Woman who 'couldn't give a toss' about Christmas is suspected of being extraterrestrial!

Last night, a woman stated on Facebook that she 'couldn't give a toss about Christmas' and it sent the festive world into a spin! There's been outrage on social media and many people have had their 'Elf on the Shelf' brandishing a Pitchfork in protest. 

A Christmas expert who specialises in 'festive cheer' reported that it was 'very unusual' to be so dismissive of Christmas at this time of year. 'The woman has displayed almost psychopath tendencies.  We need to check out her DNA because something isn't right! I mean, who doesn't like Christmas? If one is not moved by Wizard's I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY! then one must assume the person is suffering from seasonal flu!'

The woman, who can not be named for legal reasons, is still insisting that she said the right thing, 'Christmas is too commercialised. Elves and gaudy trees have taken over my Facebook timeline- I liked it better when it was babies and Prosecco!'

A thirty-one-year-old woman, who insists that Santa is 'alive', reacted to the woman's rant on Facebook, 'there's just no need for comments like that! I pity her, poor woman! Once she starts believing in Santa, again, she'll feel MUCH BETTER!'

Elf might be done for THEFT!

A father of four has accused the family's elf of stealing his XBox.  The video game console was last seen on Wednesday 7th December, at one in the morning, just before he went to bed.

The man insists it was Eddie (their new elf), 'I knew he would steal my Xbox, I caught him eyeing it up when I was playing it.  I reckon Santa's gonna be cross- the Xbox is the only thing that helps me relax!'

Last night, there were reports of 'shouts' and 'wails' coming from the garage. The man's wife stated, 'he went mad. He made a last ditch attempt to check the garage but when he realised the Xbox wasn't there he ran back into the house and started yelling at Eddie. But Eddie stayed calm. He didn't move a muscle!'

Today, The Big Pickle News managed to get an exclusive chat with one of the children and the nan. Both made claims that it 'might have been' someone else who stole the Xbox. The girl made this statement, 'we reckon Mum stole it. One day, dad didn't even put his dirty socks in the wash basket. And THAT, mum said, was the last straw!'

Elf in 'poor health' due to long working hours.

'Elf on the Shelf', the Elf recruitment agency, has complained of 'unfair' working conditions that their elves are increasingly operating under. The Trade unions, such as Candy Care and Santa's Specials, have been drawing up new contract guidelines which may well lead to strikes if they are not adhered to by Santas Inc (the institution which employs these elf actors).

One elf who's been in the business for twenty years is 'exhausted' by the work pace which elves are now subjected to, 'it was so easy to begin with, back in the day. Big people respected every position you took up and were excited if you just moved along the shelf! Now, they whine if you're not throwing the loo roll about!'

One young elf was almost thrown out of the house for 'being boring'. He reports exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'these 24 hour shifts are exhausting!  How can I be original on zero hours sleep? I learnt CLASSICAL acting at drama school, not this silly pose rubbish.'

Santas Inc have refused to comment, although they're currently meeting with Candy Care to discuss ways forward.

Meanwhile, Santa is 'shocked' and 'dismayed', and has reportedly doubled the bonus of every demoralised elf.