12 signs that you're more competent than your boss!

1) You notice 2 or 3 grammatical errors every time your boss sends an email.

2) In meetings you finish his sentences because he never explains things properly. 

3) Your boss eats far more chocolate than you do but claims all those wrappers in the draw are yours.

4) He has more toilet breaks than you.

5) He asks YOU if you know when he's getting paid. 

6) Even if he doesn't have a menstrual cycle, you know when his wife is menstruating because he moans about her incessantly. 

7) Your boss takes your drunken business ideas and claims them for his own.

8)  He takes the chocolate biscuits out of the tin before anyone else has a chance to.

9)  Your boss comes up with 'revolutionary' ideas for saving time like making a to-do list or organising a car share as if HE knows all the answers. 

10)  He doesn't know everyone's name and keeps calling you Susan who retired six months ago.

11) Your boss always says that Monday 'feels like a Tuesday'.

12) You cover up his mistakes and he's not even aware that he's made them. He thinks it's still Tuesday.


DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOUR BOSS?

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Cakes and happiness banned from the workplace.

Today, the Health Minister has stated that all cakes and sugary foods will be 'banned' from offices where any type of 'business activity' is taking place.

This new initiative has sent 'shock waves' across the big companies and financial markets in London. One FTSE expert stated, 'not having the office cakes will have serious consequences- low morale can devastate productivity.'

One expert in 'Pure Happiness' spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'it's really quite concerning. Cakes provide a satisfying sensation on the tongue and in the stomach. And don't underestimate the endorphins that are released when one unclasps the plastic box containing chocolate flapjacks.' 

The initiative comes after the Dentistry Watch Dog produced a programme on how all the cakes are 'making us wobble' and making our breath 'stink'. The narrator of the programme stated, 'cakes increase our fat and rot our teeth. We've got to stop eating cakes before we're too fat to fit through the office door.'

However, Delia Smith and Mary Berry have joined forces in their campaign to stop the Health Minister and plan to deliver homemade cakes to every office in the UK in their bid to 'make clear' how valuable to the economy a good cake can be. 

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7 ways to beat those January blues!

1) Avoid the scales. Don't go on them until February. If you must step on them, fast for 24 hours first. Dehydration can be so slimming!

2) Look back at those holiday snaps- when you were tanned and svelte-like. Have one at the top of your bedroom mirror to motivate you into going to the gym. Try not to remember that it was months of Slimming World shakes that got you into that shape.

3) Write a list of New Year resolutions but include basic goals like 'turn up to work',  'eat an apple', 'drive past the gym'.  Lower your expectations and you can't go wrong!

4) If you want to feel some summer warmth, close your eyes and stick your head in the airing cupboard. It costs far less than an air ticket.

5) It's January and so it's no longer acceptable to eat the fattiest foods on the planet.  But who cares what people think?  Always have a chocolate stash, you never know when you might need to use it against the children.

6) Buy clothes which are one size too big.  After one month of Slimming World you'll feel like you've lost two stone- you might even become the Slimming World poster boy!

7) Work might really suck but, don't forget, there's always someone in the office who's eaten more mince pies than you. Figure out who they are and always remember them when you're feeling low- their muffin-top will always be bigger than yours!

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Government offers 'ridiculous' advice on how to keep warm.

The government has issued a public leaflet offering 'helpful' advice on how to keep warm as temperatures dip a bit below freezing this week. 

A spokesmen for Downing Street made a statement, 'we are expecting moderately average temperatures but even though these temperatures are expected, we must prepare for the worse!'

However, the Labour leader has expressed his 'contempt' towards the leaflet and spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'it's ridiculous. The leaflet states that you must keep moving (at all times) in order to keep warm. And yet the front of the leaflet instructs you to stop, stop what you're doing, then it says that you must sit down and read the leaflet carefully. It's contradictory- and it WILL confuse people!'

The leaflet offers the following advice, 

'Drink lots of hot tea.  Cups and cups of tea. Make sure you drink it the moment it's served- a burnt tongue is well worth keeping warm!

Eat lots of sweets.  Always keep a bag of sweets on you. Love Handles and Moobs may not be pretty, but they'll keep you warm.

Wear your coat indoors AND outdoors. Forget what those old ladies used to say. New research into Winter coats suggests that 'you will feel the benefit!'

Precious celebrities are released from their Bubble Wrap.

Basil Fawlty, Mr Bean and Del Boy are amongst some of the celebrities who've been released from their protective Bubble Wrap now that 2016 is over.

The BBC came up with the protection 'initiative' because they were concerned with the number of celebrities leaving our screens. A spokesmen for the BBC stated, 'it's been frightening. We want to take good care of the ones we have left.'

Doctor Wo-Little who's been leading the protection programme spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'we've taken good care of our vulnerable celebrities.  They've been fed, watered and placed in a pot under a 24 hour UV light.'

However, it's been reported that Basil was 'deeply disappointed' that the protection programme didn't last longer. 'A week is not enough!' he stated. 'It's my wife, Sybil, who I'm worried about. She won't be happy I'm back and you KNOW what she'll do. She's only just sewn them back on!'

Meanwhile, Dot Cotton was 'miffed' that she couldn't smoke and claimed that 'Elf and Safety' forgot what old ladies 'need'; Del Boy was desperate for a Pina Colada; and a famous TV broadcaster and naturalist (who can not be named for legal reasons) was 'adamant' that he was never going near a piece of Bubble Wrap ever again. 

A well-known celebrity expert voiced his opinion on the matter, 'celebrities! You can never please them!'

Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'

Noone should leave the house until 2016 is over!

The government has made a special broadcast that will be aired at 9pm tonight which warns the public 'not to leave the house unless it is absolutely necessary'.

Theresa May is 'deeply concerned' that more disasters are in store and the country is 'too sad' to deal with any further 'setbacks'.  Her spokesmen has reported exclusively to The Big Pickle News. He stated, 'people thought the Blitz was bad. But what we now deal with is 21st Century problems: Brexit rage, Twitter anger, and the Exaggerated Fear of the Celebrity Grim Reaper.  We just can't cope.'

The government also believes the 'baffling' OBE list for 2017 will also cause 'unnecessary' outrage. Boris Johnson has been frank and honest about the Queen's list: 'she's having a jolly good joke. For crying out loud! Gove is on the list! He's got it for service and dedication to Educational Cock Up! I've cocked up the whole country, so why am I not on the list?'

The queen remains 'tight lipped' on the matter but her butler reported that she 'plans' to remain in Buckingham Palace until the New Year- 'taking heed' of the government's warming and has already 'constructed' her bucket list and advises everyone over 80 to do the same.