ASDA FIASCO caused by toddler playing with smart phone.

Yesterday, hundreds of ASDA stores were brought into chaos as card machines froze and tills shut down. 

THE BIG PICKLE NEWS can exclusively reveal that it was caused by the I.T Services Director falling asleep and leaving his smart phone (with all its system controls) in the hands of his two year old son.

Mr Grey was trying to fix some of the system failures for Asda but, like many parents, he has suffered chronic sleep deprivation. This can include symptoms such as slurring of speech, wide and confused eyes, and an inability to remember your name and address. And, therefore, the result of this condition is recurrent narcolepsy.  

Mr Grey was trying to complete some system checks on his smart phone for all the Asda stores in the South East area but then promptly fell asleep while sitting on his sofa. His wife reports that their two year old son, Tommy, then started to 'press things'. 'Tommy kept on patting the phone and shouting CEEBEBIES!' said his mum, 'I took the phone off him just in time. The water jets in every ASDA store were about to go off!'

Nevertheless, Tommy pressing every button on Mr Grey's phone caused disruption right across Great Britain. The smart phone being hammered and slobbered over resulted in customers being left stranded in stores because the sliding doors would not stop sliding open and shut for the whole afternoon. 'It was like a death trap!' one employee said, whose finger was caught in the door and now might need surgery, 'I had to get out of the store. I had to get home, things are getting good in East Enders!'

Essex watchmaker weds the wrong woman!

A watchmaker was supposed to marry his childhood sweetheart but ended up marrying the wrong woman because his watch was wrong. 

Ralph from Weeley (Essex) told everyone to put their clocks back but, after attending his pre wedding drinks, was too intoxicated to change his own clock.  At 10.00 am he arrived at Greenwich All Saints Church where he thought he was an hour late having 'overslept'. Rushing to the front of the church, he said his vows to a complete stranger.

'I saw somebody in white with a veil and dark hair. Brides are a bit like babies- they all look the same!'

Ralph is now trying to get an annulment but the shop doesn't open on a Sunday. The watchmaker's mother is livid, 'after all these months of planning Ralph goes and ruins it all! I didn't get to wear my dress! And I had my hair done!'

The bride whose wedding the watchmaker gatecrashed was unaffected by her change in groom, 'it serves Ben right! (my other half) He never turns up to anything on time!'

Kelly, Ralph's intended bride and childhood sweetheart, is seeking legal action, 'you can't just go around marrying someone else's fiancé!' 

Unfortunately, Ralph is unable to comment.

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NOBEL DYLAN HAD ICE FLU!

For the last 10 days, Bob Dylan has suffered from Ice Flu. Symptoms include: sudden stiffness in joints to immediate paralysis where the sufferer will be frozen to the spot and unable to move. Body temperature can reach subzero temperatures and, unless stimulated by hot water or whale music, victims often never recover. 

According to the WHO (World Health Organisation) there has only been three reported cases of Ice Flu.  There could be more but the sufferer can never recollect the experience. 

Last night, Bob Dylan's agent made a statement: 'It's true. Bob Dylan has been fighting a nasty case of ICE FLU! He was literally frozen to his guitar. Yes, he was speechless but for the last week he literally couldn't move his mouth. It was ice. His tongue is now twice its size!'

On September 5th, Dylan's cleaner (Lillian) found Dylan standing in his conservatory with icicles hanging off his arms and nose. 'I went to prod him and it was like touching a big ice cube.' Lillian Fag-Ash then took her cigarette and attempted to burn through the ice. 'I didn't know what else to do! And all it did was burn a hole in his guitar. Bob was just ice!'

Bob Dylan still doesn't remember the experience but is reportedly 'livid' that he has to replace his million dollar guitar. 

Anti-ageing drug shrinks young women into toddlers.

Thousands of university students have shrunk and are showing toddler-like behaviour after using an untested anti-ageing drug. 

A compound found in broccoli, cucumber and Branston Pickle has the 'ability to improve fur quality and twitch speed in mice. A proven indicator of youth!' claims biology lecturer from Cambridge.

Originally, the drug was supposed to go through clinical trials but, unable to wait, Oxford and Cambridge undergraduates insisted they tried it first.

A mum of Katrina Jones (biology undergrad) spoke of her devastating ordeal, 'I met Kat in Costas. It was 20 minutes after she had gone through all her checks at the lab. First, she was eating her panini but then she started throwing the side salad at me. She then fell off her chair. When I looked down she was a third of her size. AND she was licking the coke off the floor!' Mrs Jones then broke down during the interview, 'I want her back! I hate babies!'

Mrs Jones is now receiving therapy as she comes to terms with having to use the naughty step, again.

Another mum, who wishes to remain anonymous, was more optimistic, 'I can use the play pen, again! That way I'll know EXACTLY where she is.'

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Tories get TROLLIED after 0.5% in economic growth.

Residents along Whitehall called the police to complain of disturbances and loud music and the officers on duty discovered Teresa May and her cabinet having an all night 'bender' at Downing Street.

One eyewitness has come forward, brave enough to disclose what he saw. 'People were hanging out of the windows semi-naked. Then the conga came on and Boris was at the front of the line, wearing yellow clown trousers, leading them all out onto the street. Theresa May was sat on the curb, spilling her Prosecco all over her pearls. I felt quite sick!'

Sources close to the Prime Minister have said that both the 0.5% growth and the decision by Nissan to expand its manufacturing in the UK have led the PM to 'let her hair down.'

Chief economist at the BBC was not surprised by the news, 'leading the country after the referendum has been a harrowing task. Behind closed doors, I've heard that Theresa May has built a secret panic room into the basement of Downing Street. So far, it's been used seven hundred times!'

The shadow chancellor was more scathing, 'it's disgraceful! When the Labour government return to Downing Street we shall be Morris Dancing. No drunken conga from us!' 

MARMITE LOVERS GO MAD!

After last night's announcement that all supermarkets have decided to stop selling Marmite, roads have grounded to a halt as thousands have rushed to their nearest supermarket in an attempt to buy the last Marmite pot. 

Theresa May has been having emergency talks with each of the supermarket CEOs to find out what happened in their discussions with Unilever. But they all remain tight-lipped.


Meanwhile, it has been calculated that only 245 Marmite pots are left. There have been reports of the 'mad rush' where people have rugby-tackled old ladies to get hold of some Marmite. One manager at Morrisons had to call the police. 'It was terrifying! There were people trying to take selfies with the very last Marmite on the shelf.  Old men were stealing shopping bags from people's trolleys! We had to go into Lock Down!'


Last night, Tesco's CEO (Dave Simpson) announced, 'with regret we have made this decision. I can't tell you why we did it, but my book's out next month so you can read about it then.'

Unilever demonstrated more sympathy: earlier, a spokesman for the company announced that the Marmite Mourn Line would open at exactly 21.00 tonight.

'People will now have their voices heard. Soon, Marmite will no longer be in our lives and we have hired the top psychiatrists to help the British Public in their time of mourning.'



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