Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'

Noone should leave the house until 2016 is over!

The government has made a special broadcast that will be aired at 9pm tonight which warns the public 'not to leave the house unless it is absolutely necessary'.

Theresa May is 'deeply concerned' that more disasters are in store and the country is 'too sad' to deal with any further 'setbacks'.  Her spokesmen has reported exclusively to The Big Pickle News. He stated, 'people thought the Blitz was bad. But what we now deal with is 21st Century problems: Brexit rage, Twitter anger, and the Exaggerated Fear of the Celebrity Grim Reaper.  We just can't cope.'

The government also believes the 'baffling' OBE list for 2017 will also cause 'unnecessary' outrage. Boris Johnson has been frank and honest about the Queen's list: 'she's having a jolly good joke. For crying out loud! Gove is on the list! He's got it for service and dedication to Educational Cock Up! I've cocked up the whole country, so why am I not on the list?'

The queen remains 'tight lipped' on the matter but her butler reported that she 'plans' to remain in Buckingham Palace until the New Year- 'taking heed' of the government's warming and has already 'constructed' her bucket list and advises everyone over 80 to do the same.

Christmas is over- every man on earth wants to join the gym.

Today, every human who's eaten their weight in chocolate, pies and wine will go to their local gym in an attempt to burn off 1000s of excess calories.

The gym company NO PAIN NO GAIN claim they are expecting a 'run on the gym' where they believe their gym will be 'filled to the brim' with angry people who 'regret' and 'lament' the number of mince pies and whiskey glasses they consumed.

A 'run on the gym' is where gyms have to shut down because people in their hundreds rush to the gym and start fighting and doing rugby tackles in order to be the first on the step machines and bikes.  The result is huge damage to the gym equipment and complete 'disorder' in the building.

A lead Fitness Trainer who specialises in Post-Christmas-Fat-Regret stated how 'moody' people can get after Christmas, 'people don't like it when they can see a muffin top or a thigh wobble. Both can be quite frightening.'

However, there is a risk that gym websites all over Britain  will 'crash' and go into  'shut down' when thousands of people in 'record breaking' numbers will decide to sign up to their local gym. Gym websites like Whales R Us, and Curves not Cakes are 'working round the clock' to ensure that their websites are up and functioning 'as normal'.

Shopping centres are filled with men!

Across the country, thousands of men are out shopping. The sight of so many men in a shop is a 'rare and beautiful' event states one expert who specialises in Male Retail habits. 'They walk with purpose as they approach the escalator; they exchange glances with the man behind them and there is a knowing look- sometimes even a chuckle.'

However, this annual event can also witness 'distress and confusion' amongst male shoppers. Some look 'dazed' while others are 'wide-eyed and jittery' reports one John Lewis manager who has witnessed twenty Christmas Eves in his lifetime, 'others have the panic look- delayed Christmas Panic Syndrome- where we must alert our medical team just in case the man's panic leads to a seizure.'

Also, the annual event can result in 'unpredictable' behaviour in women across the country, reports a Christmas Shopping expert from Oxford University. 'Some women feel slightly anxious if they suspect a present apocalypse approaching or desperately excited if they believe they might receive a wedding proposal. In these cases the woman will have dilated pupils, sweaty palms and a propensity to forget all her Christmas plans. But, thankfully, these symptoms only last for an hour.'

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Santa has an ANGRY wish list.

Santa has posted HIS wish list on Instagram, and it has caused nervous outrage across the country. 

He asked parents to 'check' the sell by date of their mince pies, to clean their chimneys or else they'll receive his dry cleaning bill, and asked for the central heating to be put on low due to the 'inexpressible heat' that comes from wearing a five centimetre thick coat and a long beard. 

The list has sparked mixed reactions from celebrities and politicians.

'Santa hasn't thought this through,' tweeted Emma Bunton. 'He can be a bit thick- I left out a cuddly bunny for him, once. He wrote Thanks but I'm a vegetarian.'  

Another celebrity who was also quick to respond was Alan Carr. He tweeted, 'some people are never 'appy, are they? I mean, free booze and food at every house? What more could you want, working only one night in the year?'

Boris Johnson tweeted, 'poor old Santa. He better be careful about his drinking because that  sleigh is awfully big- I don't want him crashing it into my house!'

Meanwhile, Santa's chief elf has made an announcement on The Big Pickle News, 'Santa is a little bit sensitive at the moment, particularly as some of the elves posted a picture of him from last Christmas Eve where he got stuck up the chimney and had to shout for help. Please be patient with him.'

Stupidity is rising as the number of selfies increases.

The 'obsession' with selfies is turning the human race into 'imbeciles', claims Professor Judge from Cambridge University. 'Selfies are changing the human race. We are spending far too much time posing in front of a tiny lense. In a few years, we will see changes to our bodies: our necks will grow at a wonk, our fingers will grow long and curl inwards and our eyes will become more square-like!'

Pear Yphones have accused Cambridge University of 'scaremongering' and for 'pretending' to make intelligent predictions.  A spokesmen for the CEO stated, 'we believe selfies are the best thing to be invented. They encourage people to focus on themselves and nobody else.'

Meanwhile, in 2017, The Big Pickle News can exclusively reveal that there will be an independent study carried out to investigate the real effects of the 'Selfie Age'. The study will be carried out on people who produced over 10,000 selfies in 2016 and there will be investigations into signs of neck or finger 'abnormalities' such as increased neck length or crooked finger syndrome. 

Watch Bulldog will broadcast a programme tomorrow night. A scientist behind the programme stated, 'people don't realise the dangers. If a person always puts on a big pout for a selfie, one day, the wind will change and they'll stay like that!'

Man's tight jeans are NOT because of the mince pies!

A man from Colchester, in Essex, has 2nd degree burns on his thighs and stomach after squeezing himself into his jeans which were 'far too tight!'

Billy Silly, 38, 'insists' that it was the Tumble Dryer on 'too high a setting' which shrunk his jeans, 'it's not the hundred and fourteen mince pies I've had this week, despite what my wife says! I keep telling her, men have a high metabolism. We can eat what we want.'

Meanwhile, the obesity charity 'Don't Obese Me' reported that there is a 'worrying' tradition during the festive period that people act like 'chocolate hamsters'. An Obesity expert reported, 'on Christmas Day, in particular, people seem to eat and eat and eat and they only stop when they feel ill. But as soon as the 'feeling ill' stage grows faint, they start eating again.'

Meanwhile Mr Nibbles has issued an apology, 'we are sorry if our mince pies are addictive, we wish you to spend your money to maintain our deliciously high profits, but we never endorse or encourage heart problems.'