Remembering the good old days? 'You're definitely past it!' says expert!

Across the uk, thousands of people are repeating the same phrase, again and again: 'things aren't as good as they used to be', 'why can't we write with pen and paper?', 'Remember when you HAD to arrive on time?'

'This a sign of an ageing population', says Kevin Pits, expert in STAMP (Studies in Ageing Mammals and People). 'Extensive research has been carried out into the behaviours and traits of the 'Past Its'.
They have found the following:
'I used to search in a library, not on google!'- this indicates a man who's in his forties.
'I remember having to go out in the garden to use a toilet'- this indicates someone who's in their eighties. Kevin believes that 'people just can't help themselves.'

However, HOOT (Helping Oldies On Together) expressed their 'disdain' that old people are 'past their best!' One member said, 'it's an absurd notion: we oldies are the only ones who can read a map, we know how a car works. And so what if I've offended everyone on Facebook? None of it's real!'

Are you a 'Past It?' The Big Pickle News Team would love to hear from you.

'Fat people are in my gym!' says human stick insect!

Across the country, thousands of people classed as 'horizontally challenged' are going on a 'health kick' and are taking up valuable spaces in local gyms. A health instructor expressed his 'deep' concerns: 'why can't fat people come in small groups? Yesterday, my gym was full of them. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. Something has to change!'

Meanwhile, FATTLS (For Anyone Trying To Lose Stones of weight) was in 'uproar' at the 'audacity' of these claims, a spokesperson told our news team: 'everyone should be encouraged to go to the gym. The gym saves lives, it saves hearts!'

The health secretary, as usual, when any tiny amount of pressure is on, has nothing useful to say so we asked his cat who hissed when we showed her a picture of the stick insects that inhabit our gyms.

'It's nearly Easter!' says every money-grabbing supermarket chain.

'Concerning' news has reached us in the last twenty four hours: now Christmas is over supermarkets intend to fill up their shelves with Easter Eggs. One customer 'could not believe her eyes'. Lucy Egglinton spoke to our news team: 'by all accounts Jesus was born, then he died, and then he was reborn again in less than a month. That's quite a miracle!'

A dentist from Pitsea was 'astonished' at this quick turnaround in chocolate consumption. Mr Gumstruck said, 'people are so fickle when it comes to chocolate: one minute they bite the head off a snowman, next they're scoffing cadbury's cream eggs! NOONE thinks about their teeth! The toothfairy's budget is getting quite stretched!'

Meanwhile, big supermarket stores have defended their 'Egg Actions': 'our job is to make as much money out of you guys as we possibly can. It's as simple as that!'

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'TO BE HONEST...' says person who just wants to insult you.

Those friends who say 'to be honest' could 'be about to insult you,' says insult specialist, Ben Johnson, who states that the words 'to be honest' mean 'they are putting a cushion in front of your face before they take the first punch.'

Many agree with this bold statement: 'being honest is the new excuse for saying what you darn well think' says expert in diplomacy, Mr Voice, whose inspirational theory drew the crowds to his lecture on 'Golden Gossip and how to get it.'

Plus, not everyone reacts well to words of honesty. Sally Gulliball wants to sue her husband for his honesty which, he says, was 'well intentioned'.

 Sally spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News: 'we went shopping and I kept asking does my bum look big in this? He must have replied 'to be honest' about ten thousand times AND THEN he said, 'yeah! Really big!'

Sally Gulliball later reported that she was 'devastated' and that such honesty was 'unacceptable'.
'Why can't a man just lie and have done with it?'