Clairvoyant makes prediction: 'Brexit MIGHT NOT BE TOO BAD!'

Last night, a clairvoyant from Essex (the old ancient home of many witches) made an important prediction: "Britain MIGHT not become bankrupt after Brexit! Trade MIGHT go ahead, after all."

Many people- educated from the University of Life- 'scoffed' and 'berated' such a notion, 'Of course it'll be bad. Every newspaper agrees: we're all DOOMED!'

Meanwhile, a few tories 'really hope' that Teresa May- or Boris- can 'hash up' some sort of deal before Christmas. "Boris has the power to draw up a deal. Europe- particularly the Germans- take him VERY seriously."

Therefore, we should not be too morbid: even though movement across Europe, skilled workers in the uk and trade will be significantly reduced, holidays to Skegness, and Walton on the Naze will become extremely popular. Holidays will be alot easier- no one will need to eat any foreign food, they can have chips morning, noon and night!'

'We play Rock, Paper, Scissors!' admits BBC weather man.

Yesterday, a 'devastating' fact was exposed that could shock 'weather enthusiasts': the weather men at the BBC use a children's 'guessing game' to make important decisions about the weather.

Steve Pain, chief of all things weather at the BBC, made the serious leak when giving a presentation about the high- tec weather equipment to a group of students on work experience. Mr Pain didn't realise his microphone wasn't turned off when he spoke to his secretary standing next to him 'this is a doss!' he was heard saying. 'Tell Geoff from I.T that it's his turn to play Rock, Paper, Scissors!'

According to our unnamed source, before the BBC broadcast their weather programme, Mr Pain plays rock, paper, scissors with the caretaker, the window cleaner, even the canteen staff. Each side will hazard a guess as to what the weather might do and then they play. Whoever wins then has their weather prediction broadcast to the British public.

The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that the queen was so 'enraged' by this scandal that she couldn't 'bring herself to drink her tea.' This is serious. Updates will be coming soon. 

Mother makes 'shocking' revelation that she NEVER feels guilty!

Shock waves have been sent through the British public, and around the world, after a mum in Essex claims she DOES not suffer from the notoriously common 'Mummy Guilt', (when everything you say and do MUST be wrong!)

'I don't feel guilty!' stated the mother in question, who appeared on BBC's Question Time: 'I do my very best as a parent. If I make a mistake, I try and change it. I can't do any more!'

This has sparked a flourish of outcries from Mumsnet. 'Who is this crazy lady?' said one.
'EVERY mother feels guilty. That's why we blog, FFS!' said another.

Meanwhile, DADS R US- a charity willing to listen to dads who find parenting 'traumatising' have insisted, 'every good parent feels guilty. We always feel bad when we go on long 'Lads Weekends'- we ALWAYS worry how the wife is coping with the kids. That's why we never answer our texts!'

The DADS R US website has been hacked- investigations are ongoing because several mothers have owned up to it on their Facebook pages.

'Strange' man found searching in a library and NOT on Google.

'Strange' man found searching in a library and NOT on Google.

The police were called to a library in Maldon, Essex, because a man was exhibiting 'strange' and 'unexpected' behaviour as he walked past the computer stations: he didn't get out his phone; he headed straight for a book shelf. 'This was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen,' stated a young librarian.

Many people witnessed the man's actions. 'At one point, EVERYONE had looked up from their phone. I thought he might be sleep walking,' said one eyewitness.

Another man, Dave Eldgit, who is a regular visitor to the library, and over sixty, and therefore 'expert' in all things OLD, made this statement, 'back in the day, people WOULD ACTUALLY read books. They'd turn the pages with no bother at all.'

The man who picked out a book insists that he'll 'have his say' but is 'engaged' in talks with his lawyer over the high court case that he is 'mentally unwell': 'it was only because I left my phone at home, so I thought I might as well read a book.'

Meanwhile, the archbishop of Canterbury believes the man is 'a sign': he made a statement this evening: 'this man is sending a powerful message- encouraging people to look at the beautiful world around them and NOT through a smart screen! We should all aspire to be this man.'

'I don't have hay fever!' says smug man who has no need to carry tissues.

Across the UK, thousands of people are now suffering from itchiness, bulbus eyes and runny noses- but the worst thing about hay fever? 'the smug people who don't have it,' states hay fever Guru, Neil Dong.

Mr Dong has studied pollen for over a decade and believes that symptoms are bought on by 'rage' when you see someone next to you who has a dry nose and who can breathe without sounding like a donkey.

Clive Andrews, from Maldon in Essex, was sent to A&E after his wife threw a vase of flowers at him with 'witch-like venom'. The woman's 'bestie' stopped us to comment on what happened: 'when WILL men listen? Giving Sharon flowers gives Sharon hives! Plus, her mouth swells so much that she just can't speak, sometimes for a whole week. He does it every year- always on his birthday!'

Clive Andrews has been hailed a 'clever man' by MOSS (Men Of Sensational Substance) whose spokesperson has 'kicked himself' for not thinking of this himself. 'Hay fever doesn't have to be a BAD thing!' he says, somewhat gleefully.

'I'm doing great with my detox!' says shortempered miserable person.

Across the UK thousands of people have stuck to their diet in order to be ready for their 'beach body' but there is one problem...they have become 'miserable buggers!' say some of the finest Weight Loss Reps in the country.

Fitness instructor and dietician, Ed Big-Balls, leaked 'important revelations' through his Facebook page during a drunken night out, 'people who stick to a strict diet routine are f**king boring!' he ranted at 2.05 am. His comments have sparked controversy, particularly as he earns his money trying to convince his clients that one small rasher of bacon and half a lettuce leaf will fill them up.

Emma Dud, a client of the dietician in question, has stated 'all food starts to look green. You start hating everyone!'

Meanwhile, Bob Margate, the man who leads the organisation FAT (Full and Tubby) states: 'this is why we never diet. Fat people are jolly for a reason!'

However, many people on detox are 'angry' that they've been criticised publicly. One strict dieter posted on Facebook, 'if I want to be grumpy on celery then that's my problem. Noone else's!'

However, according to this lady's husband, it can become your problem when 'the farts are so bad' the window of your bedroom is 'permanently' open.

'What do you do all day?' says imbecile husband who does not value his life!

A man has committed the 'ultimate dad-sin': he asked his stay-at-home wife the most hated question- 'so what EXACTLY do you do all day?'

Mark Ter-watz claims that he was then 'verbally attacked' for over an hour. 'She recited a list and didn't pause for breath. I think she might have burst my ear drum!'

The Society of the Prevention of Twatty Sayings (SPOTS) 'insists' that Mark Ter-watz got his 'just desserts!' A spokesmen spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'when your partner says something like what have you done all day? they clearly have no more than three brain cells. Therefore, one has to beat them down in order for them to comprehend the enormous list required to run a home and to keep everyone alive!'

Mark Ter-watz and his wife have been 'reconciled'- he bought her some Prosecco.

Remembering the good old days? 'You're definitely past it!' says expert!

Across the uk, thousands of people are repeating the same phrase, again and again: 'things aren't as good as they used to be', 'why can't we write with pen and paper?', 'Remember when you HAD to arrive on time?'

'This a sign of an ageing population', says Kevin Pits, expert in STAMP (Studies in Ageing Mammals and People). 'Extensive research has been carried out into the behaviours and traits of the 'Past Its'.
They have found the following:
'I used to search in a library, not on google!'- this indicates a man who's in his forties.
'I remember having to go out in the garden to use a toilet'- this indicates someone who's in their eighties. Kevin believes that 'people just can't help themselves.'

However, HOOT (Helping Oldies On Together) expressed their 'disdain' that old people are 'past their best!' One member said, 'it's an absurd notion: we oldies are the only ones who can read a map, we know how a car works. And so what if I've offended everyone on Facebook? None of it's real!'

Are you a 'Past It?' The Big Pickle News Team would love to hear from you.

'Fat people are in my gym!' says human stick insect!

Across the country, thousands of people classed as 'horizontally challenged' are going on a 'health kick' and are taking up valuable spaces in local gyms. A health instructor expressed his 'deep' concerns: 'why can't fat people come in small groups? Yesterday, my gym was full of them. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. Something has to change!'

Meanwhile, FATTLS (For Anyone Trying To Lose Stones of weight) was in 'uproar' at the 'audacity' of these claims, a spokesperson told our news team: 'everyone should be encouraged to go to the gym. The gym saves lives, it saves hearts!'

The health secretary, as usual, when any tiny amount of pressure is on, has nothing useful to say so we asked his cat who hissed when we showed her a picture of the stick insects that inhabit our gyms.

'It's nearly Easter!' says every money-grabbing supermarket chain.

'Concerning' news has reached us in the last twenty four hours: now Christmas is over supermarkets intend to fill up their shelves with Easter Eggs. One customer 'could not believe her eyes'. Lucy Egglinton spoke to our news team: 'by all accounts Jesus was born, then he died, and then he was reborn again in less than a month. That's quite a miracle!'

A dentist from Pitsea was 'astonished' at this quick turnaround in chocolate consumption. Mr Gumstruck said, 'people are so fickle when it comes to chocolate: one minute they bite the head off a snowman, next they're scoffing cadbury's cream eggs! NOONE thinks about their teeth! The toothfairy's budget is getting quite stretched!'

Meanwhile, big supermarket stores have defended their 'Egg Actions': 'our job is to make as much money out of you guys as we possibly can. It's as simple as that!'

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'TO BE HONEST...' says person who just wants to insult you.

Those friends who say 'to be honest' could 'be about to insult you,' says insult specialist, Ben Johnson, who states that the words 'to be honest' mean 'they are putting a cushion in front of your face before they take the first punch.'

Many agree with this bold statement: 'being honest is the new excuse for saying what you darn well think' says expert in diplomacy, Mr Voice, whose inspirational theory drew the crowds to his lecture on 'Golden Gossip and how to get it.'

Plus, not everyone reacts well to words of honesty. Sally Gulliball wants to sue her husband for his honesty which, he says, was 'well intentioned'.

 Sally spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'we went shopping and I kept asking does my bum look big in this? He must have replied 'to be honest' about ten thousand times AND THEN he said, 'yeah! Really big!'

Sally Gulliball later reported that she was 'devastated' and that such honesty was 'unacceptable'.
'Why can't a man just lie and have done with it?'

Those who hate Christmas songs 'have a high I.Q', says boring expert.

If you like Christmas songs then you have a 'cell shortage' in the brain, claims one expert who has studied Christmas cheer for more than a decade. Mr Funsponge made his announcement, today, ahead of the festive period: 'if you have lots of electrons firing in the brain it can resist Christmas songs and all their fuzziness. If you don't have many electrons, your brain will give in; it will start to find Christmas fun!'


The World Health Organisation insists that it's all 'make believe'. One medical expert spoke to our news team: 'if you don't like Christmas songs you're a grumpy old git!'

According to papers published by various health officials- 'heavy weights' in the medical community- Christmas songs release 'fuzziness' into your stomach which is released into your blood stream. One official believes 'it creates new happiness- new brain cells are bound to follow!'

However, many consider these findings 'utter nonsense!' Mr Funsponge insists no happiness can come from listening to a jolly song, 'even Elton John can't make me smile!' he said.

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A stress-free Christmas? Not on your Nellie!

Research gathered across the UK has revealed 88% of the British population want a 'stress free' Christmas, this year, but Christmas scientist tells us, 'you're better off betting on a white Christmas!'

Mr Stock-King has spent 30 years trying to find the perfect Christmas but in his academic paper his end statement was one word- 'bollocks!'

He went on, 'there are too many variables which can ruin a perfect Christmas: Turkeys can refuse to cook, presents can be hand-made and you can't take them back, 'Home Alone' can only be on ONCE, tight trousers can leave welt marks- the list is ENDLESS!'

Arthur Eczema (leading researcher in seasonal emotions) agreed, 'no amount of meditation can make you like Brussel Sprouts! No amount of yoga can make you get out of this one! Christmas might well suck but, just remember, there's always Morecambe and Wise! Who doesn't like a repeat?
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Britain 'shocked' by moderate Cold Snap.

Britain has been 'shocked' by temperatures which are the 'expected average' for this time of year. Thousands have taken to social media to express their utter surprise at having to wear their winter coats in December. One astonished woman wrote, 'It's cold out there!'

However, our obsession with weather which is 'normal' for this time of year isn't new. 'If you walk down any high street you will see the British people at their best,' states a Professor from Oxford University who specialises in B.O (British Oddities). 'They will continually repeat the same phrases. These are, in no particular order:
'Ooooh, it's bitter!'
'It's definitely Winter.'
'We might have snow!'

According to research carried out over the last fifty years, these phrases have never changed. The only phrase which is no longer in use is...'have we got enough fire wood?'

If you are affected by this seasonal 'shock and bewilderment' which seems to affect more than half of Britons each year then The Big Pickle News can offer the following advice:

1) Put the kettle on.
2) If tea alone doesn't calm your nerves, have a biscuit- not a Rich Tea- a proper biscuit.
3) Get your coat on.
4) Think about the number of extra calories you are burning in this cold. Then think of the extra biscuits you can have.

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Those who don't like cats 'might not be fully human'.

People who don't like cats could well have 'mutated dog genes' states unknown scientist from Walsall University.

According to CATPO (Cats and the People Obviously) there has been 'ground breaking' research uncovered which explains why some people love cats and why some people hate dogs.

It reveals that you can tell those who love cats by their appearance, 'although these people are 100% human, many of them are women who display several whiskers and have rather pointy teeth,' says Dorothy from CATPO who, we noticed, had rather pointy ears.

The W.I have called out on this one, 'verbally swiping' at this claim: 'this is nonsense. Any woman can have whiskers. Ladies, we should wear our facial hair with pride. It's all about gender equality. Beards aren't just for men!'

One woman from Devon has gone on live radio to dismiss the claim made by CATPO and Walsall University: 'what about people who love cats AND dogs?'

A representative deep in the heart of CATPO spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: someone who likes both dogs and cats is rare! We can't include such variables- it would muck up our results too much!'

Obsessively counting your steps is a sure sign you 'suck' at Maths.

Extensive research into the type of customer who buys a fitbit has revealed that those who can't stop counting steps 'struggle' with basic addition.

Tracy, from Canvey, has always struggled with her counting since she was a 'wee nipper'. 'I always struggled with counting then I realised why- one day it dawned on me- that I only had nine toes when everyone else had ten! In Canvey, A LOT of people only have nine toes.

Meanwhile, a fitness specialist from Loughborough university, Doctor Ports, has made a public statement: 'Fit bits mean anyone can keep fit- even those who eat burgers all day can still claim to be a bit fit! Why knock it?'

The World Health Organisation has insisted that one should not 'give a rat's FAT arse' about what the critics say, 'counting your steps means people have GREAT maths skills. Counting to ten thousand is quite an achievement!'

Those who like Brussel sprouts have 'damaged taste buds'.

Those who like Brussel sprouts are no longer categorised as 'strange'- they actually have 'mutated taste buds' says vegetable specialist, Dave Broom. He spoke exclusively to our news team: 'Brussel sprouts are grown using damaged or rotten cabbage seeds and so those who think sprouts are tasty MUST have had a taste bud trauma!'

According to The Wide World Health Organisation, taste bud trauma can happen at 'any time' when something is 'so badly cooked' our taste buds become so distressed they shrivel up and die. With less taste buds, you taste less, and horrible things can then taste good. One specialist observed, 'you could eat mud and think you were eating chocolate roulade.'

Meanwhile, tongue surgeon Olivia Grey referred to these findings as 'absurd' because 'people who don't like sprouts are just wimps! Real people just put up and shut up!'

The Tupperware conspiracy theory IS true: the little lids DO hide from you!

Research carried out in millions of homes across the UK has made a phenomenal discovery: Tupperware and their lids have 'micro little legs and can walk and climb out of the house!'

Lead researcher, Mr Tubby, has studied Tupperware sets over the course of 3 years. He spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'lids of all shapes and sizes make a run for it as soon as the lights go out! Many go out through the cat flap, or a window, never to be seen again!'

The Tupperware factories have called the discovery 'absurd' and stated that if people were able to put their Tupperware lids 'in one place' then they would know where to find them.

Meanwhile, in Dorset, according to Dave Pinktin, all the disappearing lids are blamed on him, 'every bloody time!' And he can state, quite honestly, that he has no idea 'where the f*ck the lid is!'

Over 50% of us will suffer from Festive 'Grinch Rage', this year.

According to a study carried out by North Pole Elves, over half of us have suffered from 'uncontrollable rage' whenever we have seen Christmas 'paraphernalia' on the shop shelves, because 'it's too soon', and 'not bloody Christmas, yet!'

Symptoms of Grinch Rage can include a burning sensation under your skin (due to your blood pressure reaching boiling point), steam emitting from one's nostrils, spit flying everywhere and your eyesight being distorted by a red mist!

Nora Battie from Chelmsford says that every time she goes into Sainsbury's she has an 'uncontrollable twitch' because all she can see is advent calendars and mince pies. Yesterday, she punched a till worker because he asked if she'd 'possibly' seen the Christmas jumpers.

Dave Poorgit spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'the customer looked a bit red so I took pity on her- thought she might be going through one of those menopausal hot flushes- so I was just trying to make conversation about Chistmas.
I now need to see the dentist. URGENTLY!

Meanwhile, The World Health Organisation is 'frantically' trying to find a non drug type sedative for Grinch Rage so that shop workers can 'remain safe'. 

50% of those who put on weight 'blame it on the tumbledrier!'

According to F.F.S (Fat Fighters Society) many people who put on weight 'go into denial' and forget that the packet of Hobnobs which they 'hoover up' every evening contains those 'anti-skinny' ingredients called calories.

It's called S.A.D (Sugar abnormality Denial) where someone will gorge on sugary foods but will not see or admit what they're doing. 'It's a real problem' says Dr Spoon from Leeds university, 'until people can face up to S.A.D nothing will change. IT IS NOT the tumble drier's fault!'

'It's true,' said Jane Gotitright, from Primark in Chelmsford, who has a degree in S.A.D: 'People who are suffer from S.A.D might order a Full English but genuinely believe they've ordered something healthy like cabbage soup. It can cause real problems.'