SWEARING SANTA GETS THE SACK!

The Santa at Maldon's Grotto, in Essex, was given his 'marching orders' after swearing at children for taking the baubles off the Christmas tree. 

The man who can not be named (Mr S) was 'frustrated' that every child was 'fiddling' with the Christmas decorations. One of the elves stated, 'Mr S had asked the Grotto manager, several times, to install a rule where no one could touch the tinsel but the manager refused. So that was it. Every time anyone walked past the tree, Santa would twitch. The smaller the child the more pronounced the twitch.'

The hired cleaner also made a comment, 'it's such a shame but I don't know why Maldon Town employed a Santa who cares more about tree baubles than he does about the children. Even I wasn't allowed to touch the tree!'

One mother complained after her son was told that if he didn't let go of the bauble 'his (ducking) head was going to become a bauble!' She was quite 'depressed', 'Santa's not supposed to say those words! That would never have happened in my day!'

Mr S declined to comment but the Maldon Mayor made a statement, 'we don't condone this sort of language but we can understand the frustration of Mr S: we've had ten baubles, five bits of holly and 8 candy canes stolen in the last week. Children need to stop touching the Christmas tree. We don't worry about the tree falling over- we've stuck it down with blue-tac as we're VERY Health and Safety conscious- we just DON'T want our Santas going round the bend!'

Christmas shopping BEFORE December is bad for your health!

Christmas Panic Syndrome is on the rise as more and more people start worrying about Christmas far too early- in some cases, as early as August.

 According to the World Health Organisation symptoms of Christmas Panic Syndrome include sweaty palms, a compulsion to buy EVERY PRESENT by the end of September and nightmares about having dry turkey.

A leading practitioner researching into this 'seasonal panic' refers to its 'irony',
'organised people seem to suffer the most. As soon as September comes, those who are normally calm and logical suddenly suffer heart palpitations and shortness of breath- quite often when they first watch the John Lewis advert.'

This year, many of the retail giants have competed for the 'most Christmasy' advert designed to pull on heart strings and stir emotion. And this has proven 'problematic' for people with Christmas Panic Syndrome (CPS). Another expert stated, 'people are bombarded with Christmas story after Christmas story with jumping pets and crying snowmen. These adverts bring on the symptoms and sufferers have to turn off their television sets. '

The government has 'promised' to send out leaflets offering advice on how to cope with the symptoms of CPS. Boris Johnson has offered to dress up as an elf for the front page photo of the leaflet in order to 'cheer people up'; the World Health Organisation 'strongly objects' to such an image on grounds that it might bring on several thousands of seizures around the country.

Control your Corgis, Ma'am!

Builders being interviewed at Buckingham Palace are 'terrified' of the Queen's Corgis.

Talks between the local builders and Buckingham palace regarding next year's renovations have gone into 'shut down' as the builders declare the queen's home 'unsafe'.

Pete Wailer, architect and Builder who built Wembley stadium, has reportedly 'refused' to enter the palace unless the Corgis are kept in kennels, 'when I walked in, three of them came galloping towards me. Not like a normal Corgi- those sort just waddle- this lot were on something! They knocked me down and wouldn't stop licking my face!' 

The queen refused to comment, although there are rumours that the builders will no longer have biscuits with their tea.

Meanwhile, the royal correspondent at the BBC was 'not surprised' by these reports. 'The queen loves her babies. They have a cup of tea in the morning- and often out of Philip's cup! They've been brought up thinking everyone wants a cuddle.'

The Buckingham Palace butler speaks less favourably of her majesty's Corgis, 'it's a disgrace!  Last month, one of them wanted to play hide and seek with my shoe. I told her off but then she ran away to the drawing room. I found her with just the shoe laces in her mouth. She'd eaten my shoe! I wear steel toe capped boots, now. I'd like to see her chew one of those!'

May wants a Boris Johnson Looky Likey to meet with EU trade officials.

The government is asking Boris Johnson Looky Likeys to come forward and apply for a job where they impersonate Boris Johnson in order to make successful trade deals with the EU.

The Looky Likey will undergo a number of tests including hair styling, hand gestures and voice tones. A BBC political correspondent said, 'it has to be just right if we are going to convince Europe that the pretend Boris is ACTUALLY Boris.' 

The plan comes as a result of the 'heated' conversation Boris had with an Italian minister which turned into a 'spat' over whether the UK could access the single market. Johnson reportedly 'wagged his finger' while threatening that Prosecco sales would drop; and the Italian minister responded by blowing raspberries and crying out that he hates fish and chips.

Theresa May has been 'concerned' with a number of Boris' meetings and 'feels strongly' that a Looky Likey would do a better job of keeping EU officials on side. 

A source close to Boris claims that Boris is 'unfazed' by this government intiative,  'Boris is convinced that no one can impersonate him. After all, how is ANYONE going to master that Eton accent?'

Teacher and pupils cast a snow spell.

Year 11 pupils from Maldon, in Essex, have been conducting 'an experiment' to see if a pagan snow spell actually works! 

The snow spell is expected to be a success and we should see some snow at some point during the winter months.

 A year 11 student who 'loved' the class spoke to our news team, 'it's the best lesson of the week. We don't do no writing. And Sir never has a go if we forget a pen! All we gotta do is remember to clean our cauldrons.'

The Head Teacher of Great Maldon High is reportedly 'outraged' that this underground lesson has been 'injected' into the timetable without his permission.  Plus, noone can find any evidence that it even took place. The Head's PA made a statement, 'it's been extremely difficult as the room with all these supposed cauldrons seems to have disappeared- even the caretaker can't find it.'

The teacher leading the 'unsavoury' cross curricular lesson has been suspended until further notice. One pupil at the school has insisted that it's 'all so unfair'. Another pupil said, 'we liked it! We ACTUALLY learnt something!'

When Mr Rice was questioned it was revealed that the students had become 'disillusioned' with the stress of their GCSEs, so Mr Rice  wanted to offer 'hope' and 'encouragement' by offering a lesson which would stimulate their imagination and team building skills.

STRICTLY no Farage!

After seeing Ed Balls perform his Gangnam Style routine on Strictly Come Dancing, Farage has told BBC bosses that he wants to be a contender in next year's series. 

A source close to the UKIP leader stated, 'Ed Balls has suddenly become a national treasure. Nigel knows he needs people to come round to his way of thinking before he has any chance of becoming Prime Minister. Trump has given him hope. So why not start with Strictly?'

However, Strictly bosses have vowed to pull the show if Farage is brought on, 'our ratings would plummet. The boos would be horrible, and Len might strangle him!'

When discussing his future on BBC question time,  Farage admitted being a 'huge fan' of Strictly Come Dancing which brought on such hysterics from the rest of the panel  that Dimbleby couldn't regain control for a full ten minutes!  One member of the audience said, 'I have never seen Dimbleby look so cross!'

Afterwards, Farage was getting on a plane back to New York, to see Trump, one onlooker said, 'he was shouting really loudly that all British politicians are corrupt!'

He is reportedly off to talk to the American president-elect who 'really knows' what he's talking about!

High Court Ruling makes everyone have a BREW!

Record number of brews were made after the High Court Ruling, yesterday.

The National Grid experienced a surge in demand similar to that during the half-time of an England World Cup Football match.

The nation reacted 'in a very British manner!' to the news that Theresa May's government can not trigger Article 50,  'we all put the kettle on!'  stated BBC political correspondent.

Power stations were also told to be on 'high alert' during BBC QUESTION TIME. One insider said, 'we were told that EVERYONE was bound to make a cup of tea when that programme was on.' It was expected that 'tempers would fly and things might be thrown, and that David Dimbleby might even swear!'

This morning, the Downing Street butler reported of 'smashed teacups' and 'lots of rude words' coming from the cabinet discussion rooms, 'I made sure the maid used the OLD tea cups! We'll get them out again when Trump comes.'

The former Labour leader even spoke out, 'whatever side you're on, it's clear that the British people care!'

However, in more serious tones, supermarkets have been told to fill the shelves with every brand of teabag in the wake of the High Court Ruling, 'if the National Grid stats are anything to go by, people are deeply unhappy or relieved. In either case, they'll want more and more tea!' says a spokesperson for Tesco who is 'mildly anxious' that they may not meet the demand of the British people.

Witchcraft soars as Trump's popularity increases.

The Witchfest International reports that the number of American women signing up to Wicca has quadrupled in the last year. Women of all ages 'feel' they need to learn magic in light of Trump's growing popularity.  According to the Witchfest survey, women 'fear' that they are 'vulnerable' if Trump wins the election.

A spokesperson for Wiccan International said, 'people are desperate. I mean, we don't go into turning people into toads but we do some powerful stuff! I've made a man drink coffee when he originally wanted tea!'

Meanwhile, Air Traffic control systems are overused and overtired as the number of broomstick flights taking place has also quadrupled. One traffic controller remarked on the 'lack of courtesy' that some of these new witches were displaying, 'none of them stop or wait when they should. I mean, people never used to fly like that ten years ago!'

Trump's spokesman expressed his 'disgust' at so many women turning to witchcraft. 'Trump's not gonna like that! He'll want to get rid of all those witches. How's he gonna grab a woman if they're all on broomsticks?'

The Wiccan spokeswoman has mentioned a new project- their Anti-Trump spell which will work on Trump's inability to 'hear' what a woman wants. 'We aim to remove this disability for Trump and any other man who has impaired hearing.'

You can't trust Prince Philip with a secret!

This morning, the Queen and Prince Philip decided to FaceTime Putin to inform him he was no longer invited to the Royal Christmas party, but Philip told him 'a few home truths' and 'let slip' that the country's Cyberspace Protection Unit was in Buckingham Palace.

The Cyber Protection Unit is the 'most important I.T Unit in the country!' Theresa May stated only two days earlier. 'We need to protect our hospitals, our airports and our Cadbury factories!'

The queen reportedly hit Philip over the head with her pillow and told the palace's chief butler that the prince was only to have one morning cup of tea, and no biscuit.

Britain is on high alert for a cyberattack and Philip's gaffe could prove costly. 'The Chancellor was so cross he rushed to Downing Street. In his pyjamas!'  said a Downing Street official, 'there were heated talks and several packets of chocolate digestives brought through.'

Later today the Chancellor will announce, on Live TV, that the Cyber Protection Unit will be moving.  'We have to find another safe place,' the Chancellor's secretary confirms,  'but we have to keep it warm and dry. I suggested an airing cupboard somewhere. But we won't tell Russia!'

Your mother's cooking IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, learns MASTERCHEF winner!

MasterChef Winner was throttled by own mother after she made two many jokes about her mother's cooking.

Shauna Kneel (2016 MasterChef Champion) is recovering from a bruised neck and broken voice box after her mother tried to kill her in her home, in Kent.

Yesterday, in the late afternoon, one hour after the elder Mrs Kneel came to visit, screams and sounds of broken china could be heard from Shauna Kneel's garden. One witness said, 'I live next door to Shauna. The noise coming from her house was deafening. Plus, several spatulas, forks and sieves were being chucked over the garden fence! I had to keep my cat in so she didn't get frightened!'

Kneel made no secret of her mother's unorthodox cooking methods, 'my mother's terrible cooking inspired me to want to cook. When you've been raised on beef mince with Branston Pickle, you want to cook properly!'

However, Mrs Kneel was reported to be 'hurt' by her daughter's comments. A close friend of Mrs Kneel stated, ''I'm not surprised she lashed out. When MasterChef was on, Shauna kept telling Mince and Branston Pickle jokes. Lilly's had enough! The worst thing was when everyone made fun of her cream cheese and gherkin tartlets. Then she REALLY lost her temper!'

The jokes became progressively worse. Mrs Kneel confirmed that fifty two jars of pickle had been left on her doorstep during the course of the Master Chef series which Mrs Kneel considered 'in bad taste!'

Currently, she is cooperating with the ongoing police investigation.  Mrs Kneel may have to go on a cookery course as part of her community service.