'Fat people are in my gym!' says human stick insect!

Across the country, thousands of people classed as 'horizontally challenged' are going on a 'health kick' and are taking up valuable spaces in local gyms. A health instructor expressed his 'deep' concerns: 'why can't fat people come in small groups? Yesterday, my gym was full of them. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. Something has to change!'

Meanwhile, FATTLS (For Anyone Trying To Lose Stones of weight) was in 'uproar' at the 'audacity' of these claims, a spokesperson told our news team: 'everyone should be encouraged to go to the gym. The gym saves lives, it saves hearts!'

The health secretary, as usual, when any tiny amount of pressure is on, has nothing useful to say so we asked his cat who hissed when we showed her a picture of the stick insects that inhabit our gyms.

50% of those who put on weight 'blame it on the tumbledrier!'

According to F.F.S (Fat Fighters Society) many people who put on weight 'go into denial' and forget that the packet of Hobnobs which they 'hoover up' every evening contains those 'anti-skinny' ingredients called calories.

It's called S.A.D (Sugar abnormality Denial) where someone will gorge on sugary foods but will not see or admit what they're doing. 'It's a real problem' says Dr Spoon from Leeds university, 'until people can face up to S.A.D nothing will change. IT IS NOT the tumble drier's fault!'

'It's true,' said Jane Gotitright, from Primark in Chelmsford, who has a degree in S.A.D: 'People who are suffer from S.A.D might order a Full English but genuinely believe they've ordered something healthy like cabbage soup. It can cause real problems.'