'I don't have hay fever!' says smug man who has no need to carry tissues.

Across the UK, thousands of people are now suffering from itchiness, bulbus eyes and runny noses- but the worst thing about hay fever? 'the smug people who don't have it,' states hay fever Guru, Neil Dong.

Mr Dong has studied pollen for over a decade and believes that symptoms are bought on by 'rage' when you see someone next to you who has a dry nose and who can breathe without sounding like a donkey.

Clive Andrews, from Maldon in Essex, was sent to A&E after his wife threw a vase of flowers at him with 'witch-like venom'. The woman's 'bestie' stopped us to comment on what happened: 'when WILL men listen? Giving Sharon flowers gives Sharon hives! Plus, her mouth swells so much that she just can't speak, sometimes for a whole week. He does it every year- always on his birthday!'

Clive Andrews has been hailed a 'clever man' by MOSS (Men Of Sensational Substance) whose spokesperson has 'kicked himself' for not thinking of this himself. 'Hay fever doesn't have to be a BAD thing!' he says, somewhat gleefully.

Gullible woman does cartwheels to make herself look young.

A woman is suffering from a double fracture to both wrists after she tried to do a triple cartwheel in her local park, today.

Kathryn Player (a mother who displays certain 'wally traits') has done extensive research into the benefits of cartwheeling in an attempt to make herself look more youthful. However, according to her mother it hasn't worked, 'it's a damn shame! She still looks her age.'

It was a post on Mumsnet that recommended this 'deluded' woman to perform three cartwheels a day. Kathryn spoke exclusively to The Big Pickle News, 'I hadn't done a cartwheel since 1989. I thought it would be like riding a bike.'

However, onlookers who witnessed the cartwheels have been 'traumatised' by what they saw. One elderly gentlemen told us, 'it was monstrous- legs were flying everywhere! And I think it's a disgrace to all those professional cart wheelers.'

The association of respectful cartwheelers (ARC) has made a statement: 'no one should perform a cartwheel unless they have our expressed permission to do so.'

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