Those who like straight lines 'could be from another planet!'

An organisation called S.C.A.T.T.Y (Severely Clumsy And Totally Talented Youngsters) has carried out a study into why some people like straight lines and the research suggests that these apparent 'oddities' might have 'extraterrestrial tendencies'.

A spokesperson at a S.C.A.T.T.Y summit gave a small talk: 'it's quite simple. Those who worship straight lines aren't normal and we believe that they either have a wiring malfunction of the brain or they're an alien!'

This talk has been considered 'hugely insightful' by one half of the planet but the other half want to have these findings 'looked into'.

Sally Nut, the lead researcher insists that their research is valid: 'we asked twenty people who shop in Tescos what they thought. We have been REALLY thorough!'

Man 'grapples' with the idea that he MIGHT NOT be right!

A man in his early forties has lost his ability to speak and can only "grunt" after a female colleague proved him wrong.

Neil Arrowgrance is now "struggling" with his pride as he's been proven to be an incorrect speller. Daisy Hegworth witnessed "the moment" at Essex County Council Headquarters. "Someone pointed out how to spell 'necessary'. Neil insisted they were wrong. Neil then looked it up on google, and then he couldn't utter a word."

Meanwhile our news team spoke to Keith Wright, expert in Self-Righteous Syndrome (the belief that one is ALWAYS in the right), who confirms that the effects of someone with SRS being proved wrong can include: "vomiting", "making attempts to eat one's hat" and "shaking".

A spokesperson from HR at Essex County Council is currently dealing with the matter: Miss Patchdit reports that "it is very difficult to help staff to overcome these problems. Mr Arrowgance is still trawling through every dictionary online- just to make sure he isn't right."

Cases of 'giddiness' and 'euphoria' seen in millions of parents as August comes to a close.

Across the UK, the Richter scale has reported regular tremors this week as millions of parents are 'jumping', 'skipping' and 'performing little dances' as the school holidays draws to a close.

A mum from Essex reports that her blood pressure has decreased, bit by bit, since the 20th August, 'we're at the point where I know I haven't got long to go! I can imagine a crumb free lounge and a hot cup of tea!'

Although for some parents it can be a very traumatic time.

TUMS (Traumatised & Upset Mothers) see an increase in online registrations each year: 'mums who watch their child go through the school gate for the very first time have it tough: they have to find out what phonics are, some go into panic mode thinking they can't remember the alphabet! Others hate the fact that they can now go shopping in peace and quiet. It's a traumatising time!'

Meanwhile, the W.I has made a public statement in response to tremors caused by overexcited parents: 'Mothers, get a grip! All this dancing is bad for your crockery; and TUMS Mums, for heavens sake, just learn how to bake!'

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Woman who eats sawdust and mud 'delights' in her dramatic weight loss.

Audrey Fick claims to have lost 'five stone' through her sawdust and mud diet: 'I've tried other diets but they don't seem to work- they make you eat 'real food'. I had to come up with my own plan. The trick is to eat empty calories!'

Health expert Mr Cake is 'unsure' about Mrs Fick's diet plan.  He referred to it as 'barbaric' and 'unbecoming!' 'No woman should be allowed to eat mud!' 

The World's Health Organisation explains that 'although sawdust and mud can provide empty calories, they can also cause stomach ulcers and intestine blockages.'

Meanwhile, Mrs Fick has several thousand Facebook and Twitter followers who 'swear by' her diet plan.  Mrs Fick insists that it works even though, last night, Mr Fick (her husband) went into hospital to have his stomach pumped from all the toxins in his diet. He spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News and is still fully behind the diet: 'tasty and nutricious dishes can be made from sawdust and mud- I had sawdust and worm crumble, the other day. The worms eat all the calories!'

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Woman has 'break down' after a long battle with Blue tac on the wall.

Sharon Davies, an office worker in Islington, was 'screaming' and throwing the staple gun at the wall yesterday afternoon. We caught her as she was being frogmarched out of the building by security: 'I can't stand it anymore. The friggin Blue tac won't come off the wall!'

Blue tac has become the number one 'pet hate' in the office: it takes several whole minutes to scrape off from the wall and then you find hundreds of other bits!   According to one study, 40% of office workers experience dizzy spells and blood pressure that reaches 'boiling point' when they are faced with a wall covered in Blue tac.

However, office worker enthusiast (David Mtchelle) believes that there are bigger 'more important' office grievances to discuss: 'this study has clearly forgotten how people hate the office swot, how they despise that lazy boss and how finding the biscuit barrel empty can really drive you mad.'

An expert in Blue tac (a Blue-tacian) has some valuable comments about the matter: 'Blue tac feels that it is now defunct, so when it DOES get used it doesn't want to let go of the wall. To ease it off, just talk to it.'

Research suggests that before the digital age, Blue tac was needed: it secured displays, it stuck profit margin sheets to a white board and it could even stick your heel to your shoe in an emergency. 

Not noticing a new hair cut is the main reason why your wife wants to punch you, a new study has revealed.

According to a study at Nottingham University, 10,000 men across the country, every ten minutes, are each wondering what they said to put their wife 'in a strop'. A relationship expert from Nottingham University, Mr Big, believes that a women's haircut acts as 'her peacock feathers.' So, he states, 'if she changes her feathers she wants her mate to notice her new feathers.'

Indeed, David Lame from London discovered the 'consequences' of not admiring his wife's new haircut, 'in the middle of the night, my wife dyed my hair orange.' 

It has been reported that Mrs Lame woke her husband up and 'shoved a mirror in his face.'  Mr Lame also said, 'she left me looking like an orange lolly pop. I almost lost my job at the Funeral Directors!'

Meanwhile, W.H.A.T (Women's Hair and Tresses) is not 'surprised' by this woman's reaction to her husband's lack of interest in her hair: 'do you know how much highlights cost, these days? Her husband could have said the the new colour matched her eyes!'

When we went back to Mr Lame, he was busy at Boots looking closely at 'Just For Men' hair dye and had no further comment to make. 

Cats pooing on your front lawn is number one reason why neighbours come to blows.

According to K.N.O.B.S (Keeping Neighbours Of Britain Safe) cat poo on your front lawn is the 'most likely' reason why neighbours come to blows. 

An expert in Neighbourly Harmony believes  that it is due to the 'revolting' smell of cat poo which makes a person's blood 'literally boil' when they spot a cat turd.

An expert in all things 'cat' , Doctor Mog, admits that it's the sheer 'belligerence' of cats which can really get up people's noses! One house owner, who can not be named for legal reasons, spoke to our news team: 'I almost drove into my front window when I spotted next door's cat doing its business just outside my front door!'

The study also revealed other 'bones' of contention between neighbours. Some of them included: parking in the wrong space, not offering to put the bins out, teenagers playing music out of an open window, talking too long while you're supposed to be mowing the lawn, not talking enough when you both get into your car to go to work in the morning and allowing the smell of bacon to waft down your street.  All of the above were amongst many reasons why some neighbours just don't get on.

Mr Brown (the spokesman for Neighbourly Harmony) insists that the key to neighbourly friendship is 'to control your cat.'