Those who rarely talk about the weather 'might not be British' according to new study.

A study carried out by students at Oxford University has discovered a 'worrying trend'. The report states that 'more and more people are showing disinterest in the weather. This can only mean one thing: there are people with a British passport who aren't really British!'

The Prime Minister has even made a public statement, 'these are truly worrying results. I even question my husband's nationality, sometimes.  I can't remember the last time he moaned about the weather.'

Meanwhile B.O (British Only) insists that speaking about the weather should not be the only criteria used to assess 'one's Britishness'. Mr Brown the founder of the society spoke exclusively to our news team: 'we have to realise that there are plenty of traits which contribute towards a person's BRITISHNESS. It's not just living here for several years, or being born here, a person must drink at least five cups of tea per day, enjoy a good queue, be nervous about making a complaint and be totally inactive for at least ten minutes when faced with a crisis.'

Fat people 'fed up' of thin people saying they can't put on weight.

Millions of people across the UK who are 'sickeningly slim' are irritating their friends and colleagues by complaining that they 'simply can't put on weight!'

It is causing quite a stir amongst those who are 'horizontally challenged'. One lady who runs Weight Watchers complains that this is the number one problem her clients face, 'we are fed up with whiney thin people. Be a stick and be grateful about it!'

A skin specialist from Loughborough University says he understands a thin person's angst. Mr Thick spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'thin people can have a tendency to be moody as they are shocked that they are the LUCKY ONES and then spend the rest of their lives worried that they might, in fact, become fat.' 

S.L.U.T (Slim Ladies, Uppity and Tense) spoke out publicly about this claim, 'this is nonsense. We should be able to say what we like without being criticised for it. Slim people have it hard.'

Where's Wally who celebrated his 60th birthday this year says he knows 'how hard it is being slim':  'I've applied to be Santa several times in the last few years but every year they say no. I'm not fat enough. And to be jolly you need to be fat, apparently.'

Employee disciplined for having the 'audacity' to take 3 biscuits from the biscuit tin.

Today, Simon Wasfit has been in court charged with biscuit robbery. The office manager made a statement to our news team: 'we only allow employees to have two biscuits a day. Even in the holidays! So, from now on, we're going to padlock our steel biscuit tin.'

The 'surprisingly thin' man was caught 'stuffing his face' by the cleaner who spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'you should have seen all the crumbs he was making. I kept telling him to use a plate, but would he listen?'

Meanwhile, Simon's wife has been forced to make a statement at Chelmsford crown court: 'Simon has always insisted that he's got some allergy to manufactured tin and steel, says that's why he can never go near the kitchen. Well, we now know that's bulsh*t. Knowing that he's lied to me all along really takes the biscuit!'

A relationship expert claims that some men will say 'all number of lies' to get out of the household chores.

Meanwhile, Mr Wasfit has made a public apology on live television, 'I know that lying about allergies can have serious consequences- my wife tried to strangle me last night. I have learnt my lesson about marriage and biscuits.' 

Follow more silly antics at THE BIG PICKLE NEWS on Facebook. 

'Wasps really are out to get you!' states expert in Insectology.

Research carried out with 23 million wasps has confirmed the public's 'greatest fears': wasps really are vindictive ba**ards!

Mr Beenicks- lead practitioner in KOBS (keeping our bees safe)- has done extensive research into this area: 'wasps will see a human and immediately their angry 'vitals' start to rise. They see a human and want to kill it!'

One man in his twenties has witnessed this behaviour: 'I was minding my own business, eating my 99 Flake when two wasps landed on MY ice cream! I tried to flick them off but they stung me. They need to be taught not to steal other people's food.'

A wasp specialist found this 'amusing' and made a statement on live TV: 'some people need to be taught basic common sense!' However, Mr Bigsting has received a huge backlash on Twitter with some users calling him 'insensitive' and a 'wasp w*nker'. 

Follow more satirical news at THE BIG PICKLE NEWS on Facebook. 

Dad who went to school claims he's an 'expert' in Education.

A dad in his 40s insists that the whole country MUST listen to him- he went to school and remembers what it was like. We can conclude that he MUST KNOW what he's talking about.  

He made a statement on live television: "I know how teachers teach.  I was taught many years ago.  I can still remember."

ANUT (Angry National Union of Teachers) has scathingly commented on this belief that just because you went to school it makes you an expert.  One union rep stated, "I went to my doctors surgery a lot as a kid. Does that make me a doctor?? Does it make me an expert in medicine?"

Meanwhile, the man's wife has defended his claim, "Dave's even made a Facebook page so he must know what he's doing. Although, he does keep forgetting that in his day teachers had chalk boards and a cane."

Nevertheless, the country's chief school inspector is "keenly interested" in what this "unconventional" expert has to say.  A spokesman for this chief inspector (Mr Ignoranze) said, "we are open to new suggestions to improve our Education system- several Education Secretaries haven't had a clue- so we always try and keep an open mind. We should now look at random people off the street and see them as a valuable resource."