'Hard Brexit', and say it loudly, and the public will love it!'

Meanwhile the World Health Organisation is 'concerned' about 'this disdain' towards vegetables. 'When did we suddenly decide that leadership potential was more important than vitamins? We promote green things for a reason!'

Also, uproar has arisen in the House of Commons, one notorious MP spoke exclusively to the Big Pickle News: 'How dare BOOBS say that anyone can be Prime Minister! It takes a lot of selfies with young people and lots of knocking on people's doors before you REALLY know you're capable of leading the country!'

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Mummy blogger 'goes bonkers' when she reads about her life online!

Mummy blogger goes bananas after reading about her life in her son's blog.

Yesterday, an appeal to the Supreme Court of Human Rights has been overturned when a mummy blogger tried to ban her son from writing about her in his blog. The mommy blogger is 'raging' about the verdict, 'my son lies about me. I don't drink buckets of Prosecco and I don't watch Jeremy Kyle!'

Meanwhile the son spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'mum lost it when I posted a picture of her in a onesie. She said it was the WRONG onesie!'

Other bloggers have 'openly confessed' that they have not considered how their ranting toddlers might grow up to be bloggers themselves. One blogger has been in contact with her solicitor to draw up papers to protect her from a possible lawsuit later on, 'I never thought that making up dramatised stories about my son's toilet habits would be a problem!'

However, middle-aged media experts believe that the ability to 'openly mock' your parents is 'alarming'. One has a thesis on the matter and believes 'teenagers who mock their parents could well be involved in fake news.'

SWEARING SANTA GETS THE SACK!

The Santa at Maldon's Grotto, in Essex, was given his 'marching orders' after swearing at children for taking the baubles off the Christmas tree. 

The man who can not be named (Mr S) was 'frustrated' that every child was 'fiddling' with the Christmas decorations. One of the elves stated, 'Mr S had asked the Grotto manager, several times, to install a rule where no one could touch the tinsel but the manager refused. So that was it. Every time anyone walked past the tree, Santa would twitch. The smaller the child the more pronounced the twitch.'

The hired cleaner also made a comment, 'it's such a shame but I don't know why Maldon Town employed a Santa who cares more about tree baubles than he does about the children. Even I wasn't allowed to touch the tree!'

One mother complained after her son was told that if he didn't let go of the bauble 'his (ducking) head was going to become a bauble!' She was quite 'depressed', 'Santa's not supposed to say those words! That would never have happened in my day!'

Mr S declined to comment but the Maldon Mayor made a statement, 'we don't condone this sort of language but we can understand the frustration of Mr S: we've had ten baubles, five bits of holly and 8 candy canes stolen in the last week. Children need to stop touching the Christmas tree. We don't worry about the tree falling over- we've stuck it down with blue-tac as we're VERY Health and Safety conscious- we just DON'T want our Santas going round the bend!'