Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'

Noone should leave the house until 2016 is over!

The government has made a special broadcast that will be aired at 9pm tonight which warns the public 'not to leave the house unless it is absolutely necessary'.

Theresa May is 'deeply concerned' that more disasters are in store and the country is 'too sad' to deal with any further 'setbacks'.  Her spokesmen has reported exclusively to The Big Pickle News. He stated, 'people thought the Blitz was bad. But what we now deal with is 21st Century problems: Brexit rage, Twitter anger, and the Exaggerated Fear of the Celebrity Grim Reaper.  We just can't cope.'

The government also believes the 'baffling' OBE list for 2017 will also cause 'unnecessary' outrage. Boris Johnson has been frank and honest about the Queen's list: 'she's having a jolly good joke. For crying out loud! Gove is on the list! He's got it for service and dedication to Educational Cock Up! I've cocked up the whole country, so why am I not on the list?'

The queen remains 'tight lipped' on the matter but her butler reported that she 'plans' to remain in Buckingham Palace until the New Year- 'taking heed' of the government's warming and has already 'constructed' her bucket list and advises everyone over 80 to do the same.

Christmas is over- every man on earth wants to join the gym.

Today, every human who's eaten their weight in chocolate, pies and wine will go to their local gym in an attempt to burn off 1000s of excess calories.

The gym company NO PAIN NO GAIN claim they are expecting a 'run on the gym' where they believe their gym will be 'filled to the brim' with angry people who 'regret' and 'lament' the number of mince pies and whiskey glasses they consumed.

A 'run on the gym' is where gyms have to shut down because people in their hundreds rush to the gym and start fighting and doing rugby tackles in order to be the first on the step machines and bikes.  The result is huge damage to the gym equipment and complete 'disorder' in the building.

A lead Fitness Trainer who specialises in Post-Christmas-Fat-Regret stated how 'moody' people can get after Christmas, 'people don't like it when they can see a muffin top or a thigh wobble. Both can be quite frightening.'

However, there is a risk that gym websites all over Britain  will 'crash' and go into  'shut down' when thousands of people in 'record breaking' numbers will decide to sign up to their local gym. Gym websites like Whales R Us, and Curves not Cakes are 'working round the clock' to ensure that their websites are up and functioning 'as normal'.

Shopping centres are filled with men!

Across the country, thousands of men are out shopping. The sight of so many men in a shop is a 'rare and beautiful' event states one expert who specialises in Male Retail habits. 'They walk with purpose as they approach the escalator; they exchange glances with the man behind them and there is a knowing look- sometimes even a chuckle.'

However, this annual event can also witness 'distress and confusion' amongst male shoppers. Some look 'dazed' while others are 'wide-eyed and jittery' reports one John Lewis manager who has witnessed twenty Christmas Eves in his lifetime, 'others have the panic look- delayed Christmas Panic Syndrome- where we must alert our medical team just in case the man's panic leads to a seizure.'

Also, the annual event can result in 'unpredictable' behaviour in women across the country, reports a Christmas Shopping expert from Oxford University. 'Some women feel slightly anxious if they suspect a present apocalypse approaching or desperately excited if they believe they might receive a wedding proposal. In these cases the woman will have dilated pupils, sweaty palms and a propensity to forget all her Christmas plans. But, thankfully, these symptoms only last for an hour.'

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Santa has an ANGRY wish list.

Santa has posted HIS wish list on Instagram, and it has caused nervous outrage across the country. 

He asked parents to 'check' the sell by date of their mince pies, to clean their chimneys or else they'll receive his dry cleaning bill, and asked for the central heating to be put on low due to the 'inexpressible heat' that comes from wearing a five centimetre thick coat and a long beard. 

The list has sparked mixed reactions from celebrities and politicians.

'Santa hasn't thought this through,' tweeted Emma Bunton. 'He can be a bit thick- I left out a cuddly bunny for him, once. He wrote Thanks but I'm a vegetarian.'  

Another celebrity who was also quick to respond was Alan Carr. He tweeted, 'some people are never 'appy, are they? I mean, free booze and food at every house? What more could you want, working only one night in the year?'

Boris Johnson tweeted, 'poor old Santa. He better be careful about his drinking because that  sleigh is awfully big- I don't want him crashing it into my house!'

Meanwhile, Santa's chief elf has made an announcement on The Big Pickle News, 'Santa is a little bit sensitive at the moment, particularly as some of the elves posted a picture of him from last Christmas Eve where he got stuck up the chimney and had to shout for help. Please be patient with him.'

Stupidity is rising as the number of selfies increases.

The 'obsession' with selfies is turning the human race into 'imbeciles', claims Professor Judge from Cambridge University. 'Selfies are changing the human race. We are spending far too much time posing in front of a tiny lense. In a few years, we will see changes to our bodies: our necks will grow at a wonk, our fingers will grow long and curl inwards and our eyes will become more square-like!'

Pear Yphones have accused Cambridge University of 'scaremongering' and for 'pretending' to make intelligent predictions.  A spokesmen for the CEO stated, 'we believe selfies are the best thing to be invented. They encourage people to focus on themselves and nobody else.'

Meanwhile, in 2017, The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that there will be an independent study carried out to investigate the real effects of the 'Selfie Age'. The study will be carried out on people who produced over 10,000 selfies in 2016 and there will be investigations into signs of neck or finger 'abnormalities' such as increased neck length or crooked finger syndrome. 

Watch Bulldog will broadcast a programme tomorrow night. A scientist behind the programme stated, 'people don't realise the dangers. If a person always puts on a big pout for a selfie, one day, the wind will change and they'll stay like that!'

Man's tight jeans are NOT because of the mince pies!

A man from Colchester, in Essex, has 2nd degree burns on his thighs and stomach after squeezing himself into his jeans which were 'far too tight!'

Billy Silly, 38, 'insists' that it was the Tumble Dryer on 'too high a setting' which shrunk his jeans, 'it's not the hundred and fourteen mince pies I've had this week, despite what my wife says! I keep telling her, men have a high metabolism. We can eat what we want.'

Meanwhile, the obesity charity 'Don't Obese Me' reported that there is a 'worrying' tradition during the festive period that people act like 'chocolate hamsters'. An Obesity expert reported, 'on Christmas Day, in particular, people seem to eat and eat and eat and they only stop when they feel ill. But as soon as the 'feeling ill' stage grows faint, they start eating again.'

Meanwhile Mr Nibbles has issued an apology, 'we are sorry if our mince pies are addictive, we wish you to spend your money to maintain our deliciously high profits, but we never endorse or encourage heart problems.'

TV perfume advert 'not pointless enough'.

The Maldunne Perfume advert where a muscly bodyguard saves a princess from a cliff edge has been pulled as it contains a storyline and so isn't 'pointless enough'.

The advertising standards agency insists that it needs to meet the legal 'pointless guidelines'. One spokesmen stated, 'every perfume advert must be completely pointless in order to have that mystery and intrigue. Therefore, the advert must have no talking, lots of close ups of dazed and disorientated characters and a whispery voiced narrator. Start having dialogue and actors who can do more than one facial expression and the advert flops!'

Maldunne perfume declined to comment on the matter but insisted that the advert had met the 'pointless guidelines' and that to accuse them of trying to add 'charisma and authenticity' to the characters was both insulting and unhelpful.

The actress who plays the princess in the Maldunne advert has 'promised' the company that she will 'forget everything that drama school taught her' so that she can be more 'wooden'.

Teacher caught dancing on the tables will be made to teach Health and Safety.

Last Thursday evening, an English teacher of ten years was caught dancing on the tables in Maldon's  'Curry Nights' restaurant. The teacher- who can not be named for legal reasons- was out on a Christmas do and one vodka led to several more and two hours later she was on the tables, and dragging her friends up to come and join her.

The Head Teacher at the local school voiced his 'outrage' at the notion that the teacher 'dared' to enjoy herself when the Christmas holidays had not yet started- AND on a school night! He stated, 'I'm speechless. She should be put back in that cupboard, at the back of the classroom, where she belongs!'

One pupil at the local school, on hearing the news, laughed so hard that he had to have stitches to put his cheeks back together.  He reportedly said, 'it's just the funniest thing I've heard in ages.  I wish more teachers would dance on tables! And why didn't someone film it?'

The school governors have been woken up from their 24 hour daily nap and have decided not to discipline Miss X but, instead, they insist that she teaches and leads the school's delivery of the GCSE in Health And Safety.

The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that Miss X is currently in talks with her union rep to see whether the school can, in fact, make her teach this 'Mickey Mouse' subject.

Christmas Cake Marzipan found to contain sticky stuff found in lip gloss.

Christmas Cake Marzipan made by Marzitate has recently been found to have 'worrying' levels of the chemical Glosstrux which is the chemical found in sparkly lip gloss.

Immediately after the health expert from Watch Dogs filed his report, thousands of Christmas cakes have been taken off the shelves in supermarkets across the country as the chemical is considered to be 'highly potent'. Symptoms of over exposure to Glosstrux include glitter fluid coming out of eye ducts, shiny forehead and glittery stool- some could even find silver studs!

Marzitate have publicly come out and are 'sorry' that people have suffered the effects of Glosstrux 'we are very sorry that people have had to wear glitter-resistant eye patches.  We know they're expensive.'

Meanwhile, on social media people have been taking selfies of themselves and their sparkly stools, someone on Twitter stated, 'It's bright and beautiful! I swear I've pooed out a Disco Ball!'

However, The World Health Organisation has been concerned about people's 'flippant' reaction to the contaminated Marzipan and its symptoms. One spokesman stated, 'this is a serious matter. Everyone should be checking their stool carefully- it's a health hazard not a selfie opportunity! If you've been affected call 911.'

The advice is DON'T POSE JUST CHECK!

Mrs Kipling demands her share of the profits!

Mr Kipling's mum has publicly accused her son of 'stealing' her recipes. A lady in her late sixties announced on Twitter who she was and an hour later #angrymamakipling was trending. 

Last night, Mrs Kipling made her first public appearance on the One Show and declared, 'I want the world to know who is REALLY behind those tasty Angel Cakes. The Crusty Loaf in Maldon is where all the Kipling recipes are born!'

Hours later, Mr Kipling called 'This Morning' and asked to speak to Philip Schofield. He declined to come on the show as he wanted the press to 'respect his privacy.' He made a statement on the phone,  'Mum had a bump to the head six months ago and we can conclude, therefore, that she's now lost some brain cells.  She's a raisin short of a Chelsea Bun!'

However, residents who live along Spital Road in Maldon have confirmed that what Mrs Kipling said 'could be true.' One resident reported, 'I do see large boxes come out of her bakery every Monday, about five in the morning, and recently I've seen crates of Elf slices outside her bakery door. A black lorry then arrives about ten past five and takes them away.  It's all very strange!' 

It is predicted that every resident in Maldon will participate in 'curtain twitching' next week, on Monday morning, at five.

Government issues leaflet advising schools on how to save money.

The Government has issued an A5 poster entitled HOW TO SAVE THE PENNIES which should reach every school in the country by tomorrow morning.

A spokesperson for the Education Secretary reported, 'the leaflet is both informative and succinct. Having it all there in such a small space teaches teachers that you can be economical with ANYTHING!'

Meanwhile, NASUWT and NUT (teaching unions) are 'furious' and one NUT representative spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'when was the last time anyone in Westminster stepped into a school? What the government knows about schools you could barely fill up a postage stamp never mind an A5 bit of paper!'

The leaflet which has caused so much 'outrage' includes tips such as:

-How to use one tea bag for every ten cups of tea.

-How to pick your top 3 students and make the job of fixing the school network part of their I.T course. 

-How to issue school reports on Snapchat in order to save paper and save space on the school system.

NASUWT have 'actively encouraged'  all its members to regard the leaflet as fancy toilet paper and to use it in the appropriate manner.

Woman who 'couldn't give a toss' about Christmas is suspected of being extraterrestrial!

Last night, a woman stated on Facebook that she 'couldn't give a toss about Christmas' and it sent the festive world into a spin! There's been outrage on social media and many people have had their 'Elf on the Shelf' brandishing a Pitchfork in protest. 

A Christmas expert who specialises in 'festive cheer' reported that it was 'very unusual' to be so dismissive of Christmas at this time of year. 'The woman has displayed almost psychopath tendencies.  We need to check out her DNA because something isn't right! I mean, who doesn't like Christmas? If one is not moved by Wizard's I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY! then one must assume the person is suffering from seasonal flu!'

The woman, who can not be named for legal reasons, is still insisting that she said the right thing, 'Christmas is too commercialised. Elves and gaudy trees have taken over my Facebook timeline- I liked it better when it was babies and Prosecco!'

A thirty-one-year-old woman, who insists that Santa is 'alive', reacted to the woman's rant on Facebook, 'there's just no need for comments like that! I pity her, poor woman! Once she starts believing in Santa, again, she'll feel MUCH BETTER!'

Man goes 'berserk' when neighbour blocks his Christmas reindeer.

A thirty-year-old father wants to press charges against a neighbour who parked in front of his Christmas reindeer. 

For several weeks there have been 'evils' exchanged between the two neighbours but tensions heightened when the neighbour- who can not be named for legal reasons- parked his car right in front of the man's front lawn.

'That reindeer was supposed to cheer people up!' stated the father of two. 'It lights up the whole road, when you can see it. I was planning on buying eight more but now I can't and I KNOW a lot of people are gonna be disappointed!'

Meanwhile, another neighbour spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'each day they've been arguing. First they blocked eachother's driveways, then they stole each other's food bins and now THIS!'

The neighbour in question refused to comment on the matter but we were able to confirm with his window cleaner that he DOES have a criminal record for Christmas Tree theft and Holly Bush vandalism.

Tesco employee criticised for telling terrible joke.

Several customers started hyperventilating in Tesco after they were told that all the Turkeys had been sold out. 

Yesterday afternoon, a joke went 'horribly wrong' when a store manager at Tesco wanted to 'raise morale' amongst his staff: he decided to make a tannoy announcement that Tesco could no longer afford to sell Turkeys because of Brexit. 'I expected everyone to laugh and then carry on shopping. I mean, what have our Turkeys got to do with Brexit?'

The Tesco CEO was 'surprised' and 'alarmed' by the news, 'we take our customer care very seriously. We have launched a full scale investigation into the matter. Humour can be a dangerous thing!'

One of the customers who was rushed to A&E spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'Christmas is the most important day of the year. I put 10 hours into the stuffing balls, alone. The idea that I might not need cranberry sauce was just too much. Everything went black!'

The Tesco employee behind the 'scam' has refused to comment. On the other hand, another victim who struggled to breathe has said she'll talk 'openly' if she gets double the points and a free Turkey.

Elf might be done for THEFT!

A father of four has accused the family's elf of stealing his XBox.  The video game console was last seen on Wednesday 7th December, at one in the morning, just before he went to bed.

The man insists it was Eddie (their new elf), 'I knew he would steal my Xbox, I caught him eyeing it up when I was playing it.  I reckon Santa's gonna be cross- the Xbox is the only thing that helps me relax!'

Last night, there were reports of 'shouts' and 'wails' coming from the garage. The man's wife stated, 'he went mad. He made a last ditch attempt to check the garage but when he realised the Xbox wasn't there he ran back into the house and started yelling at Eddie. But Eddie stayed calm. He didn't move a muscle!'

Today, The Big Pickle News managed to get an exclusive chat with one of the children and the nan. Both made claims that it 'might have been' someone else who stole the Xbox. The girl made this statement, 'we reckon Mum stole it. One day, dad didn't even put his dirty socks in the wash basket. And THAT, mum said, was the last straw!'

Mr Bloom is 'okay' with Tom Hardy appearing on CBeebies bedtime hour.

After today's 'tremor' on the Richter scale caused by news that Tom Hardy was going to do the bedtime hour on CBeebies, Mr Bloom has made a 'brave' statement. 

An hour ago, he spoke on live national television while the TV vegetables were standing behind him, 'I don't mind Tom Hardy presenting the bedtime hour. I really don't.  I'm still Mr Bloom! I've got my new calendar out, and mothers still ask me about my sprouts and parsnip!'

However, there were earlier reports that Mr Bloom was 'sulking' about Tom Hardy's popularity.  The CBeebies producer witnessed a 'mild tantrum' from Bloom soon after he heard the news about Hardy.  'Bloom got his fork stuck in the mud! And I could tell he wanted to throw his rake across the allotment.  The vegetables didn't know what to make of it!

Meanwhile, Tom Hardy made a statement exclusively for The Big Pickle News: 'I am flattered that so many people think I will read a good story. And Mr Bloom needn't worry, he still has a strong fan base. In fact, my nan told me that she wouldn't kick him out of bed! And she's 85!'

Elf in 'poor health' due to long working hours.

'Elf on the Shelf', the Elf recruitment agency, has complained of 'unfair' working conditions that their elves are increasingly operating under. The Trade unions, such as Candy Care and Santa's Specials, have been drawing up new contract guidelines which may well lead to strikes if they are not adhered to by Santas Inc (the institution which employs these elf actors).

One elf who's been in the business for twenty years is 'exhausted' by the work pace which elves are now subjected to, 'it was so easy to begin with, back in the day. Big people respected every position you took up and were excited if you just moved along the shelf! Now, they whine if you're not throwing the loo roll about!'

One young elf was almost thrown out of the house for 'being boring'. He reports exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'these 24 hour shifts are exhausting!  How can I be original on zero hours sleep? I learnt CLASSICAL acting at drama school, not this silly pose rubbish.'

Santas Inc have refused to comment, although they're currently meeting with Candy Care to discuss ways forward.

Meanwhile, Santa is 'shocked' and 'dismayed', and has reportedly doubled the bonus of every demoralised elf.