Clairvoyant makes prediction: 'Brexit MIGHT NOT BE TOO BAD!'

Last night, a clairvoyant from Essex (the old ancient home of many witches) made an important prediction: "Britain MIGHT not become bankrupt after Brexit! Trade MIGHT go ahead, after all."

Many people- educated from the University of Life- 'scoffed' and 'berated' such a notion, 'Of course it'll be bad. Every newspaper agrees: we're all DOOMED!'

Meanwhile, a few tories 'really hope' that Teresa May- or Boris- can 'hash up' some sort of deal before Christmas. "Boris has the power to draw up a deal. Europe- particularly the Germans- take him VERY seriously."

Therefore, we should not be too morbid: even though movement across Europe, skilled workers in the uk and trade will be significantly reduced, holidays to Skegness, and Walton on the Naze will become extremely popular. Holidays will be alot easier- no one will need to eat any foreign food, they can have chips morning, noon and night!'

People who are rude and outspoken 'could have A.R.S.E gene.'

Across the UK, millions of obnoxious people may be carrying the A.R.S.E gene says new found research carried out by Men Of Sense, Excellence & Sight (MOSES). 

The study indicates that those people who push in the queue, swear at cuddly old ladies, fart in a lift or those who pinch things which are not their own could well be the A.R.S.E carrier. 

According to Cambridge University, some Cambridge students and M.O.S.E.S have secretly been pulling out strands of hair from the heads of certain politicians and have found some "interesting results". Mr Genie from the university spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: "some of the front benchers are carriers of the gene but, for legal reasons, we can not name them. Not yet!' 

Meanwhile, students at Oxford University have been "scathing" about the results and have questioned their "validity". One spokesmen for the university stated, "getting back DNA results can take a week. You can tell if someone carries the A.R.S.E gene in five minutes. Just spill their tea and watch their reaction: a 'oh never mind, dear,' is a definite NO CARRIER. Whereas, a response like 'You fu**er!' or 'where is your superior?' is a GUARANTEED CARRIER."

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People who don't drink tea 'could just be strange!'

CRAB (Community of Rubbish and Bullshit) have announced that people who don't like tea have 'mutated genes' and 'could be from another planet.'

The English Tea MD spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'tea is our national drink and those who don't like it are in danger of not being well.' 

A scientist from Oxford university, Doctor Leaf, can back up this claim, 

 'no one really knows this but millions of endorphins are released with each sip of tea. It is the single reason why people sigh after they've finished a good cuppa.'

However, other findings have 'worried' the nation: it's been estimated that 1 out of 20 people claim they don't like tea. And only 47% have actually tried it!  These are 'humiliating' findings according to the World Health Organisation. One health practitioner stated, 'you Brits have gone slack! Tea is the one drink you do well!'

Boris Johnson has been quick to defend the country's tea drinking traditions, 'we're not imbeciles, we will quickly deal with the country's growing disinterest in tea. It will be our number 1 policy.'

Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'

Santa has an ANGRY wish list.

Santa has posted HIS wish list on Instagram, and it has caused nervous outrage across the country. 

He asked parents to 'check' the sell by date of their mince pies, to clean their chimneys or else they'll receive his dry cleaning bill, and asked for the central heating to be put on low due to the 'inexpressible heat' that comes from wearing a five centimetre thick coat and a long beard. 

The list has sparked mixed reactions from celebrities and politicians.

'Santa hasn't thought this through,' tweeted Emma Bunton. 'He can be a bit thick- I left out a cuddly bunny for him, once. He wrote Thanks but I'm a vegetarian.'  

Another celebrity who was also quick to respond was Alan Carr. He tweeted, 'some people are never 'appy, are they? I mean, free booze and food at every house? What more could you want, working only one night in the year?'

Boris Johnson tweeted, 'poor old Santa. He better be careful about his drinking because that  sleigh is awfully big- I don't want him crashing it into my house!'

Meanwhile, Santa's chief elf has made an announcement on The Big Pickle News, 'Santa is a little bit sensitive at the moment, particularly as some of the elves posted a picture of him from last Christmas Eve where he got stuck up the chimney and had to shout for help. Please be patient with him.'

May wants a Boris Johnson Looky Likey to meet with EU trade officials.

The government is asking Boris Johnson Looky Likeys to come forward and apply for a job where they impersonate Boris Johnson in order to make successful trade deals with the EU.

The Looky Likey will undergo a number of tests including hair styling, hand gestures and voice tones. A BBC political correspondent said, 'it has to be just right if we are going to convince Europe that the pretend Boris is ACTUALLY Boris.' 

The plan comes as a result of the 'heated' conversation Boris had with an Italian minister which turned into a 'spat' over whether the UK could access the single market. Johnson reportedly 'wagged his finger' while threatening that Prosecco sales would drop; and the Italian minister responded by blowing raspberries and crying out that he hates fish and chips.

Theresa May has been 'concerned' with a number of Boris' meetings and 'feels strongly' that a Looky Likey would do a better job of keeping EU officials on side. 

A source close to Boris claims that Boris is 'unfazed' by this government intiative,  'Boris is convinced that no one can impersonate him. After all, how is ANYONE going to master that Eton accent?'