Those who hate Christmas songs 'have a high I.Q', says boring expert.

If you like Christmas songs then you have a 'cell shortage' in the brain, claims one expert who has studied Christmas cheer for more than a decade. Mr Funsponge made his announcement, today, ahead of the festive period: 'if you have lots of electrons firing in the brain it can resist Christmas songs and all their fuzziness. If you don't have many electrons, your brain will give in; it will start to find Christmas fun!'


The World Health Organisation insists that it's all 'make believe'. One medical expert spoke to our news team: 'if you don't like Christmas songs you're a grumpy old git!'

According to papers published by various health officials- 'heavy weights' in the medical community- Christmas songs release 'fuzziness' into your stomach which is released into your blood stream. One official believes 'it creates new happiness- new brain cells are bound to follow!'

However, many consider these findings 'utter nonsense!' Mr Funsponge insists no happiness can come from listening to a jolly song, 'even Elton John can't make me smile!' he said.

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A stress-free Christmas? Not on your Nellie!

Research gathered across the UK has revealed 88% of the British population want a 'stress free' Christmas, this year, but Christmas scientist tells us, 'you're better off betting on a white Christmas!'

Mr Stock-King has spent 30 years trying to find the perfect Christmas but in his academic paper his end statement was one word- 'bollocks!'

He went on, 'there are too many variables which can ruin a perfect Christmas: Turkeys can refuse to cook, presents can be hand-made and you can't take them back, 'Home Alone' can only be on ONCE, tight trousers can leave welt marks- the list is ENDLESS!'

Arthur Eczema (leading researcher in seasonal emotions) agreed, 'no amount of meditation can make you like Brussel Sprouts! No amount of yoga can make you get out of this one! Christmas might well suck but, just remember, there's always Morecambe and Wise! Who doesn't like a repeat?
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Britain 'shocked' by moderate Cold Snap.

Britain has been 'shocked' by temperatures which are the 'expected average' for this time of year. Thousands have taken to social media to express their utter surprise at having to wear their winter coats in December. One astonished woman wrote, 'It's cold out there!'

However, our obsession with weather which is 'normal' for this time of year isn't new. 'If you walk down any high street you will see the British people at their best,' states a Professor from Oxford University who specialises in B.O (British Oddities). 'They will continually repeat the same phrases. These are, in no particular order:
'Ooooh, it's bitter!'
'It's definitely Winter.'
'We might have snow!'

According to research carried out over the last fifty years, these phrases have never changed. The only phrase which is no longer in use is...'have we got enough fire wood?'

If you are affected by this seasonal 'shock and bewilderment' which seems to affect more than half of Britons each year then The Big Pickle News can offer the following advice:

1) Put the kettle on.
2) If tea alone doesn't calm your nerves, have a biscuit- not a Rich Tea- a proper biscuit.
3) Get your coat on.
4) Think about the number of extra calories you are burning in this cold. Then think of the extra biscuits you can have.

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Those who don't like cats 'might not be fully human'.

People who don't like cats could well have 'mutated dog genes' states unknown scientist from Walsall University.

According to CATPO (Cats and the People Obviously) there has been 'ground breaking' research uncovered which explains why some people love cats and why some people hate dogs.

It reveals that you can tell those who love cats by their appearance, 'although these people are 100% human, many of them are women who display several whiskers and have rather pointy teeth,' says Dorothy from CATPO who, we noticed, had rather pointy ears.

The W.I have called out on this one, 'verbally swiping' at this claim: 'this is nonsense. Any woman can have whiskers. Ladies, we should wear our facial hair with pride. It's all about gender equality. Beards aren't just for men!'

One woman from Devon has gone on live radio to dismiss the claim made by CATPO and Walsall University: 'what about people who love cats AND dogs?'

A representative deep in the heart of CATPO spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: someone who likes both dogs and cats is rare! We can't include such variables- it would muck up our results too much!'

Obsessively counting your steps is a sure sign you 'suck' at Maths.

Extensive research into the type of customer who buys a fitbit has revealed that those who can't stop counting steps 'struggle' with basic addition.

Tracy, from Canvey, has always struggled with her counting since she was a 'wee nipper'. 'I always struggled with counting then I realised why- one day it dawned on me- that I only had nine toes when everyone else had ten! In Canvey, A LOT of people only have nine toes.

Meanwhile, a fitness specialist from Loughborough university, Doctor Ports, has made a public statement: 'Fit bits mean anyone can keep fit- even those who eat burgers all day can still claim to be a bit fit! Why knock it?'

The World Health Organisation has insisted that one should not 'give a rat's FAT arse' about what the critics say, 'counting your steps means people have GREAT maths skills. Counting to ten thousand is quite an achievement!'

Those who like Brussel sprouts have 'damaged taste buds'.

Those who like Brussel sprouts are no longer categorised as 'strange'- they actually have 'mutated taste buds' says vegetable specialist, Dave Broom. He spoke exclusively to our news team: 'Brussel sprouts are grown using damaged or rotten cabbage seeds and so those who think sprouts are tasty MUST have had a taste bud trauma!'

According to The Wide World Health Organisation, taste bud trauma can happen at 'any time' when something is 'so badly cooked' our taste buds become so distressed they shrivel up and die. With less taste buds, you taste less, and horrible things can then taste good. One specialist observed, 'you could eat mud and think you were eating chocolate roulade.'

Meanwhile, tongue surgeon Olivia Grey referred to these findings as 'absurd' because 'people who don't like sprouts are just wimps! Real people just put up and shut up!'

The Tupperware conspiracy theory IS true: the little lids DO hide from you!

Research carried out in millions of homes across the UK has made a phenomenal discovery: Tupperware and their lids have 'micro little legs and can walk and climb out of the house!'

Lead researcher, Mr Tubby, has studied Tupperware sets over the course of 3 years. He spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'lids of all shapes and sizes make a run for it as soon as the lights go out! Many go out through the cat flap, or a window, never to be seen again!'

The Tupperware factories have called the discovery 'absurd' and stated that if people were able to put their Tupperware lids 'in one place' then they would know where to find them.

Meanwhile, in Dorset, according to Dave Pinktin, all the disappearing lids are blamed on him, 'every bloody time!' And he can state, quite honestly, that he has no idea 'where the f*ck the lid is!'

Over 50% of us will suffer from Festive 'Grinch Rage', this year.

According to a study carried out by North Pole Elves, over half of us have suffered from 'uncontrollable rage' whenever we have seen Christmas 'paraphernalia' on the shop shelves, because 'it's too soon', and 'not bloody Christmas, yet!'

Symptoms of Grinch Rage can include a burning sensation under your skin (due to your blood pressure reaching boiling point), steam emitting from one's nostrils, spit flying everywhere and your eyesight being distorted by a red mist!

Nora Battie from Chelmsford says that every time she goes into Sainsbury's she has an 'uncontrollable twitch' because all she can see is advent calendars and mince pies. Yesterday, she punched a till worker because he asked if she'd 'possibly' seen the Christmas jumpers.

Dave Poorgit spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'the customer looked a bit red so I took pity on her- thought she might be going through one of those menopausal hot flushes- so I was just trying to make conversation about Chistmas.
I now need to see the dentist. URGENTLY!

Meanwhile, The World Health Organisation is 'frantically' trying to find a non drug type sedative for Grinch Rage so that shop workers can 'remain safe'. 

50% of those who put on weight 'blame it on the tumbledrier!'

According to F.F.S (Fat Fighters Society) many people who put on weight 'go into denial' and forget that the packet of Hobnobs which they 'hoover up' every evening contains those 'anti-skinny' ingredients called calories.

It's called S.A.D (Sugar abnormality Denial) where someone will gorge on sugary foods but will not see or admit what they're doing. 'It's a real problem' says Dr Spoon from Leeds university, 'until people can face up to S.A.D nothing will change. IT IS NOT the tumble drier's fault!'

'It's true,' said Jane Gotitright, from Primark in Chelmsford, who has a degree in S.A.D: 'People who are suffer from S.A.D might order a Full English but genuinely believe they've ordered something healthy like cabbage soup. It can cause real problems.'

Those who like straight lines 'could be from another planet!'

An organisation called S.C.A.T.T.Y (Severely Clumsy And Totally Talented Youngsters) has carried out a study into why some people like straight lines and the research suggests that these apparent 'oddities' might have 'extraterrestrial tendencies'.

A spokesperson at a S.C.A.T.T.Y summit gave a small talk: 'it's quite simple. Those who worship straight lines aren't normal and we believe that they either have a wiring malfunction of the brain or they're an alien!'

This talk has been considered 'hugely insightful' by one half of the planet but the other half want to have these findings 'looked into'.

Sally Nut, the lead researcher insists that their research is valid: 'we asked twenty people who shop in Tescos what they thought. We have been REALLY thorough!'

Man 'grapples' with the idea that he MIGHT NOT be right!

A man in his early forties has lost his ability to speak and can only "grunt" after a female colleague proved him wrong.

Neil Arrowgrance is now "struggling" with his pride as he's been proven to be an incorrect speller. Daisy Hegworth witnessed "the moment" at Essex County Council Headquarters. "Someone pointed out how to spell 'necessary'. Neil insisted they were wrong. Neil then looked it up on google, and then he couldn't utter a word."

Meanwhile our news team spoke to Keith Wright, expert in Self-Righteous Syndrome (the belief that one is ALWAYS in the right), who confirms that the effects of someone with SRS being proved wrong can include: "vomiting", "making attempts to eat one's hat" and "shaking".

A spokesperson from HR at Essex County Council is currently dealing with the matter: Miss Patchdit reports that "it is very difficult to help staff to overcome these problems. Mr Arrowgance is still trawling through every dictionary online- just to make sure he isn't right."

Cases of 'giddiness' and 'euphoria' seen in millions of parents as August comes to a close.

Across the UK, the Richter scale has reported regular tremors this week as millions of parents are 'jumping', 'skipping' and 'performing little dances' as the school holidays draws to a close.

A mum from Essex reports that her blood pressure has decreased, bit by bit, since the 20th August, 'we're at the point where I know I haven't got long to go! I can imagine a crumb free lounge and a hot cup of tea!'

Although for some parents it can be a very traumatic time.

TUMS (Traumatised & Upset Mothers) see an increase in online registrations each year: 'mums who watch their child go through the school gate for the very first time have it tough: they have to find out what phonics are, some go into panic mode thinking they can't remember the alphabet! Others hate the fact that they can now go shopping in peace and quiet. It's a traumatising time!'

Meanwhile, the W.I has made a public statement in response to tremors caused by overexcited parents: 'Mothers, get a grip! All this dancing is bad for your crockery; and TUMS Mums, for heavens sake, just learn how to bake!'

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Woman who eats sawdust and mud 'delights' in her dramatic weight loss.

Audrey Fick claims to have lost 'five stone' through her sawdust and mud diet: 'I've tried other diets but they don't seem to work- they make you eat 'real food'. I had to come up with my own plan. The trick is to eat empty calories!'

Health expert Mr Cake is 'unsure' about Mrs Fick's diet plan.  He referred to it as 'barbaric' and 'unbecoming!' 'No woman should be allowed to eat mud!' 

The World's Health Organisation explains that 'although sawdust and mud can provide empty calories, they can also cause stomach ulcers and intestine blockages.'

Meanwhile, Mrs Fick has several thousand Facebook and Twitter followers who 'swear by' her diet plan.  Mrs Fick insists that it works even though, last night, Mr Fick (her husband) went into hospital to have his stomach pumped from all the toxins in his diet. He spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News and is still fully behind the diet: 'tasty and nutricious dishes can be made from sawdust and mud- I had sawdust and worm crumble, the other day. The worms eat all the calories!'

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Woman has 'break down' after a long battle with Blue tac on the wall.

Sharon Davies, an office worker in Islington, was 'screaming' and throwing the staple gun at the wall yesterday afternoon. We caught her as she was being frogmarched out of the building by security: 'I can't stand it anymore. The friggin Blue tac won't come off the wall!'

Blue tac has become the number one 'pet hate' in the office: it takes several whole minutes to scrape off from the wall and then you find hundreds of other bits!   According to one study, 40% of office workers experience dizzy spells and blood pressure that reaches 'boiling point' when they are faced with a wall covered in Blue tac.

However, office worker enthusiast (David Mtchelle) believes that there are bigger 'more important' office grievances to discuss: 'this study has clearly forgotten how people hate the office swot, how they despise that lazy boss and how finding the biscuit barrel empty can really drive you mad.'

An expert in Blue tac (a Blue-tacian) has some valuable comments about the matter: 'Blue tac feels that it is now defunct, so when it DOES get used it doesn't want to let go of the wall. To ease it off, just talk to it.'

Research suggests that before the digital age, Blue tac was needed: it secured displays, it stuck profit margin sheets to a white board and it could even stick your heel to your shoe in an emergency. 

Not noticing a new hair cut is the main reason why your wife wants to punch you, a new study has revealed.

According to a study at Nottingham University, 10,000 men across the country, every ten minutes, are each wondering what they said to put their wife 'in a strop'. A relationship expert from Nottingham University, Mr Big, believes that a women's haircut acts as 'her peacock feathers.' So, he states, 'if she changes her feathers she wants her mate to notice her new feathers.'

Indeed, David Lame from London discovered the 'consequences' of not admiring his wife's new haircut, 'in the middle of the night, my wife dyed my hair orange.' 

It has been reported that Mrs Lame woke her husband up and 'shoved a mirror in his face.'  Mr Lame also said, 'she left me looking like an orange lolly pop. I almost lost my job at the Funeral Directors!'

Meanwhile, W.H.A.T (Women's Hair and Tresses) is not 'surprised' by this woman's reaction to her husband's lack of interest in her hair: 'do you know how much highlights cost, these days? Her husband could have said the the new colour matched her eyes!'

When we went back to Mr Lame, he was busy at Boots looking closely at 'Just For Men' hair dye and had no further comment to make. 

Cats pooing on your front lawn is number one reason why neighbours come to blows.

According to K.N.O.B.S (Keeping Neighbours Of Britain Safe) cat poo on your front lawn is the 'most likely' reason why neighbours come to blows. 

An expert in Neighbourly Harmony believes  that it is due to the 'revolting' smell of cat poo which makes a person's blood 'literally boil' when they spot a cat turd.

An expert in all things 'cat' , Doctor Mog, admits that it's the sheer 'belligerence' of cats which can really get up people's noses! One house owner, who can not be named for legal reasons, spoke to our news team: 'I almost drove into my front window when I spotted next door's cat doing its business just outside my front door!'

The study also revealed other 'bones' of contention between neighbours. Some of them included: parking in the wrong space, not offering to put the bins out, teenagers playing music out of an open window, talking too long while you're supposed to be mowing the lawn, not talking enough when you both get into your car to go to work in the morning and allowing the smell of bacon to waft down your street.  All of the above were amongst many reasons why some neighbours just don't get on.

Mr Brown (the spokesman for Neighbourly Harmony) insists that the key to neighbourly friendship is 'to control your cat.'

People who are rude and outspoken 'could have A.R.S.E gene.'

Across the UK, millions of obnoxious people may be carrying the A.R.S.E gene says new found research carried out by Men Of Sense, Excellence & Sight (MOSES). 

The study indicates that those people who push in the queue, swear at cuddly old ladies, fart in a lift or those who pinch things which are not their own could well be the A.R.S.E carrier. 

According to Cambridge University, some Cambridge students and M.O.S.E.S have secretly been pulling out strands of hair from the heads of certain politicians and have found some "interesting results". Mr Genie from the university spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: "some of the front benchers are carriers of the gene but, for legal reasons, we can not name them. Not yet!' 

Meanwhile, students at Oxford University have been "scathing" about the results and have questioned their "validity". One spokesmen for the university stated, "getting back DNA results can take a week. You can tell if someone carries the A.R.S.E gene in five minutes. Just spill their tea and watch their reaction: a 'oh never mind, dear,' is a definite NO CARRIER. Whereas, a response like 'You fu**er!' or 'where is your superior?' is a GUARANTEED CARRIER."

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Those who rarely talk about the weather 'might not be British' according to new study.

A study carried out by students at Oxford University has discovered a 'worrying trend'. The report states that 'more and more people are showing disinterest in the weather. This can only mean one thing: there are people with a British passport who aren't really British!'

The Prime Minister has even made a public statement, 'these are truly worrying results. I even question my husband's nationality, sometimes.  I can't remember the last time he moaned about the weather.'

Meanwhile B.O (British Only) insists that speaking about the weather should not be the only criteria used to assess 'one's Britishness'. Mr Brown the founder of the society spoke exclusively to our news team: 'we have to realise that there are plenty of traits which contribute towards a person's BRITISHNESS. It's not just living here for several years, or being born here, a person must drink at least five cups of tea per day, enjoy a good queue, be nervous about making a complaint and be totally inactive for at least ten minutes when faced with a crisis.'

Fat people 'fed up' of thin people saying they can't put on weight.

Millions of people across the UK who are 'sickeningly slim' are irritating their friends and colleagues by complaining that they 'simply can't put on weight!'

It is causing quite a stir amongst those who are 'horizontally challenged'. One lady who runs Weight Watchers complains that this is the number one problem her clients face, 'we are fed up with whiney thin people. Be a stick and be grateful about it!'

A skin specialist from Loughborough University says he understands a thin person's angst. Mr Thick spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'thin people can have a tendency to be moody as they are shocked that they are the LUCKY ONES and then spend the rest of their lives worried that they might, in fact, become fat.' 

S.L.U.T (Slim Ladies, Uppity and Tense) spoke out publicly about this claim, 'this is nonsense. We should be able to say what we like without being criticised for it. Slim people have it hard.'

Where's Wally who celebrated his 60th birthday this year says he knows 'how hard it is being slim':  'I've applied to be Santa several times in the last few years but every year they say no. I'm not fat enough. And to be jolly you need to be fat, apparently.'

Employee disciplined for having the 'audacity' to take 3 biscuits from the biscuit tin.

Today, Simon Wasfit has been in court charged with biscuit robbery. The office manager made a statement to our news team: 'we only allow employees to have two biscuits a day. Even in the holidays! So, from now on, we're going to padlock our steel biscuit tin.'

The 'surprisingly thin' man was caught 'stuffing his face' by the cleaner who spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'you should have seen all the crumbs he was making. I kept telling him to use a plate, but would he listen?'

Meanwhile, Simon's wife has been forced to make a statement at Chelmsford crown court: 'Simon has always insisted that he's got some allergy to manufactured tin and steel, says that's why he can never go near the kitchen. Well, we now know that's bulsh*t. Knowing that he's lied to me all along really takes the biscuit!'

A relationship expert claims that some men will say 'all number of lies' to get out of the household chores.

Meanwhile, Mr Wasfit has made a public apology on live television, 'I know that lying about allergies can have serious consequences- my wife tried to strangle me last night. I have learnt my lesson about marriage and biscuits.' 

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'Wasps really are out to get you!' states expert in Insectology.

Research carried out with 23 million wasps has confirmed the public's 'greatest fears': wasps really are vindictive ba**ards!

Mr Beenicks- lead practitioner in KOBS (keeping our bees safe)- has done extensive research into this area: 'wasps will see a human and immediately their angry 'vitals' start to rise. They see a human and want to kill it!'

One man in his twenties has witnessed this behaviour: 'I was minding my own business, eating my 99 Flake when two wasps landed on MY ice cream! I tried to flick them off but they stung me. They need to be taught not to steal other people's food.'

A wasp specialist found this 'amusing' and made a statement on live TV: 'some people need to be taught basic common sense!' However, Mr Bigsting has received a huge backlash on Twitter with some users calling him 'insensitive' and a 'wasp w*nker'. 

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Dad who went to school claims he's an 'expert' in Education.

A dad in his 40s insists that the whole country MUST listen to him- he went to school and remembers what it was like. We can conclude that he MUST KNOW what he's talking about.  

He made a statement on live television: "I know how teachers teach.  I was taught many years ago.  I can still remember."

ANUT (Angry National Union of Teachers) has scathingly commented on this belief that just because you went to school it makes you an expert.  One union rep stated, "I went to my doctors surgery a lot as a kid. Does that make me a doctor?? Does it make me an expert in medicine?"

Meanwhile, the man's wife has defended his claim, "Dave's even made a Facebook page so he must know what he's doing. Although, he does keep forgetting that in his day teachers had chalk boards and a cane."

Nevertheless, the country's chief school inspector is "keenly interested" in what this "unconventional" expert has to say.  A spokesman for this chief inspector (Mr Ignoranze) said, "we are open to new suggestions to improve our Education system- several Education Secretaries haven't had a clue- so we always try and keep an open mind. We should now look at random people off the street and see them as a valuable resource."

Refusal to eat broccoli linked to 'leadership qualities'.

A specialist in broccoli consumption has carried out 'pioneering' research that could change the way we regard our 'fussy' eaters. 'If children don't eat a bit of green, so what? Our studies suggest that one day they might be Prime Minister.'

However, the British Operator Of Bulshit Statistics (BOOBS) condemns these findings. 'Anyone can be Prime Minister, these days!  All you got to do is repeat a few policies again and again. Say 'Hard Brexit', and say it loudly, and the public will love it!'

Meanwhile the World Health Organisation is 'concerned' about 'this disdain' towards vegetables. 'When did we suddenly decide that leadership potential was more important than vitamins? We promote green things for a reason!'

Also, uproar has arisen in the House of Commons, one notorious MP spoke exclusively to the Big Pickle News: 'How dare BOOBS say that anyone can be Prime Minister! It takes a lot of selfies with young people and lots of knocking on people's doors before you REALLY know you're capable of leading the country!'

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People who don't drink tea 'could just be strange!'

CRAB (Community of Rubbish and Bullshit) have announced that people who don't like tea have 'mutated genes' and 'could be from another planet.'

The English Tea MD spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'tea is our national drink and those who don't like it are in danger of not being well.' 

A scientist from Oxford university, Doctor Leaf, can back up this claim, 

 'no one really knows this but millions of endorphins are released with each sip of tea. It is the single reason why people sigh after they've finished a good cuppa.'

However, other findings have 'worried' the nation: it's been estimated that 1 out of 20 people claim they don't like tea. And only 47% have actually tried it!  These are 'humiliating' findings according to the World Health Organisation. One health practitioner stated, 'you Brits have gone slack! Tea is the one drink you do well!'

Boris Johnson has been quick to defend the country's tea drinking traditions, 'we're not imbeciles, we will quickly deal with the country's growing disinterest in tea. It will be our number 1 policy.'

Shocking report reveals that men DO believe in the Bin Fairy.

Today, a damning report has surfaced which claims over 90% of men believe in the bin fairy- that every bin in the house is somehow emptied by a 'small magical flying creature'.

Millions of women across the UK have collectively rolled their eyes in response to this report. One representative of the Women's Institute commented, 'mothers of the previous generation have spoilt their boys. So now men think fairies do household chores!'

An expert in the field 'worryingly' overheard two men talking in the pub. 'I almost choked on my drink when I overheard them discussing their magic dishwashers!'

Meanwhile, several men have 'hit back' insisting that 'it wasn't their fault!'. Others are 'adamant' that the bin fairy DOES exist. One man insists,  'I have never seen my wife take the bins out. Ever!'

BIG SHOCKER: Teachers ONLY stay in the job because of the holidays!

'Devastating' report suggests the worst scenario: teachers LOVE their time off!  

Plus, statistics and questionnaires carried out across the country point to the same conclusion:  all that every teacher thinks about is August!

One Head Teacher from Essex 'could not see this coming' as he expressed his disappointment about the findings. 'Teachers should live and breathe their job- you're not a real teacher unless you mark in your sleep and read the TES.' Unfortunately, the Head teacher could not speak any further as he'd been 'forced' to teach French and Maths, 'I just can't get the staff,' he admitted.

Other Head Teachers have refused to comment but OFSTED have spoken exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'we need more rigorous assessment of our teachers. A lie detector will be introduced where we test a teacher's dedication- a REAL teacher works every single day of their holidays!'

Meanwhile, there have been several jokes and memes being shared on social media and some NUT and NASUWT reps have been spotted in A & E having split their sides from 'uncontrollable' laughter. 

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Woman who eats 1000g of Dairy Milk is 'adamant' that her diet starts tomorrow.

Sarah Biggs, an unfortunate mother of several 'lively' children, insists that she IS on a diet but eating 1000g of Dairy Milk is her 'only way' to get some peace.

She was spotted 'inhaling' the chocolate in the South Woodham Ferrers ASDA while her children sat in the Peppa Pig rocket. One till worker spoke up, 'she just scoffed the whole lot!'

Moments later, one onlooker rushed over to the mother as she spotted that the mother's eyelids had started to flicker, 'I almost began CPR but then she shouted at me.' The lady then told us a 'milder' version- 'Get the Fuck off me Fucking chocolate!' 

One expert in the field of chocolate addiction described what happened to Sarah Biggs as 'going into a chocolate coma'. He warned 'too much chocolate can send the brain into overdrive. This is where the brain starts changing our vision and everything we see turns into a chocolate bar.'

Sarah Biggs has been 'warned' about the consequences of 'inhaling' chocolate. However she insists that her diet is still on, 'I'm gonna start tomorrow.'

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Gullible woman does cartwheels to make herself look young.

A woman is suffering from a double fracture to both wrists after she tried to do a triple cartwheel in her local park, today.

Kathryn Player (a mother who displays certain 'wally traits') has done extensive research into the benefits of cartwheeling in an attempt to make herself look more youthful. However, according to her mother it hasn't worked, 'it's a damn shame! She still looks her age.'

It was a post on Mumsnet that recommended this 'deluded' woman to perform three cartwheels a day. Kathryn spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'I hadn't done a cartwheel since 1989. I thought it would be like riding a bike.'

However, onlookers who witnessed the cartwheels have been 'traumatised' by what they saw. One elderly gentlemen told us, 'it was monstrous- legs were flying everywhere! And I think it's a disgrace to all those professional cart wheelers.'

The association of respectful cartwheelers (ARC) has made a statement: 'no one should perform a cartwheel unless they have our expressed permission to do so.'

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Mummy blogger 'goes bonkers' when she reads about her life online!

Mummy blogger goes bananas after reading about her life in her son's blog.

Yesterday, an appeal to the Supreme Court of Human Rights has been overturned when a mummy blogger tried to ban her son from writing about her in his blog. The mommy blogger is 'raging' about the verdict, 'my son lies about me. I don't drink buckets of Prosecco and I don't watch Jeremy Kyle!'

Meanwhile the son spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'mum lost it when I posted a picture of her in a onesie. She said it was the WRONG onesie!'

Other bloggers have 'openly confessed' that they have not considered how their ranting toddlers might grow up to be bloggers themselves. One blogger has been in contact with her solicitor to draw up papers to protect her from a possible lawsuit later on, 'I never thought that making up dramatised stories about my son's toilet habits would be a problem!'

However, middle-aged media experts believe that the ability to 'openly mock' your parents is 'alarming'. One has a thesis on the matter and believes 'teenagers who mock their parents could well be involved in fake news.'

Till girl who presses faulty button 'thousands of times' burns a hole in her thumb.

Yesterday, a 'frustrated' and 'angry' till girl working in Aldi, in Benfleet, (Essex) pressed the cancel button on the countertop card machine 'so many times' that onlookers started screaming when smoke was coming from her thumb. 

An Aldi customer who witnessed what experts call 'Till Rage' spoke of her ordeal, 'it was ridiculous. She put my card in the machine and then huffed and puffed while shouting to her neighbour on the till behind her. 

Another witness stated, 'she just kept pressing the cancel button again and again, and again!! I've seen till girls look angry like that before- I took a step back!'

An elderly customer also spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'I told the girl to stop, told her you gotta let the machine have time to process what you want it to do. Well, she could have burned me eyeballs with the look she gave me!'

Aldi have declined to comment but have added, 'it is not in our policy to start screaming at card machines. There will be a full investigation in the matter.'

Follow the antics of  The Big Pickle News.

Mother's sanity 'questionable' after she is caught watching Children's TV!

Sanity of mother 'questionable' after she was caught watching 'Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom' WITHOUT her children. 

A mother of two from Chelsea is currently 'undergoing tests' after she was caught 'with her feet up' in the middle of the day, watching the Children's TV programme while her children were at preschool.

The woman who can not be named for legal reasons 'insists' there is nothing wrong with her, 'I don't normally watch it. But Nanny Plum makes me laugh. I'm sure she fancies the Wise Old Elf!'

Meanwhile, the husband and father of two, who wishes to keep his anonymity, spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'her day off is supposed to be for doing the shopping- not relaxing!' This statement received scathing comments on Mumsnet who believe anyone's 'sanity' would 'be'put to the test' with such a 'male pig'.

A psychiatrist from Oxford university states that this is 'extremely common'. He reported that 'mums often watch TV programmes with their children and then get locked in by the luminous pink.' 

Another expert added, 'I've seen women with an IQ of a 160 laugh raucously during a Peppa Pig episode. The effects of all that colour is quite extraordinary.'

Dangerous grammar snobs are on the loose!

There's been a number of grammar snob 'sightings' at various locations in the UK.

The CEO of Facebook gave a clear warning last night. 'On a Facebook timeline near you, a grammar snob is lurking. Waiting.  He/She could be hiding behind a YouTube video or Huffington Post ad. NOONE is safe, they get you when you're most vulnerable.'

According to the BBC Watchdog, a grammar snob, 'may use a mug with grammar teachings on the side, they almost NEVER use abbreviations like OMG and are quite often boring and strict teachers.'

However, the Royal Society Of Good English Grammar 'objects' to the criminalisation of good grammar usage, 'why shouldn't we use the Queen's English correctly? We should not assume that everyone wants to embrace the world of LOL and BFF!'

A representative of the Facebook media team informed the public that they would 'endeavour' to erase all false grammar news as it was 'concerned' that some grammar snobs were giving incorrect information about how to use an apostrophe.

THE BIG SHOCKER- students do 'bugger all' at University.

A report compiled by the inspection company GOTCHA suggests that university students drink and waste their money on booze, clothes and a nose job- and use their parents money to do it!

The organisation STUDENT HANGOVER compiled a questionnaire which asked students how they wasted (spent) their money and the results were 'extremely worrying'.  One student spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'it's right. I do spend my money on ridiculously expensive clothes and makeup so that I can get the pout just right for Instagram. It takes a lot of time to get the colour and lighting set up. Lectures and Seminars just get in the way!'

The results were 'devastating' according to Boris who claims that they 'can't be true'.  Boris was kind enough to stop and speak with us, 'these results can't be correct. I'M the biggest time waster, I can't have these youngsters taking over my mantel. The British public have put a lot of faith in me and I certainly can't let them down!'

The Foreign Secretary has asked  STUDENT HANGOVER to review their results.

Meanwhile, more students will be asked to fill out the questionnaire in order to get a more accurate result, although many students have refused to do so as they are 'far too busy' taking several hundred selfies.