Woman who eats sawdust and mud 'delights' in her dramatic weight loss.

Audrey Fick claims to have lost 'five stone' through her sawdust and mud diet: 'I've tried other diets but they don't seem to work- they make you eat 'real food'. I had to come up with my own plan. The trick is to eat empty calories!'

Health expert Mr Cake is 'unsure' about Mrs Fick's diet plan.  He referred to it as 'barbaric' and 'unbecoming!' 'No woman should be allowed to eat mud!' 

The World's Health Organisation explains that 'although sawdust and mud can provide empty calories, they can also cause stomach ulcers and intestine blockages.'

Meanwhile, Mrs Fick has several thousand Facebook and Twitter followers who 'swear by' her diet plan.  Mrs Fick insists that it works even though, last night, Mr Fick (her husband) went into hospital to have his stomach pumped from all the toxins in his diet. He spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News and is still fully behind the diet: 'tasty and nutricious dishes can be made from sawdust and mud- I had sawdust and worm crumble, the other day. The worms eat all the calories!'

For more of this satirical nonsense, follow The Big Pickle News on Facebook.

Fat people 'fed up' of thin people saying they can't put on weight.

Millions of people across the UK who are 'sickeningly slim' are irritating their friends and colleagues by complaining that they 'simply can't put on weight!'

It is causing quite a stir amongst those who are 'horizontally challenged'. One lady who runs Weight Watchers complains that this is the number one problem her clients face, 'we are fed up with whiney thin people. Be a stick and be grateful about it!'

A skin specialist from Loughborough University says he understands a thin person's angst. Mr Thick spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'thin people can have a tendency to be moody as they are shocked that they are the LUCKY ONES and then spend the rest of their lives worried that they might, in fact, become fat.' 

S.L.U.T (Slim Ladies, Uppity and Tense) spoke out publicly about this claim, 'this is nonsense. We should be able to say what we like without being criticised for it. Slim people have it hard.'

Where's Wally who celebrated his 60th birthday this year says he knows 'how hard it is being slim':  'I've applied to be Santa several times in the last few years but every year they say no. I'm not fat enough. And to be jolly you need to be fat, apparently.'