Clairvoyant makes 'bleeding obvious' predictions.

Mystic Greg (son of Mystic Meg from the 90s) has been hired by the UK government to make predictions about the UK financial markets to help the government plan for a 'solid' Brexit.  And Mystic Greg predicts that markets will suffer 'turbulence' and 'uncertainty' leading up to Article 50. 

Boris Johnson has made a statement, 'Greg's a jolly good fellow.  He sat us down and told us A LOT of things: how we'd better watch out for Trump, that Putin has probably got it in for Obama and that Italy doesn't like me. All in all he's been very helpful as we would NEVER have guessed these things.' Boris is now discussing these 'valuable' findings with Theresa May and will be making plans for the 2017 Brexit.

Other countries have been 'impressed' with the UK's 'innovative' strategies in trying to predict what might happen next year and are 'seriously' considering finding their own semi-professional clairvoyant. Merkel's spokesmen reportedly said that the next time Theresa May was in Brussels she 'might not ignore her' as Britain still has some 'valuable ideas to contribute.'

However, Mystic Greg has 'examined' this claim and predicts that 'it is unlikely to happen.'

Noone should leave the house until 2016 is over!

The government has made a special broadcast that will be aired at 9pm tonight which warns the public 'not to leave the house unless it is absolutely necessary'.

Theresa May is 'deeply concerned' that more disasters are in store and the country is 'too sad' to deal with any further 'setbacks'.  Her spokesmen has reported exclusively to The Big Pickle News. He stated, 'people thought the Blitz was bad. But what we now deal with is 21st Century problems: Brexit rage, Twitter anger, and the Exaggerated Fear of the Celebrity Grim Reaper.  We just can't cope.'

The government also believes the 'baffling' OBE list for 2017 will also cause 'unnecessary' outrage. Boris Johnson has been frank and honest about the Queen's list: 'she's having a jolly good joke. For crying out loud! Gove is on the list! He's got it for service and dedication to Educational Cock Up! I've cocked up the whole country, so why am I not on the list?'

The queen remains 'tight lipped' on the matter but her butler reported that she 'plans' to remain in Buckingham Palace until the New Year- 'taking heed' of the government's warming and has already 'constructed' her bucket list and advises everyone over 80 to do the same.

High Court Ruling makes everyone have a BREW!

Record number of brews were made after the High Court Ruling, yesterday.

The National Grid experienced a surge in demand similar to that during the half-time of an England World Cup Football match.

The nation reacted 'in a very British manner!' to the news that Theresa May's government can not trigger Article 50,  'we all put the kettle on!'  stated BBC political correspondent.

Power stations were also told to be on 'high alert' during BBC QUESTION TIME. One insider said, 'we were told that EVERYONE was bound to make a cup of tea when that programme was on.' It was expected that 'tempers would fly and things might be thrown, and that David Dimbleby might even swear!'

This morning, the Downing Street butler reported of 'smashed teacups' and 'lots of rude words' coming from the cabinet discussion rooms, 'I made sure the maid used the OLD tea cups! We'll get them out again when Trump comes.'

The former Labour leader even spoke out, 'whatever side you're on, it's clear that the British people care!'

However, in more serious tones, supermarkets have been told to fill the shelves with every brand of teabag in the wake of the High Court Ruling, 'if the National Grid stats are anything to go by, people are deeply unhappy or relieved. In either case, they'll want more and more tea!' says a spokesperson for Tesco who is 'mildly anxious' that they may not meet the demand of the British people.

Tories get TROLLIED after 0.5% in economic growth.

Residents along Whitehall called the police to complain of disturbances and loud music and the officers on duty discovered Teresa May and her cabinet having an all night 'bender' at Downing Street.

One eyewitness has come forward, brave enough to disclose what he saw. 'People were hanging out of the windows semi-naked. Then the conga came on and Boris was at the front of the line, wearing yellow clown trousers, leading them all out onto the street. Theresa May was sat on the curb, spilling her Prosecco all over her pearls. I felt quite sick!'

Sources close to the Prime Minister have said that both the 0.5% growth and the decision by Nissan to expand its manufacturing in the UK have led the PM to 'let her hair down.'

Chief economist at the BBC was not surprised by the news, 'leading the country after the referendum has been a harrowing task. Behind closed doors, I've heard that Theresa May has built a secret panic room into the basement of Downing Street. So far, it's been used seven hundred times!'

The shadow chancellor was more scathing, 'it's disgraceful! When the Labour government return to Downing Street we shall be Morris Dancing. No drunken conga from us!'